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DorianP — Thunder Song
Published: 2008-06-03 22:03:12 +0000 UTC; Views: 854; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
When the thunder plays,a cello in the air
conducted by a blinding flash,
I look upon the land.
Over rolling hills they flow,
depicting deadly waves
And from the very deck of life
I look upon the sea.
Sparks are raining down on us,
the world is all ablaze
Your face it burns with bliss, and thus
I look upon the flames.
Then I walk alone
a concert-hall without a wall,
ceiling fraught with turmoil
I look upon the sky
hear the cello in the air.
Thunder, please take me along,
to words unwritten and tales untold
on lightning steeds I’ll ride with you
all the way through rain and cold.
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Comments: 4
Right, postponed this for too long, for which I humbly do apologize.
>>When the thunder plays,
>>a cello in the air
>>conducted by a blinding flash,
>>I look upon the land.
Hm. It's kinda glaringly obvious that you're listening to cello as you write this. It's only a small step away from saying "While the cello plays, I'm watching a thunderstorm". This stanza has potential, but you're sort of sabotaging it by being obvious. If you can "hide" the cello, embed it or imply it an another image, then this might work.
Last line (repeated, with variation, in the next three stanzas) is somewhat overbearing, too majestic perhaps. Not sure where you're going with it, really.
>>Over rolling hills they flow,
>>depicting deadly waves
>>And from the very deck of life
>>I look upon the sea.
Who's "they"? The waves "they" depict? Kinda confused here.
Nice sonism going on in the first line, really flows and undulates, constrasting nicely with the pounding D-s in the second.
"the very deck of life"...rather heavy-handed don't you think? Not "just the deck of life", but the VERY deck of life...the metaphor is already straining a bit (in fact, I don't really see how this works, image-wise, unless you're willing to take the ship-analogy all the way), and this addition of focus really makes it groan and creak.
>>Sparks are raining down on us,
>>the world is all ablaze
>>Your face it burns with bliss, and thus
>>I look upon the flames.
By now, you're no longer talking about a thunderstorm. Or if you are, I'm not hearing it anymore. The storm has sort of gone off-tangent and became "the four elements" instead.
The sparks raining somehow doesn't fit with the rest of the stanza: it sounds too gentle when paired with flames and ablaze.
You mention a "you" in the poem, but somehow I'm not seeing anybody else but you. You're alone in the poem, yet there's a reference to another. Probably an anthropomorphization of something else, but it makes me wonder...
>>Then I walk alone
>>a concert-hall without a wall,
>>ceiling fraught with turmoil
>>I look upon the sky
>>hear the cello in the air.
The wall-less concert hall's not working for me. Or rather, the way the line makes me think only one wall is missing isn't. I'd switch line 3 and 4:
>>I look upon the sky
>>a ceiling fraught with turmoil
>>and hear the cello in the air.
(or something like).
>>Thunder, please take me along,
>>to words unwritten and tales untold
>>on lightning steeds I’ll ride with you
>>all the way through rain and cold
And all of a sudden we get rhyme. I find myself doing that every once in a while: free-form with internal rhyming and embellishments, which all of a sudden sort of veers off into metered and rhymed. Not a problem as such, but it markedly offsets this stanza from the others. This being the conlusion, the adressée, it kinda works, though.
To ride the lightning is a universal aspiration (or was, before we invented the electric chair), but somehow, I get the feeling this was not what the poem wanted to be about. I'm feeling at odds with the cello and the elements and the storm: three themes which the poem seems to be about, but no single one fully developed.
I think if you can wrap your head around what the poem is about (even on the most abstract of levels) then you may be able to get it to work. As it is, it's not doing much for me, I'm afraid.
Hugz to ya buddy!
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I stumbled on the fourth part, which has 5 lines in stead of 4... But nice metaphores, good wording. I almost expected a part about some greek or roman god coming crashing out the skies, but alas...
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I have changed the fourth stanza a tiny bit: instead of "in a hall that has no wall", which was kind of lame, I made it "a concert-hall without a wall". This way, the fifth (and thus extra) line of the stanza becomes not only useful, but necessary. This classical music reference is the end of the four elements comparison, and also a return to the beginning of the poem, where I did so too.
The fifth stanza, in the meantime, is a conclusion, a plea that closes the entire poem.
The reference to a god would not fit in with the poem. It's all about nature and humanity, not about supernatural forces. There are certain images in my mind when I think about thunder and lightning. Perhaps not as strong as the colours and images you see, having synaesthesia, but images nonetheless. As I was listening to Bach's cello suites at the time, that was a rather obvious influence. Another "inner world" of mine is that of the green sea, a virtually endless land with soft hills covered by grass. As those hills look like waves, the plains are called the green sea. The sparks in the third stanza are raindrops lit by lightning. Who that someone else ("your face") is I still have to find out. And finally there's of course always the search for more words, more stories, more poems. I know I can write quite decent stuff, as long as I overcome my natural laziness. This is about that.
Eh, well, don't know if you wanted such an explanation, it's probably even more for myself to get things clear. I am fully aware of the dozens of pieces of yours that are still waiting for a comment, and I am appropriately ashamed.
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Thanx for your extra info, I think I see where you were going, and I think it fits.
As for the deviations of me.... well, lets say I also have a decent list awaiting my comments...
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