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alwayzdazd — p r i v a t e d a n c e
Published: 2005-05-04 01:54:20 +0000 UTC; Views: 616; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 26
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Description
you're wearing that mask again. the onethat coats those wandering eyes with
a syrup glaze, topped off with a perfect
aching vibrant haze. tilt your head so
that i can see that beautiful smirk sitting
pretty upon your sweet face.
i missed you today, as i pretended to
feel your hand in mine. the streets were
too crowded to inhale even half a breath
of wet spring. so i walked with staggered
breath and long strides; the ghost of your
warm hand tight in mine.
is that hat you're wearing lust or
adoration? i can never tell but i know
that i like what i see. it rests on your
head with an air of finality. now push it
down a bit further and to the left,
it will sit just right.
face to face, i let my eyes catch your liquid
ones. this time for more than a split
second because your glance is too sticky
to let me dig my way out. and i am free
with no cost to you. but you knew that,
before i even told you.
let's dance.
Comments: 18
Very nice... As always you have great detail and well placed wording that makes your poetry have a deeper meaning then just simple words interpreted by a humble and/or useless brain that is provided by this world...
DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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The lyrical flow that you achieved in this piece is perfection! What a bittersweet thing for others to connect with, as I am sure we have all felt this way at some point or another, while maintaining your ability to reveal a piece of yourself. Just beautiful!
Come back and keep posting your writing! It is beautiful!
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Sticky sweet. Too much and it makes you sick but you just keep drinking in the sugary goodness.
Ick...Yum... Ick...
Kind of like lust.
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Apologies for not getting over here to read this sooner, that was a serious disservice on my part, since I found so much in your words here to embrace and contemplate. By having the word "private" right in the title, that just added a distinctly different atmosphere to my personal perspective than I might otherwise have adopted. Perhaps I put too much importance on title but beyond that is what really intrigued me. Very elegantly written, as usual, and a different sort of flow to the words defined by the structure of your stanzas that I would say works well here. The interpersonal interpretation that I'm taking away from this is something I think I'll be pondering for a good while. Thank you, I always appreciate that sort of oppurtunity when I'm reading.
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Let's dance.
Put on your red shoes
Lets dance the blues.
Your style always gets to me.
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Been awhile since I commented on one of your works but this is very good. I like the very good choice in stickiness because that word pretty much set the feel of the whole poem to me and it was a good feeling. *nods* Anyways here's lookin at you kid... *grinz a cheezy grin and adjusts his hat.*
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absolutely beautiful! amazing words.... entirely too talented babe!
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The first stanza is awesome... the references to sweetness, particularly sticky sweetness are marvellous. They give a vague reference to physicality in a way that makes me personally slightly nauseated, but it was well written. I also like the way it implies that love won't go away - love is sticky itself. Who can't remember their "first love" (if I believed in such a term), for example?
This ties in far, far too nicely with the arrogant sounds in the third stanza. It points both about wearing to please, and hopeless liking (as you say, lust or adoration, we're not sure). But then that statement is followed by a request for adjustment. While it is indicative of a wish to please, I'm not sure the outside observer could change what she doesn't entirely recognise. But she obviously knows what she likes, even if she can't define it.
The second stanza seems a break from the rest of the poem; the metaphors are completely different from the rest of it, which for me is too stark a change, but it could be construed as a nice indicator of the actual missing of him changes the speaker's world completely. But it still feels untidy.
The last stanza is bizarre... it suggests a power shift from the "him" to the speaker. He expresses some kind of concern over the whole issue, whereas she is very eager, despite the apparent consequences. Nice switch round.
Marvellous, as usual honey
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the second stanza was more of a refrain from her talking to him..and looking back over her day. it was a pretty stark change, but i kind of liked it that way. 
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Yeah, the second stanza would work better as a refrain in a song rather than a stanza in poetry. Would give a nice opportunity for some good key changes.
And do you really want me to feel ill? Particularly given that I've had a fair bit of alcohol tonight?
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The only thing that I can find remotely irking about this is some of the placements of words that break the line. Example:
i missed you today, as i pretended to
feel your hand in mine. the streets were
I'd move "to" down to the next line. I'm never much of a fan of ending a line on words like to, the, as, etc... Same with "or" in the next stanza.
Otherwise, beautiful wording; I love it.
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i tend to agree with you. i was playing around with placement, and some of it, i was not sure about. editing will come, i bet. 
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Ick... not the poem, but the memories of feelings that, though I wish I could forget, exist in the deep holes I've buried them in over time. Perhaps one day they will suffocate, however, this poem highlights the need for further concrete....
Well written.
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very much so in agreeing with 'azurainsides'....
and beautiful, as 'aprayerforharper' has said.
you do good.
keep it up.
take care.
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jesus. right in the ticker. this pierced. ouch. woman you are powerful.
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