Comments: 26
delicouslavethe8 [2009-12-03 17:17:36 +0000 UTC]
WOW sun ive been reading your stuff all day today and this has caught me like in a way that i cant even describe like i so want to know where she left too in such a hurry what did you do after her descion like ahhh man i have so many questions
i loved this peice simply because its real its a real life situation with beautiful words and actual real feeling
dude honestly what took you so long to realize that the small things is what makes us happy i mean i guess i cant be like why didnt things just stay the same couldnt you have been content with loving her from a far ( thats the shy part of me talking ) argg im so like wtf mate the other part of me woulda been like dude jump on that ask her on a proper date to the cinema..arrggggg
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zephyr-baby [2008-11-06 23:50:10 +0000 UTC]
Very nice. It flows, and tells a good story. It evokes emotion as well.
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Emocinderella [2008-11-06 16:42:56 +0000 UTC]
Aww...amazing. Fills the readers' minde with questions...but yet cute at the same time..
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murdersdawn [2008-11-04 23:35:42 +0000 UTC]
ah how wonderful, I like it a lot.
it somehow manages to maintain a certain hopefulness while being somewhat tragic
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3-degrees [2008-11-04 04:00:34 +0000 UTC]
I'm glad I read the artist's comment first because I did read it aloud, and you're right: that's exactly how it's meant to be done. Especially the first time. It gave it all the sounds of the shy, stumbly yet sumptuous feeling of flirtacious slow smiles shared with a stranger.
In the third line the words "various other items" don't fit with the mood. Most of the poem is quite detailed and precise, whereas (to me, because this is how I use the phrase) 'various other items' seems offhand; uncaring.
"Her olive skin wrinkled" gives a negative image where the surrounding words all seem positive (wrinkles are bad according to society, afterall).
I like the introduction of the lonely smile. I like the effect of knowing the end--again, especially when read aloud.
And double points for expressing something that really happened to you with such clarity. I like that the ending isn't tragic. It's something beautiful and final and now the moment is framed.
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CaptainOzz In reply to 3-degrees [2008-11-04 20:43:07 +0000 UTC]
I've been through the piece with a fine tooth comb, on your suggestion, I changed a few thing here and there, but I couldn't for the life of me find a decent alternative to "Various other items" that didn't ruin the flow.
Any suggestions?
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3-degrees In reply to CaptainOzz [2008-11-10 03:37:18 +0000 UTC]
OH! I just read it again with a new experience tucked under my belt, (almost the exact scenario you described here actually) so suddenly it reads a little differently. I think you're right: "various other items" keeps the flow. Now i read that line with a shy-laugh and an "onto the important details about her" tone. I guess it helps to know what's coming next.
(Why must they always leave?)
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CaptainOzz In reply to 3-degrees [2008-11-10 18:44:47 +0000 UTC]
Why indeed.
Why must we always fall for the ones who're far from home?
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spre [2008-07-14 08:36:25 +0000 UTC]
That is absolutely beautiful.
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rider-on-the-storm [2008-07-07 02:51:29 +0000 UTC]
this seemed to have a lot of truth behind it
honesty wearing your soul on your sleeve.
are you still sad?
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CaptainOzz In reply to rider-on-the-storm [2008-07-07 10:24:55 +0000 UTC]
Kinda yes, kinda no, memories never fade away and you know the workings of the heart.
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Uisliu [2008-07-04 02:44:51 +0000 UTC]
Amazing Ozz.
You are a true god with poetry.
So far. out of all your works this is my favorite one of them all.
Good job mate. Keep on scratching on that notepad with that same pen and smoking with those same smokes.
great works Kaksonen
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sharpie-tattoo [2008-07-03 19:49:48 +0000 UTC]
This is amazing. It's so bittersweet. It makes you feel that same loneliness almost. At least you got to tell her your feelings before she left and you know that she felt the same way. Which makes it easier and harder to let her go at the same time. I love it!
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CaptainOzz In reply to Rushy [2008-07-03 16:29:39 +0000 UTC]
That was exactly what I wanted from it, thankyou so much.
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erikalr [2008-07-03 07:04:39 +0000 UTC]
Ozzy..... this is so very good!
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aritical [2008-07-03 04:12:18 +0000 UTC]
My god, Ozz.
You are amazing.
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CaptainOzz In reply to aritical [2008-07-03 11:30:32 +0000 UTC]
Not many times I've actually stuck completely to the facts in poetry.
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whisperinthetrees [2008-07-03 00:51:01 +0000 UTC]
Seriously? Wow...
This is amazing. Bittersweet endings always break my heart.
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spiker17 [2008-07-02 22:50:36 +0000 UTC]
Powerful. I read a book once that inspired this same feeling of loneliness paired with contentment.
At least that's what I got from this piece. You're an awesome writer.
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CaptainOzz In reply to spiker17 [2008-07-02 23:23:33 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou, again.
I wish I had more to say, in a reply...
But it's a true story, I don't have the lighter anymore, but I still smoke the same cigarettes.
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spiker17 In reply to CaptainOzz [2008-07-02 23:42:25 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome. Always welcome. (:
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abzies [2008-07-02 21:04:12 +0000 UTC]
I really Like it Ozz, It's really good!
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