MaddiiCake [2023-06-09 01:06:36 +0000 UTC]

👍: 1 ⏩: 0

chrisheiler160 [2012-12-23 07:21:58 +0000 UTC]

thanks for reminding me that.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

chaosgirl13 [2012-11-17 03:29:07 +0000 UTC]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Vampire LeBon

By the Vampiress LeJane

The beautiful cinnamon haired sorceress crept into the hotel room of Simon LeBon. She knelt over his sleeping body. Hell bent on revenge, she was. How dare he sleep with her and then disregard her in the manner that he did? He'd promised her his undying love that night two weeks ago and when she awoke the next morning, he was gone.

So now he is here in Paris with his precious little band.

She had used her powers (and the internet Duran mailing list) to track him here. It was easy enough to cast a spell on the hotel clerk and find his room number.

And now here he lies. Tucked up in beddie bye with a half empty bottle of scotch on the pillow next to him.

She had to execute her plan quickly. But what exactly was her plan? "I could ruin his voice." She spoke aloud to herself. "No, no one would notice." She dismissed. "I could fill his bed with a thousand demon possessed ducks...No that would be cruelty to animals. I may be a witch, but I'm still a member of PETA."

She glanced over to the bedside table and saw two things A dog eared copy of The Vampire Lestat and a slightly worn copy of the fanzine UMF.

She knew both pieces of literature quite well. A sinister smile crept across her face as she picked up the fanzine. "Ultimate mind fuck....Oh, yes lover that's exactly what you need. A little mind fucking."

With fevered determination, she set about to cast her spell..........



John Taylor and Nick Rhodes headed impatiently towards Simon's room. They'd grown tired of waiting for him and Warren to come down to the lobby. They were suppose to meet up for an evening of clubbing. They'd finished taping a grueling interview for a variety show on French television and now it was time to relax and enjoy some time to themselves.

Nick knocked on Simon's door.

"Help!!!" Came the barely audible chokes from inside.

"That sounds like Warren." John expressed with concern. "Warren...Warren...what's going on? Are you okay? Is Simon okay?

"The muther....fucker.... is STRANGLING ME!!!"

Nick frantically punched the security code and they rushed into the room. He and John were both shocked to see Warren lying on top of Simon in the bed. His back was pressed against Simon's front. Simon's arm was locked around his throat like a vise and he was rocking back and forth against his body erratically.

"Well ducky, aren't you in a compromising position?" Nick smirked.

"And the fans insinuate about us!" John added while slapping his hand to his cheek in exaggerated shock..

Warren's eyes were beginning to bulge slightly and his face had surpassed the deepest shade of purple as he dug his heels further into the bed and bucked his hips wildly. "Get me off him!!!"

Trying their best to stifle fits of laughter, Nick and John approached the bed and began their attempt to pry Simon's arm from Warren's neck.

"Let him go Simon!" Nick strained as he tugged at his bandmate's arm.

"Come on mate, we know you're missin' the wife, but give Warren a break. We'll get you a bird."

Warren scowled at John as he gasped for air. "....Not.....funny..."

It took the strength of all three of them, but they finally managed to pull Simon's arm out just far enough for Warren to wiggle out from under it.

Rolling off the bed, Warren panted desperately. Taking short deep breaths and filling his lungs with all the oxygen they would allow. John and Nick were immediately at his side to ensure that he was alright. Upon doing that, they turned their attention back to Simon. He was lying lifelessly on the bed with his arms folded across his chest like an old Egyptian corpse. In his slumber, he was oblivious to the scene that had been played out only second ago.

"What the fuck's wrong with you Simon?!" John shouted angrily. "You could have killed Warren!"

"It's no use trying to talk to him." Warren spit out breathlessly. "He won't wake up. That's what I was trying to do. I kept calling his name and when he didn't budge, I shook him. That's when he grabbed me and-man I was fading fast too.- I think he's OD'ed or strung out on something. Look at this..." Warren pulled out the half empty bottle of scotch.

"No, that wouldn't have done it. That's like afternoon tea for Simon." John informed him.

"Maybe we should call a doctor or get him to hospital." Nick suggested with concern as he leaned over the bed. "Simon...Simon...it's Nick...Wake up Simon."

He knelt down even closer and began to reach out for him. Warren saw this and shouted out a warning. "Nick NO! don't...."

"EEeeeeeAAAAAAAWWWWOOooooooo!!!!"

"...touch him." Warren finished, but was too late. Simon had already latched onto him. His hand clenched to Nick's shirt. His futile attempts to pull away only worsened the situation as he fell to the floor and Simon thudded on top of his prone body."

"Shit!" John began tugging at Simon's arm. "Is he possessed or what?"

"I tried to warn him. " Warren said as he tried to grab a handful of Simon's hair, but thanks to Simon's most recent fashion statement, there was not enough hair to grab so he just latched onto his head.

"He's got the strength of then bloody men." John stated

They continued their struggle to free Nick but Simon would not relent. They soon became too depleted to compete with him. They released their hold and fell back in exhaustion.

"Hey....hey...get him off me!!!" Nick whined

"Hold up a minute Nick. We need a quick breather." John replied.

Suddenly a frightening hissing sound came from Simon's lips. It was Followed by a piercing scream from Nick.

"Owwwwwwwwww! HE'S BITING ME!!! Ow!...Ow!..Ow! He's biting me !!"

"Shit!" John and Warren both exclaimed as they scrambled frantically back over to try and free Nick.

While this scene had been unfolding, the sun was quickly sinking beneath the Paris skyline and twilight had finally approached.

"Damnit!..He's tryin' to eat me!!"

Simon's eyes flashed open and with the strength of a Greek God, he sent Warren and John flying across the room and crashing into opposite corners.

He looked down at Nick, who was writhing in pain beneath him.

"Nicki!" His voice cried out with a touch of French intermingled with his British accent. He dismounted Nick and pulled him to his feet as if he were a rag doll. Nick cowered away whilst rubbing his tender pained neck.

"You better not have left a mark on me. What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Nicholas, you know how dangerous it can be to disturb one of our kind while we slumber."

"I'll remember that the next time you wake me up, you bastard." Nick mumbled under his breath.

He was quite taken back by the joyous expression on Simon's face. His eyes were absolutely sparkling and he acted as if they hadn't seen each other in years.

"How can you possibly be alive?" Simon asked him as he began stroking his cheek lovingly. Nick stepped away cautiously.

"That's what we wanna know. How can he be alive after your attack on him?!" Warren demanded.

"Louis?! Armand?! Are you the ones who brought Nicholas to me? He glared harshly at Warren. "You knew he was alive, didn't you Armand? You've known for centuries. You've only kept him from me to quell your anger at my rejection of you centuries ago."

"Er..Uh..what the fuck is he talking about?" Warren asked dumbfounded.

"Do not try to deny it Armand! You wanted to walk with me in my savage garden, but I denied you . It was not enough that you took from me-only for a short time of course- my beloved Louis, but now you have gone too far! My Nicki!" He exclaimed turning his attention fully to Nick. He grabbed him forcefully into his arms. "You cannot begin to imagine the anguish I have suffered over your loss. Forgive me Nicholas. Forgive me for working the dark trick on you. Forgive me for loving you so much that I could deny you nothing." He crushed Nick to his chest as a tear ran down his cheek.

"What a fucking pansy." Warren commented. "What's he blubbering on about?"

"Shhh!" John cautioned with a whisper. "I think the old man's become chemically imbalanced. Maybe we can slip out of here unnoticed while he's fawning all over Nick."

"Good idea."

They began taking slow backward steps towards the door while Simon continued to stroke Nick's hair and babble on about the endless nights they could now spend together.

John had just managed to get the door opened and they were almost safely outside it, but something foiled their plan.

"No, don't leave me here alone with him!" Nick screamed out with panic.

In an instant Simon released him and sauntered seductively over to them.

"Do not leave Armand. I forgive you. No bad blood between us now my vampiric brother. You have brought me my Nicholas to make amends, haven't you? I have always felt love for you. Let us wipe the slate clean."

"Simon if you touch me again, I'll break your cock sucking fingers." Warren warned.

Simon's only reply to this was a loud chuckle. "Armand, you have spent too much of your time immersed in twentieth century dialog. You adapt almost too well my dark one. Come now and let us roam the night together. My hostile ally and my two beautiful fledglings. What a glorious coven we shall make!" He pulled a struggling John and Warren into his arms for a group hug.

Whilst doing this, he spotted the pink vinyl pants he was wearing. "For the love of hell, how did I get into these? This simply will not do. No self respecting vampire would be caught dead in this getup."

He began rummaging frantically through the closet until he found something he felt suited him. He took the clothes and went into the bathroom to change. This left Duran Duran's three remaining members to try and dissect the situation.

"He thinks he's the vampire Lestat." Nick announced.

"No." John countered. "He doesn't really. He's pullin' our legs. You know Charlie and his insane jokes."

"I dunno, I think that there's more to it than that. How do you explain the sudden increase in his strength?" Warren added.

"Maybe he really is the vampire Lestat. Maybe he really exists and has switched bodies with Simon."

"Don't be so fuckin' retarded Nick." Warren scoffed.

"Yeah, Nick. You know that it is only a figment of Anne Rice's imagination."

At that very moment, the door came open and the beautiful sorceress entered the room. The satanic smile on her face was positively electrifying.

"Hi there fellas." She spat out with glee.

"Great!" John said throwing his hands up in exasperation. "It's not bad enough that Simon's gone daffy, but now we've been found out by the fans."

"Okay sweetheart, what do you want? Your titty signed?" Warren picked up an ink pen.

"Alright babe, whip it out."

The sorceress smiled tenaciously as she slapped Warren across the face. "That's for all the women you pissed off with those snide remarks you made in the Playgirl article."

"Look you crazy bitch..."

Before Warren could finish his sentence, she grabbed him and crushed her mouth down on his in a passionate kiss that left him swooning.

"And that's for all the women you turned on with those same remarks."

She gave the swaying Warren a slight shove and he stumbled to the floor. "Happens every time." She turned her attention to John and Nick. "Allow me to introduce myself...."

The sorceress, who used the name Luna Jane, because her witch name was more unpronounceable than that of the artist formerly known as Prince, began telling her tale. She explained to them that she had put a curse on Simon to make him think he was the fictional vampire.

"Lemme get this straight." John said as he began pacing about the room. "You're a witch and you've put a curse on Simon to make him think he's the vampire Lestat because he used you as a one night stand? And even when he looks in the mirror he'll be disillusioned into seeing the image of a pale blonde Frenchman looking back at him?"

"That's precisely right. He used me and I intend to make you all suffer for it. When Simon looks at you he sees Louis, his fledgling and immortal love.

"With Nick, he sees the image of Nicholas, the dear friend and lover he had when he was but a young, confused mortal man. I'm sure you've read the books. You know that after he made him into a vampire, Nicki went insane and eventually threw himself into a fire.

" And as for you Warren, in Simon/Lestat's eyes you are Armand. A vampire Lestat both loves and hates. He has a begrudging respect for you, but he knows he can never allow himself to trust you."

"Well I'm used to that." Warren replied with sarcasm.

"Wow, I've never met a real witch before. Do you ride a broomstick?" Nick asked.

"No, but I've heard that your ex-wife does...among other things."

"Oh, I like her. Can we keep her John? She's quite the little verbal vixen."

John scowled at Nick. He had had enough. First it was Simon's erratic behavior and now it was that of this obviously deranged fan. It was giving him one massive headache.

"No Nick. You cannot keep her. You know she's not a witch. At least not literally. She's nothing but a stoned little pesky fan who's obviously given Simon a rather large dose of whatever it is she's strung out on. I'm calling security."

He picked up the phone and began to dial.

"No wait!" Luna shouted. "I can prove myself to you."

"This ought to be good." John stopped dialing momentarily.

"Do you remember your first Nuerotic Boy Outsiders show at the Viper room in the fall of '95? Remember how dirty and greasy your hair was during that show because thanks to a fight with Amanda you didn't have time to wash it? You swore to the young pink haired girl you slept with that night that you would never allow it to look that bad again."

John's brow crinkled as he fell into thought. Yes, he did remember that young hot girl. She turned him inside and out that night. But how does this basket case know about her?

"Well, that young girl was me and after I never received that autographed copy of Liberty that you promised me, I put a curse on you."

"Oh really. Is that so? And what was your little curse? Is it the reason I'm having continual martial problems?"

Luna was angered by the doubting smirk on John's face she wanted to wipe it off and she knew she was about to.

"Oh no John Taylor, my curse is far worse than that." She grinned at him evilly as she ran her fingers through his straight stringy mane. "Your hair always looks this way, John. Unkept, unclean. Everyone I've ever talked to says you should wash it. But you do wash it, don't you? You wash it over and over and over and over again, but it still looks the same. Oily, limp, and lifeless...That, John Taylor is the curse I put on you!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" John dropped the phone and fell to the floor screaming.

Nick and Warren were quickly at his side to comfort him, but his continued whimpering proved he would not be consoled.

"It's true! It's true! I've tried everything. I go a different salon every week and my hair still...still looks like this!!" He yanked at a lock of his hair for emphasis.

A soft melodic giggle escaped from the lips of the sorceress. "I guess I must be going boys. Curses to cast. People to punish. A witches work is never done."

She started for the door, but John grabbed her ankle. She dragged him behind her as she continued walking.

"Oh please! I'm begging you. Show me mercy! Show me mercy!"

She gave the bass player a small lady like kick in the throat and he released her.

"You can't just leave." Warren protested

"What about Simon?" Nick questioned

"What about my hair?!!" John sobbed

"Now don't go getting hysterical fellas. I'll be keeping my eyes on you and if you're good boys, I may consider lifting both curses...In a year or two."

And with a snap of her fingers, she was gone.

Seconds later, Simon was back. He'd changed his clothes and was now wearing one of his new romantic outfits, circa 1993 complete with puffy sleeves and velvet jacket. He had a smug, vain look about him. (So basically he looked the way our man LeBon always looks.)

"How shall we spend this evening?" He asked rubbing his hands together in excitement. "Shall we go to the Paris opera house?"

"Hell no!" Warren spouted. "I still have nightmares of you singing Ordinary World with that fat ass Italian dude."

Simon merely looked at him quizzically. Nick decided it was best to try and cover the remark.

"Ummm, what Armand meant to say is perhaps we should go to a nightclub. You know how much you love to dance, my Lelio."

Simon's face became positively aglow. "My Nicki. I could almost weep from the joy of being near you again. Now you can be the companion I always dreamt you would be. Together we can discover things you've never seen before."

With that he planted a kiss on Nick's lips that sent him screaming from the room. Simon hurried after him.

"What the hell is Nick doing encouraging him like that?" Warren asked.

"I think Nick may be onto something. Maybe we should just go along with it for awhile." John had regained his composure and was trying to figure a way to make the best of an unpleasant situation.

"That's easy enough for you to say. You and Nick have read the damn books. You know I only read Hustler and Popular Mechanics."

"Just go along with whatever we say or do."

"Alright, but if he tries to kiss me I'm yanking his nuts off and deep fryin' 'em."

"You're so disgusting Warren. Do you have to be so damn disgusting?"

"Oh fuck you! I knew I should have joined The Red Hot Chili Peppers when I had the chance."

"Yeah, well they don't pull as many birds as we do and Anthony Kedis would have kissed your sewer mouth a long time ago."

John and Warren soon found Simon. The three of them located Nick, who was in his room drinking Listerine straight from the bottle and 'the Glorious Coven' as Simon referred to them was headed off to paint the town red.

It first it wasn't going too badly. It was easy enough to persuade Simon not to drink the blood of the street mime he'd stalked for almost a half mile on foot. And once at the club, he became too enchanted with the "beautiful mortals" to remain in the company of his fellow vampires.

And strangely enough, for the first time since anyone in Duran Duran had known him, Simon LeBon actually danced well.

Yes things were rolling along pretty smoothly for the band O' Duran. It wasn't until much later, in the wee hours of the morning that the bottom began to slip out from underneath them.

The four of them were sitting at a tiny corner table in a smoky club when a song began to play that John, Nick, and Warren were all too familiar with. The song was Ordinary World. Simon listened to it intently. Tears began to stream down his cheeks.

"Did that song trigger something?" Nick asked hoping Simon was beginning to return to himself.

"Yes....It's such a beautiful haunting song....It makes me think of...of us."

"That's peachy." Warren said. "You know who you are. We know who we are. We can put this unfortunate little incident behind us."

"You're absolutely right." Simon reached out and took Warren's hand in his. "We've got to do just that Armand...."

"Fuck." Warren muttered as he rolled his eyes.

"...we can no longer harbor such bitter feelings. I can no longer bare to cause you pain. Let me forgive you Armand. Let us forgive each other.

Simon finished his impromptu passionate speech by giving Warren's hand a tight affectionate squeeze.

John and Nick subconsciously braced themselves in their seats. Both dreading Warren's reaction.

Warren forcefully yanked his hand away. "Uh...listen Lestash..."

"Lestat!" Nick and John corrected.

"...What-fucking-ever. I'm doing the best I can here. Lestat, I forgive you and stuff, okay? But I'm only gonna say this once. I ain't fuckin' 'ya. I don't spend hours working out at the gym so you can go up my...OW!!"

A swift kick to the shin by Nick silenced him.

John leaned over and whispered in his ear. Anne Rice's vampires don't have sex Warren. Their sex organs don't work. You know, kind of like Nick's when he was still married."

"Oh, thank God. I guess I don't have anything to worry about then."

After doing several hours of club hopping, the four decided to go back to their hotel so 'Lestat' could listen to his Yanni cds

They were only a short distance from the hotel so walking seemed to be a much more logical choice than a taxi.

Outside the hotel, a group of Duran fans had gathered in hopes of catching a glimpse of their idols. As the band was milling it's way through the crowd, they lost sight of Simon.

"Where did he go?" Nick asked

"If you're looking for Simon," One of the helpful fans offered. "He went back into the alley with my best friend. She was begging him to 'take her! take her!' so he said he'd be glad to."

"Shit!" John grumbled.

"What's the big deal?" Warren asked looking up from signing an autograph. "He thinks he can't have sex. What harm can he cause her?"

"Well, if you were Simon in his present condition and someone wanted you to take them, what would it mean to you? Nick asked.

"Masturbating them?"

"Oh God Warren, you're so fucking stupid. I've had it with you and your damn stupidity!" John complained.

"Yeah? Well I'm sick of you and Nicki and the vampire Leshit! So why don't you..."

"AAAaaaagggggghhhhhhhhhhh!! Aaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhh!!"

A blood curdling scream came from somewhere in the distance and a terrified young auburn haired woman came running up the sidewalk. She was holding her neck and whimpering As she reached the crowd of speculating fans, Nick spotted the droplets of blood on her neck. Simon had barely broke the skin, but she was bleeding none the less.

"He bit me!" The frightened woman cried. "He said he wanted to drink my blood!"

Warren felt worry and concern for this girl. She was sobbing in pain and trembling with fear.

Of course, he couldn't help but laugh that the girl's traumatic incident had brought her no sympathy what so ever from her friends. Only choruses of the word "cool."

"You're so lucky Zalina." One of them said to her. "If you're really lucky it will leave a scar!"

"Do...do you think it will?" She asked with a small smile forming on her tear stained face.

"Another satisfied customer." John chimed as he slapped a hand on Warren's shoulder. "Come on, we gotta find Charlie."

The three of them headed off in search of Simon.

It didn't take long to find him. He was defending himself against a would be mugger. They arrived just in time to watch as Simon picked up his attacker and threw him twenty feet.

"Jesus." Nick whispered in astonishment.

Simon spotted them and approached strolling merrily up the street. "That'll teach them to mess with the vampire Lestat. I should have drank his blood, but he was so beautiful in his contempt that I could not bare it."

"Come on Lestuff. Let's go back to the hotel." Warren suggested.

Nick convinced Simon it was best to use the back entrance to the hotel and this time they managed to get up to Simon's room without any difficulty.

Once they were there, however the trouble began to brew again.

Simon began a reckless search for his Yanni cds, which he swore he had. "They've got to be around here somewhere. You took them didn't you Armand?" He looked accusingly at Warren.

"Er, umm Lestat perhaps you should try looking in the lavatory." John encouraged.

"Shut up Louis!"

"No mate, I really think you ought to do that." John said as he looked slowly and purposely down at the large wet spot at the crotch of Simon's pants. Simon followed John's eyes with his own. He touched the wet urine stain in disbelief.

"No...that's not possible! That hasn't worked in over two hundred years!" He ran quickly into the bathroom and slammed the door.

Nick and John fell onto the floor in roaring fits of laughter.

"He pissed himself!" Nick squealed.

"You should've went for your Polaroid and got a picture. We could have leaked it to a web site."

"Oh John...stop or I'll piss myself too! I can just imagine such a photo being passed along the internet."

"Yeah...the file name for it would be S-L-B P-I-S-S."

Warren was not at all amused. As a matter of fact, this seemingly harmless incident had sent his anxiety level soaring. He began pacing nervously back and forth. "This ain't funny man! This ain't funny at all!"

"Oh lighten up Warren." John said as he climbed to his feet. "Why not enjoy the humor in an otherwise stressful situation?"

"You wanna know why?! I'll tell you why! He's not supposed to be able to piss because this vampire guy doesn't piss, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, it ain't gonna take a whole lot for him to figure out that if he can piss, he can get an erection. And you saw how strong he was!!! He's gonna fuck us man!! I know he is! He's gonna fuck us and we're not gonna be able to fight him off!!"

Warren began nervously chewing his fingernails as he continued to pace. "Shit! Shit! Shit! I'm tellin' you he's gonna fuck us!! I'll probably be the first one. He's gonna bend me over like some prison princess named Dionne!!"

"Or Armand." John chortled.

"Damnit John, that ain't funny! I don't wanna be fucked by him. I...I don't have anything against alternative lifestyles, but...but...even if I were gay I wouldn't want to be fucked by Simon....I'd want someone soft and effeminate..."

John could tell he was really starting to go off the deep end. "Warren..."

"Someone pretty with great skin and a dry sense of humor..."

"...Warren, come back to us Warren...."

"....with piercing green eyes and...probably someone like you, Nick."

Nick beamed as he pulled his knees up to his chin and starred at Warren from the floor.

"Why thank you Warren. And just let me say that if I were gay, or even bisexual, I would find you quite attractive."

"Oh this is ridiculous." John muttered quietly.

"Really?" Warren asked Nick with a smile

"Absolutely as a matter of fact..."

"Are you two finished or do you want to start going over china patterns together?!" John growled.

"Well there's no need to get nasty John." Nick purred.

"Yeah, he probably won't want to fuck you at all. You greasy headed bastard! Nick and I are the ones in trouble."

"Of course he's going to try and fuck me. I'm the most attractive member in this band. Everybody knows that."

Before the argument could become any more heated, a familiar laughter filled the room as the sorceress Luna appeared before them.

"Oh this has been so entertaining. I haven't laughed so much since the first time I watched the Arena video."

"Lady, you gotta stop this. You're not gonna let him fuck me, are you?" Warren questioned, his anxiety level cresting once more.

"Now Warren darling," She cooed "Look out the window. The sun will start to rise soon. Simon won't have time to do anything sexual to you. At least not tonight. There is one problem, however. You vampires will be needing protection from the sun."

With a snap of her fingers, she made three immaculate coffins appear from thin air. "Ooops!" She said with a giggle. "I'm one short. I guess a couple of you will have to double up. Toodles!" And with a whip of her hands, she was gone again.

"You know," Nick mused. "She reminds me of Sarina from Bewitched."

"Don't you mean Samantha?" Warren corrected.

"No, Sarina was Sam's evil cousin."

"I thought that was I Dream Of Jeanie."

"No, Jeanie had a wicked twin sister."

"Didn't they have two different Major Nelsons on that show?"

"No that was Bewitched. They had two different Darins."

"Oh, oh yeah. Now I remember. What was that show with the singin' kids? You know the one that Howard Stern was on when he was a teenager?"

"Warren, Howard Stern wasn't in that show! It was Rush Limbaugh. He was the kids manager. Howard Stern was on Laverne & Shirley. He was..."

"Would you two SHUT UP?!!!!!!" John raged. "You're worse than Beavis and Butthead! I can't remember when I've heard such a stupid conversation."

"Huh-huh Huh-huh. He said 're-member.' " Warren chided

"Shhh! Warren." Nick scolded with a chuckle. "Don't egg on Nigel. You know how testy he gets...Tee-hee Tee-hee I said 'testy.' " Nick covered his lips with his hand and snickered quietly.

Before John could yell at them any further, Simon reemerged from the bathroom. He'd had a shower and found a robe. He was visibly shaken. A relief swept over him when he spotted the coffins.

"Oh...oh good, you've secured our daytime domiciles." He said vacantly as he placed the 'Do not disturb' sign on the door. "Normally I don't require such ancient protectants, but it's best not to take chances. I'm not feeling myself tonight."

"That's an understatement." John muttered.

Simon grabbed John by the shirt collar, then released him regretfully. He smoothed out the wrinkles he had created as he drew John closer.

"Louis, stay with me. You're the only one I can trust. Look at them Louis..."

John followed Simon's eyes with his own to where Nick and Warren were huddled together whispering and snickering.

"He's turned Nicki against me. Not that that was a difficult thing task. You're the only one I can depend on Louis."

John stammered.

How in the hell am I gonna get out of this one? Quick, think of something or you are actually going to be spooned up with Simon in a coffin....And you know what a flatulence problem he has.

"....Um... I don't trust them either Lestat. And if we're to...oh...how do I word this...shit...take our daily slumber together, we would both be vulnerable. I say we make them share a coffin. That way we can keep an eye on them and each other."

This solution satisfied Simon. "I have taught you well my fledgling."

"And besides that, we're pretty strapping guys. Look at it from comforts point of view. Nick, I mean Nicholas, is so scrawny that he can fit in anywhere."

Neither Nick or Warren were happy with their sleeping arrangements, but when the 'vampire Lestat' insisted, they weren't given much choice.

Grumbling and complaining, they got into a coffin together. John stood over them ready to close the lid.

"And they wonder why Sterling left." Warren grumbled

"There's something very Andy Warholish about this..."

"Fuck it!...Huh ah...I'd rather be beaten, bitten, ass fucked, whatever! Tell Lesmurf to come do his worse, but I ain't gonna listen to Nick ramble on about Andy-I looked dead for five years before I actually was-Warhol!"

"Is that so Warren? Well perhaps I get tired of you going on about that whorish, trash bag wearing, screeching, over processed, slut from your former band."

"Don't you start in on Dale. She has more class in one strand of her hair than..."

"Shhh!" John tried to quiet them. "Just shut up and lie still. It will only be for a little while. Just until the sun is completely up. Please, for once cooperate!"

They wore matching scowls as John slammed the lid down on them.

"Well that's taken care of." He said smiling at Simon. "I guess we should be hitting the old satin pillows ourselves."

He opened the lid to the coffin he'd selected for himself and was about to step inside when Simon seized him. The look of paranoia on his face was unmistakable.

"Louis, let's leave. I know Armand and Nicki are up to something. I'm frightened Louis."

John thought he heard a snicker coming from the closed casket. He wanted to yank Nick and Warren out and choke them.

Then, I'll take a gun and shoot Simon. Yes! yes, that's the answer. I've got my solo thing now. Who needs 'em?

His short fantasy was interrupted all too quickly as Simon picked him up and threw him over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes.

"Lestat, put me down!"

"We've got to get out of here Louis." He headed toward the balcony

"But the sun's coming up! You know what that means! We're not exactly morning people."

But John knew exactly how Simon's vampiric personality was going to remedy that little problem. The thoughts of it terrified him.

"I'm going to fly us somewhere where it is still night Louis. Perhaps we'll journey across the Atlantic."

"NO! No! We can't!!!...I...ah...I get vertigo....Yeah, that's it vertigo. Please put me down!"

"Louis, vampires don't get vertigo. You must trust me. You always have before."

They were on the balcony now and Simon was just about to jump. "Hold tight Louis."

John began screaming hysterically. "Help me!!! AAAGGGHHH!!! HELP!!!"

Nick and Warren clambered their way out of the coffin and reached John just in time to latch tightly onto Simon before he leapt, but they were unable to stop him. The screams that echoed from them were even more nerve shattering than the bad note that Simon hit during Live Aid whilst singing The Reflex. (And now that we're on that subject, he screeched a tad in A View to a Kill too.)

They were plummeting quickly to the ground, but before they actually crashed, something amazing happened. They began to elevate. They rose higher and higher against the predawn sky. They were stunned into silence as they held a tight desperate grip to Simon and to each other. Simon had them flying. Honestly and truly flying!



"Wait a minute." Nick said dryly. "I like a good story as much as the next lad, but don't you think that this one is getting a bit ridiculous? Flying?! Come on now. That's going too far."

"Nick's right." Warren agreed. "How's the author going to explain this?"

"She doesn't have to." John informed them. "It's not as if we're actually here. This is nothing but a piece of harmless fiction written by one of our loving, but deranged fans. Anything goes here."

"Not quite anything." Warren stated firmly. "I don't care if it's fiction or my autobiography. Simon is NOT fuckin' me!"

"That's what you think mate." Simon said as he turned his head to Warren and gave him a wink. "But I've already read part two."





The crash landing Simon made in the middle of Manhattan was a bit of a bumpy one. He somehow managed to bungle it and everyone ended up on top of Nick.

"Get off me!!!" He screamed.

"Wow, that's some way to travel." Warren commented as he pulled himself to his feet and straightened out his leather jacket.

Simon had a hurt and defeated look about him as he rose to his feet and began to walk away.

"Ooops, there goes Simon." Nick said.

John ran quickly to catch up with him. "Hey Lestat, don't take off like that."

"It's best that I do Louis. Solitude is the existence that I am most suited for."

John didn't know what to say or do.

You have to do something. No matter how drastic it is.

"You can't go Lestat. I...I...I love you."

A melancholy smile formed on Simon's face. John felt an icy chill up his spine.

Here it comes. He's gonna put those lips on me and I'm gonna have to stand here and take it all in. All in the name of friendship and Duran Duran....And our fans think we don't suffer for them!

Simon advanced closer to him.

OhmiGod! OhmiGod! OhmiGod! Here it comes! He's gonna do it!

He braced himself for one of the vampire LeBon's affectionate kisses. A wave of relief flooded over him when Simon did nothing more than caress a tendril of his hair.

"Whew!" He let out softly.

"I love you too, Louis and perhaps one day when my heart is healed we can be together again. But for right now, it's best you remain with Armand and Nicki. I know that you trust them more than you do me. That is why you called out to them when I tried to fly away with you. He's turned you against me as well. He wants me out of you life."

John tried to keep a straight face. He knew that Simon was believing all this to be fact and was genuinely hurt, but all he could think of was Simon sitting on a boat dock saying, 'She is the ferry's midwife and she comes in shape no bigger than a laggard stone...' Despite his best efforts, a snicker escaped him. This angered Simon.

"Never mind Louis, it's useless. My pain is nothing but a joke to you."

He strode off quickly. John ran back to where Nick and Warren were waiting.

"It's no use. He's splittin' on us and I can't stop him."

"You can't just let him go John!" Nick squealed

"Yeah, he'll be bitin' people all up and down Fifth Avenue." Warren stated

"Think of all the bad publicity the band will receive."

"Maybe not." John said. "And even if it is bad, it's publicity none the less."

"You've got to go after him and stop him John." Warren said forcefully.

"He won't listen to me Warren. I tried. I was even willing to stand there and let him suck my face, but he rejected me. Imagine that, if you can. Rejected me! Me! John Taylor!!"

"Well that's it then. I'm sure the planet is bound to stop revolving" Nick muttered.

"You've got to be the one Warren." John informed him. "He thinks you've master minded some evil plan against him and in doing so you've turned me and Nicki, I mean Nick against him as well. You go get him and Nick and I will go get us a room at the Plaza."

"No! Don't you even go there! Nope, not traveling down that road. Huh uh...no sir-ee..."

John and Nick merely glared at him with hostility.

"...I'm NOT gonna...Oh, come on guys....Don't look at me that way...I don't waaa-nnaaa do it."

John silently lifted a finger and pointed to the direction that Simon had gone.

Warren clasped his hands together under his chin in a prayer like gesture. "Oh puhleeeeze, puhleeeeze, puhleeeeze don't make me be the one. What if he tries to..."

"Then you will find the nearest empty bench, drop your trousers, bend over, and spread your bum cheeks." Nick said with calm authority.

Warren stomped in place and whimpered like a child before storming off down the street after Simon. He found him not a moment too soon. He had in his embrace a shapely young woman in her mid twenties. Warren could tell she was a fan merely by the way she looked at Simon.

"I've always dreamt of being with you. I want to satisfy your every need."

"I only have one, my love." He said as he pulled her hair away from her neck.

"No! Don't!" Warren yelled as he pulled the young woman from Simon's arms. "Don't do this to her...not...ah...I..ah...There's so much we can be doing together."

The young woman's mouth flew open to reveal her obvious shock. "Oh my God." She said in a monotone voice. "Everyone always said it was Nick and John, but I've always had my doubts about the two of you. You looked a little too pleased that it was just the two of you during The House of Blues show."

"Why don't you just head on your way sweetheart. And kinda keep this to yourself."

"Oh I won't tell a soul Warren. I promise." She said as she crossed her fingers behind her back.

Warren put forward his best attempt to drag Simon away, but he would not budge.

"Come on. We...we have a lot of catching up to do."

"I refuse to go anywhere with you. I'm not as naive to you as I was two centuries ago."

Simon was not the only one who would not leave. The young woman remained cemented to her spot. Taking in every word that was being said.

Why is it there always has to be a fan around to make the most horrendous situation even worse? Damn John and Nick for sending me here to do this on my own.

"Please, just come with me. The rest of our 'coven' has secured us a nice comfy hotel room and we can just chat away until sunrise. We can even rent 'The Lost Boys' if you want."

Simon glared at him. "You expect me to just go off with you after you follow me down here uninvited and interrupt my dinner." He said indicating the young woman.

"Oh, I don't mind." She gushed. "I can be dinner for you both if you'd like. I doesn't matter to me that you're bi. The three of us can..."

"Would you just get the hell out of here?!!!!!!" Warren bellowed.

The young woman ran off down the street in tears.

"Armand, that was very rude."

I don't expect it's going to win me any new fans. And it's all your fault you wannabe blood sucking ass wipe.

"Can we please just discuss this back at the hotel?"

"No, I don't trust you."

"But you can trust me. I've reformed. I...I...I want to make things better for us."

We can start by killing John and Nick.

Simon looked at him shrewdly

Well that didn't work. Gotta try another approach.

"Purty please with sugar, I mean type A negative on top."

The corners of Simon's lips upturned to form a slight grin. He slapped his hand on Warren's back warmly

"Alright Armand, I'll go back to the hotel with you..."

Oh goodie!

"...You're right. We do have a lot of catching up to do. Perhaps together we can build a bridge back to us."

Geez, I hope that line of shit never ends up in a Duran Duran song.



By the time they arrived at the hotel, John and Nick had secured them a large four bedroom suite.

Simon totally and completely disregarded Nick and John as he practically dragged Warren past them and into one of the bedrooms. Once inside, he locked the door.

"Well, that seemed rather urgent." John commented.

"What do you suppose Warren said to him?"

"Probably something temptingly persuasive like, ' take me up to your room and spank me, fang boy.' "



Simon shoved Warren down into a sitting position on the bed and sat down next to him.

Warren instinctively scanned the room for possible exits. He spotted the open window and began to calculate the odds of surviving a jump from the fourteenth floor.

Simon began talking feveredly about all sorts of things Warren knew nothing about. Vampire things. Covens, fledglings, something called the Theater of the Vampires, and a couple of chicks named Claudia and Gabrielle.

To all of Simon's rambling, Warren merely smiled and nodded his head in agreement. (It was a trick he'd mastered years ago to ease the pain of dealing with the press.) Every once in a while, he would throw in a "Yeah, if only I had realized that centuries ago." For good measure.

For over two hours it went on like this. Warren eventually became a glassy eyed zombie.

Nod and agree. Agree and nod. Eh-eh, I'm the Stepford Duran.

And finally it ended

"I feel like the weight of eternity has been lifted from me Armand. I want to weep with joy."

Okay, any minute now he's gonna go for my knickers. I've got to think of a way to distract him.

"That's wonderful Lesnatch. Why don't we invite Nicki and Louis in here so we can celebrate in a vampiric brotherly, some sort of coven type shit kinda a fashion. 'Kay?"

"Yes, let us do just that. It will be splendid!"

He leaned over to Warren and wrapped his arms around him lovingly. Deeply inhaling his manly scent.

Warren felt the shift in the atmosphere. The hug lingered too long. The caress down his back was too seductive. And there was the matter of that increasing hard bulge pressed up against his thigh.

He pushed Simon away and they both stared in disbelief at the huge formation at Simon's groin.

"See ya!" Warren began to run towards the window, but Simon had calculated his move and blocked him effortlessly.

"Armand, do you know what this means?"

"That you're about to boldly go where no man has gone before?" He replied with high pitch panic in his voice.

"It means I can know you like a mortal lover."

The screams burst uncontrollably from Warren mouth. "HELP!! HELP!! HELP!!"



"Damn, what do you suppose is going on in there?" Nick asked John.

"My guess is Lestat's discovered his manhood."

"Do you think we should try and get Warren out of there?"

"It would seem the decent thing to do."

They began trying to force the door open.

Warren was banging brutally on the door from the inside, but it would not budge.

"Try unlocking it Warren!" Nick yelled from the other side.

Warren was about to do just that when Simon grabbed him by the arm and spun him around so they were standing face to face. Simon had somehow managed to peel off his clothes in the blink of an eye and was now standing before Warren naked.

BOI-OI-OI-OINNNNGGG!!

"Armand, look at me.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! IT'S LOADED AND HE'S AIMIN' IT RIGHT AT ME!!!"

Nick and John continued to try and force the door open, but it was useless.

Warren, in an act of desperation, picked up a glass vase and broke it over Simon's head, but it didn't even phase him. Warren was about to impale himself on a piece of modern art sculpture when an all too familiar laughter filled the room.

Luna materialized before him in an instant. She put a hand on Simon's shoulder and froze him in a state of suspended animation.

Warren fell to the floor and began groveling at her feet.

"Oh please! Please! PLEASE! don't let him do it to me! I'll do anything you ask! I'll even read a book on feminist views if you want, but don't let him do it!!!"

"You must have really turned him on Warren. I don't remember it being that enlarged when we were together."

"I can't help that. I mean, look at this body..." He jumped to his feet and pulled off his shirt. "I eat all the right foods. I work out everyday. I've been good to this body and it's been very good to me."

"Hmmm, Simon was about to be very good to it, wasn't he?"

This sent Warren back into a panic. "You're not going to let him do that to me, are you?"

"Of course I am. I only popped up here so I can get a closer look."

Warren let out a soft whimper as he shoved his fist into his mouth.

"Unless of course, we can work something out."

"Anything, you name it."



John and Nick had busied themselves trying to pick the lock on the bedroom door. To their surprise it came open from the inside and a naked Simon was pushed out with such force that he fell on top of them.

"Oh God!" Nick screamed. "He's finished with Warren and now he wants to do us as well!"

Simon climbed to his feet in a bit of a daze.

"You should see the bird Warren's got in there. I wouldn't mind havin' a go at her myself."

"You already have Lestat." John replied. "That's why we're in this mess and that's why you think...Wait a minute, did you say Warren?

"Of course I said Warren. Who else would I be talking about? And he could have at least thrown my clothes out after me."

"Yay! You're back to yourself." Nick said as he gave Simon a grateful hug.

"Uh Nick, I'd prefer it if you wouldn't touch me while I'm nude. Hey, how in the hell did you get that bruise on your neck?"

"It's a long story Charlie. It all started when..."



The next morning, Warren emerged from the bedroom a very happy man.

"That witch chick was really something.

"You mean that was all one of us had to do? Sleep with her and she'd free up Simon's mind?" John asked.

"Well, that wasn't ALL I had to do."

"What else Warren?" Simon tried to pump him for information.

"I don't have a good feeling about this." Nick quipped.

"It's no big deal, honest."

"Just tell us what it is Warren." Simon pressed.

"Okay. I promised her that Medazzaland was going to be released by the end of the month."

"You what?! Are you crazy?! Simon's not even laid down the vocals!" John spouted.

"So? Look, she's a Duran fan isn't she? And every Duran fan knows that when we say next month, we mean next year."

"Oh yeah, well that's true." Nick agreed.

"I guess that's the end of this little adventure then." Simon announced. "I'm sure the author is typing up the little 'THE END' bit right now."



Not so fast Monsieur LeBon, the author types. I have a slightly different ending in mind.



Three weeks later, Simon, John, and Nick arrived at Warren's home in England to do some recording.

They were headed up the walkway when they saw a giggling red haired woman leaving the house.

"Oh no! It's her!" Nick cried. "She's up to something evil. I just know she is. I know she's the reason my hairline has started to recede...And I'm starting to retain fluids as well.

Luna spotted the threesome and gave them a friendly wave. She stopped on the walkway for a quick chat.

"Hi guys."

"Alright Luna, what have you done now?" John asked.

"Look, we really did expect the album to be out by now, but you know how things go. It's all Capitol's fault." Simon said spreading it on thick.

"Yeah, yeah, it's Capitol." John stuttered.

"Capitol is so repressive." Nick added.

"It's okay guys. I understand. Your stuff is never out when you say it's going to be. One virtue a Duranie must have is patience."

The three of them breathed a sigh of relief. Luna kissed them each on the cheek and gave yet another friendly wave as she left.

"She's not so bad after all." Nick said as he opened the front door.

"Yeah, I only wish that the rest of our fans could be so understanding." Simon agreed. "I think that..."

His words died on his lips as he spotted Warren standing in the middle of his living room wearing a short baby doll type dress and a blonde wig. He had his guitar strapped on and was strumming it while he sang softly.

"I want to be the girl with the most cake...Someday you will ache like I ache..."

He looked up as the rest of the band entered the room. "It's about fucking time. We don't have long to rehearse before I hafta' go pick up Francis Bean."

John shook his head and let out an agonizing moan.

"Of all the people she could have picked to torture us with, she had to make him believe that he's Courtney Love...."

The End

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

chaosgirl13 [2012-10-23 00:58:47 +0000 UTC]

[link]
I've tagged you.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Libberachi [2012-09-11 12:21:08 +0000 UTC]

LOL. Your humor is pretty epic, I must say.

👍: 0 ⏩: 2

ecwecwecw1 [2011-11-12 16:02:47 +0000 UTC]

Thanks ofr the fav.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

maximum-the-quack [2011-05-22 22:23:20 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the fav!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

barmybritishbird [2011-05-16 07:49:22 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for your lovely comments xx

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

silvermoon822 [2011-04-02 00:20:19 +0000 UTC]

welcome to the Cracked Actor Comic group!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Leachimnoskcaj1234 [2010-06-25 16:30:49 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the watch!!!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Curcurbita [2010-06-24 04:30:12 +0000 UTC]

Bill the cat!!! Epic. Love your avatar.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

nag72 [2010-04-28 07:58:11 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the llama!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

nag72 [2010-04-26 10:03:04 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the watch!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Tooncouplefanatic [2010-04-15 00:04:37 +0000 UTC]

BILL!!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

hankinstein [2010-02-24 01:19:04 +0000 UTC]

Heya gal, just thought I'd drop in and say howdy. Haven't seen you around in awhile! Hope yer doing well.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

vandonovan [2009-12-27 23:07:22 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the on Two Boys and a Pair o' Docs !

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

NymAulth [2009-09-24 09:57:51 +0000 UTC]

Thanks very much for the fav! I appreciate it

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

nursethalia [2009-09-14 16:36:39 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the !

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

vandonovan [2009-09-09 08:07:33 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the on Embrace .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1