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Published: 2012-08-31 06:03:25 +0000 UTC; Views: 11266; Favourites: 95; Downloads: 7
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Comments: 121
If you're poly in a relationship with a mono and they don't respect that aspect of you or allow you to express it, then as much as it would hurt I think it would be better to end the relationship then to keep up an act.
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Wow, I know exactly how you feel. I am in the exact same situation.
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Damn... I feel you. I feel you so badly.
I learned from a very similar situation: You can't make your fiancΓ© polyamorous nor can he make you monogamous. Your other love definitely wants to hold hands with you in public. Decide. (Please please believe me I know how hard this is, I wasn't able to, they decided for me.) Can you be monogamous for your fiancΓ©? Does your other love support polyamory? If so... you know. If not... you might need to find two (or more) other loves.
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While I myself am steadfastly against polyamory (I hate it to the very core of my being) I understand that there are others who think differently, and I'll try my very best to respect that, and rest assured that what I have to say next is as free from bias as possible.
I hate that you're trying to play the victim. I'm sorry, it may seem to you that I'm letting the bias seep in, but really, that's not it at all. I get that you're in love with another guy and that your current "official" partner is strictly monogamous, but you have to at least give him a say in this. Do you have any idea how cruel you're being to him by keeping this from him? He trusts you. And it's your responsibility not to betray that trust. That line "I wish my other love and I could hold hands in public" just sounds so bratty. By not discussing this with your "official" lover, you're hurting your other lover as well, you do know that, right? Because your other lover is your "official" one, the one that everyone knows, he (or maybe she) will feel that they're not as good as your "official" lover, they'll feel like second-best, and if you do love both of them equally, then you shouldn't allow him to feel that way. You shouldn't make him have to hide your relationship. So please, just grow up already and deal with this problem instead of continuing to run away from it. Believe me, I know that it's hard, but "continuing this act" should absolutely not be an option.
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My thoughts exactly.
If I was polyamorous I'd tell my partner before even starting the relationship. Any person involved should know of the others! Otherwise, it's just cheating, which is what this case seems to be, since she didn't tell her fiance. And calling this person "fiance" implies that she's about to marry this guy, which makes it worse.
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IMO, polyamory is as legitimate as monogamy. But to be done right there need to be rules, communication to ease any jealousy/possessiveness before it springs up, and consent from all parties.
This writer may be a polyamorous person. But if she's seeing someone else without informing her fiance, that's not polyamory at all - it's just cheating, plain and simple.
And if she can't stay monogamous now, she won't ever. She should end it with the fiance before they both get hurt, stay with the other boyfriend since they're clearly a better match, and find her happiness with like-minded people.
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Your fiance can't help that they're not poly is all. I know if my partner were to suddenly ask me to be poly, I would be heartbroken to learn that I wasn't the only one for my love. I'd feel like I wasn't enough.
I don't want to tell you to force yourself to be mono, but don't force your partner to be poly either. Some people are saying to break up, and that might be best if you want a poly relationship.
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"I know if my partner were to suddenly ask me to be poly, I would be heartbroken to learn that I wasn't the only one for my love. I'd feel like I wasn't enough."
absolutely this. I would also be heartbroken if I found that out. I admire monogamous people who can put up with being with a polyamorous partner, I'd find it heartbreaking knowing I wasn't good enough myself. Cheating is never right, no matter your sexuality or preference.
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Yeah I don't know how a monogamous person would be able to handle it...but if they can, then that's their own business :'3
Yeah cheating just isn't right.
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I think it all depends on the person. My boyfriend and I could never let a third person into the relationship because we love each other so much but some people just don't have singular love, just like how some people are aromantic. However, if you don't tell him, it's still cheating and unfair to both of them. Remember, if you really love them you don't want to see them torn to bits when they find out about each other.
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It seems very selfish to say 'I wish polyamory was more acceptable'. Its just because they're too scared to make the hard choice of who to stay with. How would either lover feel if they found out they were being played like this?
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There are plenty of reasons to say "I wish polyamory was more acceptable". We aren't entirely open about my boyfriend having a second girlfriend - everyone who needs to know about her knows, but a lot of people who should know don't know that she's any more than a friend, because poly isn't more acceptable and the drama that it would cause is too much for people to handle even with the three of us being close.
This situation though, its an excuse for cheating because of fiance not knowing 
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I don't think it's selfish at all. That is basically saying that polyamory doesn't exist, which it does.
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I think it might be better for both of you in the long run if you break up now and find someone who shares and accepts your needs. The act will cause nothing but heartarche and unhappiness. Eventually it will break down.
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I agree... I've been on the other end of this before and it just sucks. they say opposites attract, but there is a such thing as being too different. poligamy and monogomy just can't co-exsist in a relationship. I'm sorry secret-teller, but it might not work out for and your fiance
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100% agree with this comment
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Disagree with this. Poly is unacceptable
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I'm sorry.
It's really not okay to be hiding your other relationship from him. I know it would be a difficult conversation to have, but it needs to happen. Poly only really works when ALL the parties involved are aware and are okay with it. Best of luck to you. <3
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What I've seen work well with poly/mono relationships where the mono person isn't comfortable with sharing is the set up where the poly person will talk about their interests with the mono person if they develop interests rather than hiding them but never act on them. It meant that they didn't need to feel bad about the interests
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What is "polyamory" and "monogamous"?? o.0
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Monogamy is when someone loves only one person and dates/has sex with only them.
Polygamy (not polyamory, that was a spelling mistake) is when someone loves/has sex with more than one person. Usually all of the people in the relationship are alright with it.
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"Polyamory" wasn't a spelling mistake. You clearly don't know what it means.
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polyamory pretty literally means "many loves". It's the idea or feeling that you (or people in general, depending on who you ask) can love more than one person at once.
Monogamous refers to someone who practices monogamy--the opposite of polyamory. A monogamous person feels they can only love and/or be with one person at once.
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Makes sense 
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I am very monogamous. I know the idea my partner was with another person would probably break my heart, I could never, personally, be in a relationship like that. If you love your fiance you should tell him about your feelings, and talk about it. Really, he needs to know. It's not fair to him, or yourself. He may not be like me, he may be totally ok with you having other relationships. It's both your happiness at stake here. Neither of you have a right to force the other into a certain kind of relationship. And if things don't work out? You'll both be able to heal, and grow as people.
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I think polyamory is a wonderful thing. Of course when it's done right. I hate when people think it's an excuse to cheat when it's not like that at all. I have a polyamorous friend who taught me a lot about it (of course I was never disgusted by it either)
While my partner and I are monogamous, I'm very fond of poly.
Just please don't do anything behind your fiances back. I'd say talk to him about it, but I know that must be so difficult too. :C
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I'm monogamous dating a polyamorous person in a semi-open, it can work out but it takes a lot of communication and a willingness of both parties to try and understand the mentality of the other.
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Essentially Polyamory is when a person is capable of loving more than one person in a more intimate way than you'd love a friend. Some people choose to express it in different ways and enact upon it in ways such as just cuddling or holding hands, all the way to leading relationships with multiple partners.
A friend of mine is Polyamorous, and while she is married and her husband knows she's married, she respects his lifestyle of Monogamy enough to stay committed to him. However he hasn't been against her cuddling with other people with whom she is attracted to.
Polyamory is not an excuse to be cheaters. It is only an issue if you don't let your primary partner know that you are Polyamorous and they are not aware that you are and you then go and pursue other relationships. The thing with relationships and especially these relationships is you have to have trust in your partner. However because of how society views Polyamory, most people hide that side of themselves and then try to lead a secret lifestyle with other people. And that is at the point you see people getting hurt because of it.
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im not trying to bash anyone or anything like that, since i just now had to look up what the word meant but... isn't this kind of.. being a bit selfish? one person getting to have two loves... doesn't sound so fair to me but i guess that's only me. not trying to offend anyone, really :/
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How can pure love be selfish? Admittedly, it has to be done right. If it's a healthy relationship for everyone involved, then they're just like one large romantic family.
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Polyamory doesn't just mean that one person can have more than one relationship. Generally, both partners will have multiple relationships, or in the case of triads, all three people are in one relationship with eachother.
Polyamorous relationships tend to take a lot of work. But they can be just as strong as monogamous relationships if all goes well.
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typically everyone in the relationship is okay with the way of it.
polyamory is essentially feeling more 'complete', i guess, with more than one love.
that's how my polyamorous friend explained it anyway.
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No, you will not have to keep up the act. Your 'act' is doing more harm than good.
Think about it - are you truly happy like this? I think not. You are a poly person in a monogamous relationship and you have another love you are hiding behind your primary partner's back. There is nothing wrong with poly but lies and deceit are wrong.
What you really need to do is have a serious talk with your fiancΓ©. Tell him that you are polyamorous and your other love, explain it to him and let your fiancΓ© decide on what happens. He might forgive you and will turn out to be okay with the idea of a poly relationship. He might not. Whichever happens, both of you have a right to be happy. And if you can't find a way to be happy with each other, you will have to part ways.
Good luck.
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Yes, but this isn't helping the ST. If there's nothing helpful or nice to say, don't say it.
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there is nothing positive to say about this. this is wrong. this person is cheating, and wishing that both of them will be ok with it.
and this type of relationship is wrong in the first place. even if all 3 agree and love each other, its still wrong. that just means theres one very selfish person and the other 2 are willing to accept it.
or, if its how it should be, and each person loves each other instead of a center person, one person will always be put out of the realtionship as well. whether its every other day, hour, or even minute.
any way you put it, there is nothing good about this type of thing.
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Just wanted to let you know that I'm one of the few people that agree with you.
Humans are, by nature, very selfish creatures, and it may not be any time soon, but eventually, somone is not going to be able to take it anymore. Not to mention the affects it has on the children.
I, myself, could never, ever imagine sharing my partner with another woman. In this respect, I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that a partner is supposed to fill the role of your other half, and as everyone knows, there cannot be more than two halves.
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thank you, im very happy to hear that at least one person is not blinded by the fact that we have freedom, and actually looking at what could possibly be wrong here.
and im glad to hear that you believe in 2 people as well. i cant ever see myself understanding this, im actually very understanding when it comes to things like this. but this.. i just cant imagine. and i cant see how someone of this sexuality would be part of it without a negative reason.
so ty for not trolling me c:
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You're welcome~
And yeah, I'm usually very open-minded about things regarding "love" but this is just too much for me...in my opinion, it's very demeaning to the partners, because it's like saying "you're replaceable."
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EXACTLY
im so happy someone understands .__.
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Me too o_o. I'm surprised that there aren't more people that object...I live in a very religious area (Muslims mostly, but quite a few Christians and Hindus as well), and I know that if anyone ever even thought of trying that, they would have their heads torn off (not literally) by pretty much the entire neighbourhood XD. I'm not saying that's the right way to go about it, but still...
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Love = Love.
Nothing else to say. I was just telling you that, as some people are more inclined towards men, women, or one person.
And wait a sec.
"even if all 3 agree and love each other, its still wrong. that just means theres one very selfish person and the other 2 are willing to accept it."
If they all love each other, it doesn't mean that they're doing it for the one person, they're doing it for themselves.
And it's not selfish, even compared to monogamous relationships. Love is selfish, even between two people.
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i know but i just think this is so wrong and its disturbing me that so many people dont. this is just people accepting cheating. im one to believe in many things and desires, im not judgemental of practically everything. but this.. is just so bad.
+
i was using 3 different situations.
say, theres one girl and 2 men. the girl will be the center of attention. thats when its selfish.
-differnt situation-
if the men happen to also be very compfortable with being gay, it would be the last thing i said. one out of the three will take turns being neglected.
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It's not accepting cheating. Cheating is going and having a relationship behind a partner's back. Polyamory is when a person has more than one relationship with all people involved knowing about and accepting it.
I used to think that, but if the other two were polygamous, they would have other relationships to balance their time between. If they weren't, then they would have other things to do so that the girl could be involved romantically with them both, while being able to balance their time between them. Same with your other situation. And how is it 'being comfortable' with being gay? Are you comfortable with being straight?
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