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You cradle your belly, protecting our child, protecting her from me as tears stream from your hate-filled eyes.

My slumped body before you dipicts the anguish in your heart.  I want to say something to make it better but can't.

I didn't want to hurt you.  I will never hurt her.  I plot and scheme to hurt myself.  Why do I fuck everything up?

The darkest thoughts in my head devour any good thoughts and shit out words that eventually tumble out of my mouth.

It is those shit words that spring knives and lacerate your once-accepting heart but I can't stop them.

You will never forgive me, she may never forgive me, I can never forgive myself.  Forgiveness is the hooker that invites you in and pukes you out.

I reach for your hand.  I need contact.  I need acceptance.  I need forgiveness.  I need that hooker.

You recoil away and turn your back to me, still clutching the life I helped create.  You shake your head and in between sobs I hear one word...

"Why?"

I broke your heart, destroyed your trust in me, killed your love for me and I don't know why.

That one word, the simplest of questions, ricochets inside my skull as if searching randomly for an answer it will never find.

"I fucked up...again."  I know those weren't the words "Why?" was looking for.  That was more shit tumbling from my mouth.

You sigh, a sigh that kicks me in the groin and tears my soul in two...then laughs wildly, knowing I will never recover.

I look up and watch you walk away.  My ears strain to hear your sobs but the distance between us is too great.

My eyes strain to see you one last time but they are clouded with tears.

"I'm sorry."

"I love you."

"It isn't your fault."

Words only I got to hear.