FifteenthApostle [2011-06-08 11:40:03 +0000 UTC]
Hmm... Well I said I'd give a proper review, so here goes.
From what little you've given us here, I can gather that this is a fantasy-action-adventure story. Your main character, Lazarus (is he going to come back from the dead?), is going to be a typical hardcore action hero who will have to struggle with a whole lot of personal loss and the burden of a "destiny" which has been mercilessly thrust upon him. Your main selling points will be a whole lot of bone-jarring action, a gritty yet slightly quirky fantasy setting, and an undercurrent of sensuality hopefully without too much gratuitousness. Target audience: teen or above.
Let's start by looking at your setting.
Clearly you've populated your world with some unusual fantasy creatures. First of all we have the Wyvern. They're a dangerous beast, yet the brothers hunt them for meat. This, along with the trophies in the King's great hall, suggests that your characters are part of a strong, warlike warrior culture, yes? I'd like to see some indication of the peoples' martial traditions. The ludicrously short feast scene would be the place for that. Have Nathane describe the hunt or something. Or have minstrels sing of great deeds from the past. That'll add richness to your setting. One thing I'd criticize is that the wyvern wasn't described all that well. I asume that when you say "wyvern" you are talking about a scally, bat-winged, dragonlike creature with no front legs. I know what a wyvern is, but that doesn't mean that all of your readers will. You need to put much more detail into the description. Here's an idea: how abut you describe the shadow of the thing as seen from Lazarus' perspective right before it pounces on him. He is running for his life, a shadow passes over him, it has bat wings etc, the shadow gets bigger, he dives for cover at the last moment... Something like that. Also, what does wyvern meat taste like?
The giant rams are ... interesting. A little bit different, to say the least. It leaves me begging for an explanation of why the zog they're riding big horny sheep instead of horses, though. At the very least, you have got to give us a better description of what they look like. This is vital with anything so central as the main character's prefered mount. give it a name, give it colours and textures, give us a clear idea of its size, its temperament, its abilities. Presumably the rams were the ones doing most of the work in dragging the wyvern carcass. How strong are they? How were they harnessed to the thing? What was the harness made of (this would suggest the kind of technology base the characters have)? What was their attitude toward being forced to drag a big, heavy, stinking, dead predator beast around for a solid day? Give us something here, please.
Continuing with the description of your world, and the flora and fauna within, one huge opportunity I think you missed was the animals in the oracle's hut. That was the perfect opportunity to mention some more weird and wonderful creatures, which would add both to the depth of your world and the weirdness and mystery of the woman herself. A character like that simply demands to have an exotic pet of some kind. And what about the rest of the stuff in her house? That ointment must have been made from some funky herbs and things; so where are they? What exactly was her daughter doing when she returned to her studies? Tending to strange plants? Making more of that stinky ointment? Feeding a gnarly looking concoction to an equally weird looking animal? And what about the whole fortune telling ceremony? She mentioned "bones" but we never saw them. Was it some oogey-boogey pagan gig with child sacrifice and ritual prostitution or what?
In fact, I'd say just about everything in your story is woefully under described. You seem to be very sparse with your descriptive language when it comes to locations. You say they live in a "fortress city" but we get no indication of what kind of city it is. A single paragraph spent describing the size, shape, architecture, and citizenry of "Hanlord" would do wonders for the reader's imagination. And what of the world? Where were the brothers hunting? Give the place a name and some more description. Give us an idea of the geography, the season, the climate. What kind of world do they live in? Give us a feel for the land of ... did you even give it a name? How do you expect us to care about this world you're presenting to us if we don't even know what to call it?
Most of all, though, you need to put more work into your characters. We need more depth and description for everyone. After reading this, I have not connected with any of the characters in the least. To me they seem like flat, lifeless, cookie-cutter characters with no real personality.
The oracle sounds far too pretty and perfect to me. You put more description into her than any other character; is that because she's important, or because you want us to drool over her hawtness? I almost want to see her transform into a hideous hag monster and go for somebody's face, just to break the image. Her daughter (am I wrong in thinking she was fathered by the king? Cuz that sentence needs a little work) sounds like she's going to be important. If not, then I can only asume she exists to further portray the kind of world these people live in and their general lack of marital faithfulness. I mean a wife, four concubines, and a child by the village's hundred-year-old snake oil peddler? Dude, keep it in thyne codpiece!
The biggest gap in character development by far, though, is with the main character. As I said above, he looks to me like a typical hardcore action hero ... which is precisely the problem. He's a cardboard cuttout. Any story, regardless of setting, flies or falls on the strength of its main character. We've just been told that he's going to lose his older brother (it's shokingly obvious that Lazarus is not the one who's going to die), but I feel no emotion for the guy, and even when it happens I probably still won't. Partly because I know it's going to happen, but mostly because I just don't feel anything for him at all. At this stage, he's nothing to me but a name. Before you do anything else, you need to give us, your readers, a feel for the main character and a reason for us to connect with him. If we're supposed to be going on this big epic journey with Lazarus, we'd better know who the guy is. And if you want us to feel his pain when his brother dies, you'd better have them speak more than two scentences to each other before it happens, and perferably before we find out the guy is going to get offed. In fact, I might not even let the reader know about the prophecy, or at least that little detail, until after he snuffs it. Really takes the edge off when we already know he's going to die.
Here is the biggest tip I can give you: before you write another word of actual story, you need to sit down and create detailed character profiles for every single character in your story. And when I say detailed I mean D.E.T.A.I.L.E.D! You need to know your characters better than you know your closest friends. Create a chart for each character and list their: Name, gender, birth date, height, weight, general figure description, detailed face description, skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, hair length, hair styles (formal and casual), identifying marks (tattoos, birthmarks etc), clothing preferences (again, formal and casual, as well as nightwear, swimwear, any special uniforms; everything from their footwear to their jewellery, even their undies! and don't forget colours!), list their home (and place of birth if different), rank or status, family members, friends and acquaintances, abilities and talents, special powers, special equipment and weapons, write a detailed background story covering every remotely important event in their lives (from their first words to their first fight to their first crush, everything!), describe their personality (and how it may have been influenced by their past), their quirks and foibles (such as not being able to swim because they were brought up in the desert or having a bizarre phobia of chickens because they fell into the coop when they were two), list their hobbies and favourite pastimes, their likes and dislikes (food, colours, weather, music, personality types, ethnicity if they're racists, turn-ons and turn-offs, what they look for in a romantic partner; in fact, sexual orientation should probably be a category, too), anything else you can think of that might add depth to your characters, and finally note down their role in the story (hero, mentor, enemy, rival, canon fodder, whatever!). Put in everything you can possibly think of. EVERYTHING!
Okay, so you don't need to go into that much detail with every single character, but it certainly couldn't hurt. And only once you have all of these categories neatly filled in with detailed descriptions should you begin writing your story. Then, as you write, you'll find yourself thinking how your characters would speak and act and respond to the situations you place them in. They'll start acting like real people, rather than just floating along and doing whatever the plot requires them to. You may find your story changes dramatically (hopefully for the better) because you plan to have a character do something only to realise that there's no way that person would ever say/do/think that, and you'll decide to have them do something else instead. That's how you build a real character, and that's how you get your readers to view them and empathise with them as real people. And hopefully you'll end up with an organic, natural-feeling story, too.
Another little thing you want to think about is the way in which the characters speak. They were using terms like "Okay" and "Ya think", which work fine in cheezy teen romance novels set in the real world, but if this is a medival fantasy setting, they definitely shouldn't be using that kind of slang. It really ruined the atmosphere for me. I'm not saying you need to go all "forsooth yon naive" on us, but if you're going to include some colloquialisms (and done properly, that can really add to the feel of your world), try to make them fit the general idea of what someone of that timeline would say. I know it's not supposed to be set in the real world, but even in a fantasy, people never say stuff like that (please don't mention those old live action Xena and Hercules shows *shudder*).
Well, I hope that helps. I'm actually trying to write something, myself, at the moment. Unfortunately I'm stuck for core setting and story ideas. Oh, I've got plenty of ideas, but getting them to mesh, and working out which ones to keep and which to junk has got me thouroughly mired. What I'm looking for is a simple but effective hook - a central idea which everything else will form around. I have little doubt that I could write a book right now, and perhaps even get it published, but I don't want to do anything less than the best that I'm capable of. I'm waiting and praying for that lightning-bolt of inspiration - that single perfect idea. If I can find the right idea, I could make something truly worthwhile.
And there he goes, rambling on about nothing again. It's my bedtime, here. Goodnight. Feel free to ask, if you want more ruthless criticism. You did ask us to be brutal.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Kajm [2011-06-04 13:06:27 +0000 UTC]
Ok. Does it flow well? Yes. Introductions are made quite nicely. 'Rise of the Blood-Hawk' suggests the destiny of the son who survives, so I would surmise more of what that destiny is, will come forth in later chapters.
As I mentioned, there are places where punctuation needs sprucing up. As one reads a sentence, there are natural breaks. Using a comma at the proper point makes it a bit easier to understand the line. An example, plus another suggestion:
'It was a beautiful sunny day and in the high mountains Lazarus, the true son of King Othrin ran for his life. '
I might have gone thus:
'On a beautiful sunny day in the high mountains Lazarus, the true son of King Othrin, ran for his life. '
The other suggestion, of course, being that you seek ways to shorten the sentence, as I did above. I do this constantly with my material, but even after a dozen readings, I still find things I could word better.
Thoughts! When a person's thoughts are being expressed in text, they should stand out from the description:
'He desperately clawed at the rocks trying to find a hand hold, Paeldin help me please!'
'He desperately clawed at the rocks trying to find a hand hold, Paeldin help me please!'
Other bits:
When they return with the wyvern, they are dragging it behind two huge rams (nice choice of animals *g*). Yet the servants seem to carry it off without a struggle. I could see Lazarus perhaps looking amused as they struggled with it
The king studies the statue of the hawk. Nice bit of foreshadowing of the title, it suggest that Paeldin will play a greater role than just being the God everyone looks to. The following sentence is honest but doesn't seem to give enough. 'The king walked out the door without another word.' He glanced at the hawk, but, did he see anything? It seems to me he might have mused upon something there which caught his eye, but chose to keep it to himself, not even glancing back at the seer as he left. How you would chose to word that is, of course, your choice
There you go. Best I can do for now. Hope I helped a bit!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1