Comments: 31
Princessnapped [2009-06-24 06:09:30 +0000 UTC]
I'd happily beta for you if you wanted me to! XD Just... wait 'til I finish the things I need to!
I've seen some typos', but I don't know if you want to fix those... I also noticed a few phrases that looked somewhat out-of-place... Hmm.
As Sifl says, Ninten's mother = AWESOMESAUCE. 8D The part where she says she did something more drastic to the chair because it wouldn't stop moving... Makes me think she took an axe to it!
Also, Ninten has two sisters? You didn't make that clear; you mentioned just Minnie, not the other one as far as I can tell...
-Oh, Mimmie. XD I didn't notice that. Damn the creators for making their names too similar.
The fact that it sometimes moves to present-tense? A bit confusing... Maybe staying in past-tense would be best.
The telepathic conversation of the dog isn't conveyed very well, either, in my opinon, no offense. You can't tell that it's the dog speaking very well, so perhaps... Go like...
'Oh, that...'
instead of...
Oh, that...
Anyways, I liked this part a lot. x3 Can't wait to read the next one - heck, I'll even go read it now! At least, before mum boots me off... >w>
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 06:15:41 +0000 UTC]
Whoa wait what are other people doing here- okay...
Okay, sifl kinda criticizes and corrects everything I do. I still need to fix part 6 and 7.
But yeah, I hate reading my own stuff, but I'll get around to checking the weak points you noted.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 06:22:16 +0000 UTC]
...Ahahaa!~
Aw, really? x3 That's fine, that's fine. I found some typos Sifl missed, as well... 83 I tend to notice stuff like that for some reason. XD
Don't worry, I hate reading my own stuff as well. x_x
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 06:26:27 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, hate it. I've got to the point where I can do it once before submission for general self-revision and then a bit more, but after submission it's... ugh.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 06:34:43 +0000 UTC]
Hmm... Yeah, after-submission, same for me. I can't do self-revisions either; I can write it just once, and even when I do that, I can't effing like it. x_x Guess I just don't like writing or something...
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 06:37:44 +0000 UTC]
It took me a bit to get over it pre-submission.
My mom writes professionally (you saw on that long reply thread on rowdy's thing I think) and she sends her books off when she can't hate them less by revising them. That is, she sends them when she absolutely can't stand the sight of them anymore. And of course dislikes her own work.
So if people ever tell you that you have to like your own work to write well or to be professional or something like that? They're horribly wrong. Also, if anyone says all professional writers do drafts, they're also horribly wrong.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 06:46:53 +0000 UTC]
It'd take me FOREVER to get over it... x_x I'd need a beta, and I'd need a lot of encouragement, and even then, I would avoid it like it was fleas, termites, and spiders all in one. Without, of course, the screaming that ensures from seeing spiders... I have severe aranchophobia, ya see.
Mm, I did see! I tend to eavesdrop... Ahaha~ Ah, I see? That's a surefire way to know when it's ready to send off, hahaha...
Yeah... No one's told me that, so it's not like I'd believe it anyway! Hmm, good point... The same is true for art; you don't have to like your art to draw well.
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 06:53:04 +0000 UTC]
I don't think I would ever get over it but it's what I do to feel less bad when I'm writing and then I'm suddenly all like "oh god what if it all sucks wait be rational..."
I don't have arachnophobia, but I don't like spiders. Scorpions freak me out because I went to Mexico once and was told unfortunate stories, though I never saw one. No particularly phobia-classifiable fears, I think.
It's not eavesdropping if it's a public post thing, is it?
Good. If anybody either tells me either, I'll be all like "Hi! This is my home phone number. My mother lives there. She's also a professional writer. I think she would have issues with your statements about professional writers but feel free to give her a call if you're so certain!" and it'd be to a teacher so I'd get in trouble.
Hey what is this favouriting thing it's making me uncomfortable.
Funnily enough, I never had AIM or MSN or anything until this summer. Now I do.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 07:12:10 +0000 UTC]
Hmm... Yeah, not a lot of people do. It's okay, though - it's kinda... natural, I guess, to worry about things like that. And it doesn't all suck, y'know!
Hmm, I don't like scorpions, but I've never ever met one... I don't like needles or blood very much, either, and I think I might have a phobia of needles. I'm not sure, I can handle them absolutely when I have to as long as they aren't touching me... Geez, that tetanus shot a few years ago was my worst surprise in YEARS...
Hmm, good point! 8D
Was that meant to be humorous...?
Aw, sorry about that!
...
Seriously? I've had MSN for YEARS, ever since I was eight, I believe...
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 07:24:34 +0000 UTC]
I... know. Well, grudgingly admit.
Blood's okay, mostly -- I hate how it tastes. Needles are okay for me now. Eye stuff is icky, because I never recovered from being told about the white part of my eye being liquid and what happens if something pierces the lens. Ick.
Nah, I just hope I get to do it!
I'll get over it. Well, I better.
Everyone seems to have. People keep giving me strange looks when I'm like "no I don't have MSN" and I kinda enjoyed that. I just got AIM and sent rowdy a message and got MSN too just because. And skype. Voice chatted once over skype.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 07:29:24 +0000 UTC]
Good! You're gettin' further~
Aaargh, damned scanner...
...Anyway, yeah, it's kinda weird, but... Yeah, I'm not gonna bore you with details. ...o.o What... happens? Waaait, don't tell me, don't tell me! Dx And I never knew the white part was liquid...
^^ Really?
Stop saying "I better"! It's like you're trying to force yourself to do something you can't do...
Ahaa~ I don't have a cell phone, myspace, or twitter. x3 Well, I DO have a cellphone, but I'm not on it 24/7--I use it only in case of emergencies or to order pop... I don't like aim or Yahoo, and MSN I still don't use frequently. I'm almost always logged on, though, so people can talk to me.
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 07:32:38 +0000 UTC]
That's as far as you'll get.
The eye stuff? Well it's like any liquid. White stuff leaks out, drips down your face, and eye stops functioning.
Crap, that was mean of me.
Yeah, it'd be great fun!
I just mean it will suck if I don't.
Ayup. I don't have a cell phone and don't want one because oh my god I hate trying to not lose stuff. I am not the most organized of people.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 07:35:49 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, probably...
...
...
Okaaay, I'm not gonna be able to get that out of my head. x_x Oh well, I'll be okay - I've accidentally poked my eyes several times, and they haven't popped yet, so...
Cool, then!
AH, I see. ...Just don't overwork yourself, a'rite?
Mmhm, I lose mine alllll the time. XD I find it only because it beeps.
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 07:53:54 +0000 UTC]
Oh, definitely
Yeah, now I always have to check my eye for white stuff whenever I do anything to it.
Of course I won't, I'm too lazt for that.
Yeah...
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 17:30:30 +0000 UTC]
Mmhm.
...Yeah, just go to a mirror or something... ._.
Really? -grin- You suuureeeeeeee?
^^ But my sissy turned the beeping off, so I can't find it anymore, ahaha.
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 17:50:08 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, but you can't really tell in a mirror because the lens is transparent and the white stuff inside or out'll look the same...
Fairly.
Oh, well done.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 18:01:08 +0000 UTC]
Oh. So you have to have someone else check for you...?
Ah, eww...
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 18:02:37 +0000 UTC]
No. I kinda just...
You know what? Nevermind!
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 18:23:25 +0000 UTC]
...Oh, phew. Ahaha... Glad we're off THAT subject now.
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dekw In reply to Princessnapped [2009-06-24 18:26:31 +0000 UTC]
...Yes. Yes we are.
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-24 18:39:38 +0000 UTC]
I hope.
Anyways, uh, been cruel to your five-year-old yet? 8D
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Princessnapped In reply to dekw [2009-06-25 03:54:57 +0000 UTC]
xD Sorry, had to ask.
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Sifl-senpai [2009-05-21 22:50:09 +0000 UTC]
First paragraph- make today and the usual wake up routine's differences clearer. (You say he woke up slowly today in the first sentence, then that he woke up quickly today in the third.) Sentence 10- take out 'though'; suggested insert: "...was like all the others before it; it wasn't going to be deciphered..." Yay, semicolons!
Second paragraph- The "lamp monologue" was very good. Take out the "as he faced it". Next sentence: "...lacked the dazing force the first one had possesed." Try not to use the same word twice- same for rushed!
The doll irony was amusing. I'd take advantage of that.
See if you can flesh out the doll's control ("...to ruin control over it." I know you ask for prior game knowledge, but I'm gonna suggest "to ruin its accuracy", or something.)
Mess with your transitions from room to room, espacially the first one and to the downstairs..
I would make Ninten a little more freaked and disbelieving about the whole "PSI thing", personally. That's just me.
Ninten's mom is awesome.
Ninten meets crow paragraph- "landed on Ninten's dead." I think I missed something (tee-hee.)
He batted it with the bat. I don't know if I like that or not. Last sentence of paragraph: "...began to pick up words, FIRST of bewilderment..."
Wally had always been THE quiet kind.
He barely dodged, getting a slight tear in his shirt as he *dodged. *did it. Use dodge less.
haft= shaft
Cutting, bludgeoning, and gouging Ninten. perhaps we did land on Ninten's dead. Just kidding.
"...snapped ME out of it."
"Crazy objects are one thing, but i you can’t even hold any trust in the mind..." Don't know what you have in mind for the last 1/2 of the sentence.
Accent Wally's niceness.
I'd mess with the "active sibling" explanation.
You have lots of good ideas and you write a bit like me- fancy long sentences! If you just edit this more and expand on some of your ideas, it will make this even better! Keep up your good work!
***traumatisation- Ah, are you Canadian, Australian, British, American or from New Zealand? Spelling varies from continent to continent.
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dekw In reply to Sifl-senpai [2009-05-22 02:14:57 +0000 UTC]
And more stuff as I post thought by thought: I didn't necessarily want to have Ninten freaked out or disbelieving; it seems to happen all the time in writing to the point where it tires me. He'd already has a history of odd precognitive feelings, and inanimate objects attacking.
The doll's odd movement (as if it knew how to but without the reflexes to) is a reference to Giegue (who I assume to be in control of the telekinetic disasters) and his history.
Thanks for taking the time to read and critique!
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Sifl-senpai In reply to dekw [2009-05-22 18:44:54 +0000 UTC]
It's not THAT particular thing-
It's... ah, I'll go look at it again.
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dekw In reply to Sifl-senpai [2009-05-22 01:55:36 +0000 UTC]
Umm, "quite kind" =/= "The quiet kind".
Like, while quiet is an anagram of quite, I meant what I wrote.
Ruining the doll's control meant the psychokinetic control, as after the hit it simply careened without independent movement and crashed.
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Sifl-senpai In reply to dekw [2009-05-22 18:46:33 +0000 UTC]
Whoops to the first thing.
Somehow squeeze the gist of the second thing in there somehow. For clarity.
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dekw In reply to Sifl-senpai [2009-05-22 01:44:15 +0000 UTC]
Hey, you actually went and read/criticized it. A number of typos spotted are just me (I haven't a beta reader or anything, I just post what I churn out.
Umm, in no particular order, which may make it confusing.
"As he turned to face it" was so that it made sense that the lamp behind/beside him could hit him in the face, which would normally require he be facing it already.
For clarification, Wally was actually a random enemy in mother 1, so that's something I changed.
Some clarification in my writing is indeed in order.
Dead meant head >.<
I'll clean up the easy stuff now. Also, criticism feels kinda embarrassing for whatever reason. It's a first, I'll get over it.
And I'm Canadian.
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Sifl-senpai In reply to dekw [2009-05-22 18:50:25 +0000 UTC]
Hey, man, you've seen and spotted my typos. they're ALL OVER THE PLACE. That's what a second pair of eyes is for.
It's your story, so you just take everything I criticize with the knowledge that YOU are the author and can do whatever feels right to you.
I only suggest, and I am human. I err.
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