Comments: 49
narusakufan12345 [2010-07-18 07:59:29 +0000 UTC]
for a straight dude i say pretty good i stll want to barf! but i like it not love but like
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Allviran [2009-07-04 23:37:37 +0000 UTC]
Awe, this is so cute! I don't really like Trunks x Goten but my friend wants me to at least give it a try. This was the first fan fiction I looked at and I love it.
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Anime0dreamerX [2006-08-09 15:54:50 +0000 UTC]
o.O this isnt gonna turn into a humongus yaoi fanfic is it. ... lol keep goin. dont let me stop you
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Serenit-Y [2006-07-16 00:12:30 +0000 UTC]
I didn't really read the story, i imagines it was yaoi, im not a fan. But the pictures are good, the motion well displayed, the colours could use some work, but they fit the scene and the charfacters usual clothing.
Critique: The colouring makes it seem a bit dull, perherps a more lighter mix of colours
Also Gotens legs need some work. Trunks is pretty good.
gj overall, practice still makes perfect.
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DeathRetsu [2006-07-07 22:46:59 +0000 UTC]
It's alright. You may want to work on the sentence structure a bit more and work out some typos and spelling and grammar errors. It didn't flow too well because of the awkward grammar in spots. You do set up the ending of this part pretty well though.
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Trisha-T [2006-07-07 01:27:55 +0000 UTC]
awww...great ending! how old were you when you wrote this? its really good!
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CantTakeU In reply to Trisha-T [2006-07-07 02:32:13 +0000 UTC]
did u read both parts?? all my stuff posted is less than a year old
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Trisha-T In reply to CantTakeU [2006-07-07 02:43:03 +0000 UTC]
o wait... sorry, i think i missed it. ill go back and check...
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Ligers-mane [2006-07-06 04:45:31 +0000 UTC]
Umm.... I don't do Yoai... Sorry. The piece itself has 2 typos that I notice, one time you say 'the' when you mean 'he' and the other one you said 'nascence'... what was that supposed to be? Interesting work.
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SakuraBaggins [2006-07-06 03:26:51 +0000 UTC]
ok, this is nice because you write in an easy-to-understand fashion. i just think you need to check your spelling on some things, and other errors. just proof read ya kno? ya don't want to b writin lak dis! lolz good luck
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Kel-----Bel [2006-07-06 01:05:04 +0000 UTC]
Ahh DBZ—one of my favorite anime shows of all time! Granted, it has been a while since I’ve seen Goten and Trunks [I’m old ya know, saw DBZ back in the 90’s] but your story brings back the characters nicely.
I think it’s interesting you have these two together, I never really sensed it in the show ever, but, that’s why there is fan fic!
Overall, the writing is good. You were able to keep my interest reading this—not too long to bore me, but not too short. A few writing pointers for the future if you continue doing fan fic:
--You don’t always have to use tag lines at the end of every sentence. Readers can flow a convo pretty well without having, “he said” at the end of every line.
--Try to give movement, placement and feelings before someone is speaking. Example:
Goten sat there in disbelief. His blood went cold as Trunk’s kiss sent chills down his back. “Trunks what was that for?”
Now, I’m not a writing expert, but, these were just a few tips I picked up in journalism school [if ya really want more, I got tons!]
Nice job overall!
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CantTakeU In reply to Kel-----Bel [2006-07-06 01:14:08 +0000 UTC]
I would love them you could IM me on MSN or AIM
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Kel-----Bel In reply to CantTakeU [2006-07-06 01:20:46 +0000 UTC]
Okay, I can see if i can wip up a small guide for ya, send me a note with your email address [if that's cool with you] and I'll send ya over something in a word file. I see that you like Painc! therefore, I gotta help ya out here! LOL!
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Lizuka [2006-07-06 00:12:10 +0000 UTC]
I'm not a Dragonball fan by any stretch of the imagination, but it was an interesting story nonetheless.
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animechik55 [2006-07-05 23:53:17 +0000 UTC]
hehe intresting.wow never knew they liked it eachother lol.This an excellent well-written story.I like it a lot. hehe i cant get over them liking eachother though lol.
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CantTakeU In reply to animechik55 [2006-07-05 23:58:13 +0000 UTC]
Y can't you get over it....I mean if you watch the uncut series its pretty odvious i think
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animechik55 In reply to CantTakeU [2006-07-06 00:03:27 +0000 UTC]
maybe its cause i never seen the uncut version lol.
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sazukaChan [2006-07-05 23:10:01 +0000 UTC]
Very well done; I like it.
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CantTakeU In reply to Hertterdan [2006-07-05 22:04:10 +0000 UTC]
I tryed to fix it look now?
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CantTakeU In reply to isotopez [2006-07-05 19:45:54 +0000 UTC]
Its fine..Thx for taking the time to read it
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CantTakeU In reply to isotopez [2006-07-05 19:45:27 +0000 UTC]
Its fine..Thx for taking the time to read it
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tootsies [2006-07-05 19:21:56 +0000 UTC]
Aww. Cute..
My Big Brother used to watch Dragon Ball! lol.. when he was a kid though..
How old are you? lol..
hehe..
Well .. great job..
TC.
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CantTakeU In reply to tootsies [2006-07-05 19:52:48 +0000 UTC]
Heh part 2 is sapoused 2 be very cute
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CantTakeU In reply to GreenDragon737 [2006-07-05 19:31:43 +0000 UTC]
Ehhh Im writen more parts I aleady have 3 done
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KanjiOokami [2006-07-05 17:03:03 +0000 UTC]
Like on the first sentence it says, "Why do you always do this to me Trunks," says Goten screaming at the top of his lungs.
You stated to types of ways of Goten saying something, Instead it should be something like,
"Why do you always do this to me Trunks," Goten screamed at the top of his lungs.
That way hes not screaming and saying. But thats my opinion.
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CantTakeU In reply to KanjiOokami [2006-07-05 17:16:24 +0000 UTC]
ahh i get it but then to me it doesnt make sense
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KanjiOokami In reply to KanjiOokami [2006-07-05 16:50:39 +0000 UTC]
You could also use some work on the words `says`. When I read the first part thats all I saw!
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CantTakeU In reply to KanjiOokami [2006-07-05 17:00:14 +0000 UTC]
Well what do you mean by that, what should I do?
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