HOME | DD
lilymaid7 β
turning
Published: 2004-10-07 03:51:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 2960; Favourites: 33; Downloads: 964
Redirect to original
Description
Leaves fall like golden flame on to the road,the sky stands still and blue.
The earth bears fruit, bright berries, purple, red.
The sun weighs heavily
in the autumn air-- fragrant, ripe, and warm,
like an apple ready to be picked.
There is no death here, only gentle turning.
A blush steals over trees
as they drop their many children to the earth.
Soon they will fall asleep,
exhausted by their own fecundity,
and winter's white blanket will cover them.
Related content
Comments: 67
Nice to hear such an enthusiastic response.
Thank you.
π: 0 β©: 1
It reminds me of either a Chinese or Japanese quatrain set, so I'm all over it!
BTW - Thanks again for the
π: 0 β©: 0
This is an amazing poem about Autumn. I love it!
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
π: 0 β©: 0
all i have to say is i envy your writing 
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you. 
π: 0 β©: 1
Excellent! This is a perfect end to my fav season.
I've got an autumn poem or two in my gallery that I think you might like if you have some time to spare.
-Cheers!
-Az
π: 0 β©: 0
how about removing the "them" in the last line? I think that would read better.
π: 0 β©: 1
It would make a difference, but the ending line really needs a subject, or the reader will be left with asking "covers what?".
π: 0 β©: 2
or, to rephrase, is it important to know what it covers when it covers everything? And isn't that what makes it so cool? Your yard's covered, neighbor's yard is covered, hats are covered, trees, bushes, hills, vallys, bikes, roofs, it doesn't matter what is being perceived to be covered, because the idea is that the white snow covers everywhere. No matter if you live in a good neighborhood or a bad one because under snow, it doesn't matter. We all are the same and we are all humble before the greatness that is.
π: 0 β©: 1
It is a lovely way to use the word, I agree; but in this place, in terms of the style and the rhythm and the events in the poem, I think it would be too abrupt and unbecoming to remove the last word.
π: 0 β©: 0
your writing brought tears to my eyes. thank you.
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you for your comment. It was very sweet.
π: 0 β©: 0
Truly a beautiful piece...would you permit me to use this in a project? I'm collecting autumn-related works of various artists...the project is on how fall inspires us...painters, sculpters, photographers, poets, writers and musicians all. ^^
π: 0 β©: 2
It is for one of my college courses, 'Natural History of Northern New England: Fall'. We had to choose a fall-related project, and I chose to put together a sort of slideshow to show how fall effects the lives of artists everywhere, and write a piece of music to go with it. I can't really find much poetry out there, and yours is striking. You would get complete credit of course, and would be placed in with such folks as Maxfield Parish and George Winston.
π: 0 β©: 1
Sorry it took me so long to get around to replying. I guess I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed by the comments on this piece, so I accidentally overlooked yours. If you still need it, I don't mind your using it for that purpose.
Maxfield Parrish makes me happy.
π: 0 β©: 0
Thank you.
I usually am a bit shy about my work to be honest, but I suppose it won't hurt to ask what sort of project.
π: 0 β©: 0
my my! its not often i find a poem that i really really like, but this is wonderful! inziladun's analysis really helped too. Im not a great analyzer, but when i do see whats good about the poem, it makes the experience all the better. the images were almost perfect! i could feel the fall day just reading it! and some of the lines are just brilliant! *claps* this is practically something id find in my literature book!
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you ever so much.
π: 0 β©: 1
Welcome! Im amazed you're commenting back! this is a friggin daily deviation! o_o you must be swamped!
π: 0 β©: 1
i wrote a poem something like this one! i like yours a lot.
heres mine: [link]
π: 0 β©: 1
it's beautiful.... not a poem about death, but a poem about the grace and tranquility of transformation.
π: 0 β©: 1
π: 0 β©: 1
i can't wait for autumn... the poem is wonderful, i wish i could write this well.
-greg-
π: 0 β©: 1
awesome imagery, and cool word "fecundity" I'll have to work that into some conversation
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you.
It is a pretty sounding word, I think.
π: 0 β©: 0
....eh. It's a little too chiche for my taste, but congratulations on the Daily Deviation.
π: 0 β©: 0
Hey I wrote a poem about autumn too, you should check it out. It always makes me happy to see a well-written poem make a DD 
Autumn
On critiquing your poem I loved the opening line, and the ending lines were perfectly powerful, with a simple last sentence. Of course, just because its simple doesnt make it bad 
My only problem with your poem was on this line:
The earth bears fruit, bright berries, purple, red.
Which, imo, would sound better worded like this;
The Earth bears fruit; bright berries or purple and red,
OR
The Earth bears fruit: bright berries; purple, red
Why? It makes more sense to me that way. If you dont change it thats fine, there is that other line you wrote similar to this one, but the other is more logical and makes sense worded how it is. Lol, dont take any offence at m critiquing, I tend to critique everything!! Its up to you anyway if you do anything about it. Thanks for another insightful poem on Autumn-that makes 3 really great ones ive read this year
π: 0 β©: 1
I'm very glad you think it well-written.
It's perfectly ok to critique it. People tend to do that with poems, and so long as it's not "I hate your poem, it stinks" I believe it to be more useful than anything else.
I wrote it like I did because I thought the rhythm worked better that way. You're right, it is a a bit of a difficult spot in the poem. I perhaps sacrificed a bit of making sense for the sound.
π: 0 β©: 0
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you. I liked that one too, probably because it's sort of odd.
π: 0 β©: 0
*awe*
so eloqently you have captured the feel of autumn
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you ever so much. Awe is a much better response than I had hoped for.
π: 0 β©: 1
Oh but is is just fantastic!
π: 0 β©: 0
Autumn is my favorite time of the year... You captured why with perfection. Kudos
π: 0 β©: 1
Congratulations for the DD. I don't think I've read this poem of yours before. I have to say I find the imagery a tad clichΓ©d - not clichΓ©d in a "I slit my wrists and crimson blood drips on my black heart" way but just a bit too used. You could be more creative with your usage of adjectives, the English language has a wide variety of them.
I'd like to see something really unusual in the poem, besides leaves, berries and death. "There is no death here, only gentle turning." is a nice line though, it would make a great ending line too. I think "winter's white blanket" is one of the slightly clichΓ©d parts. It's mostly about the "white", I'd say, though I second * inziladun 's suggestion about using "wool" instead of "blanket".
The structure is quite good, though I feel like the third line interrupts the flow. Almost the same happens with the third line in the second stanza. "as they drop their many children to the earth." could probably be said in another way. Actually the ending of the poem is very heavy with pronouns. The word "they" or "them" appears five times, which I feel is exaggerating. I'd remove the comma after "fecundity".
π: 0 β©: 1
Thank you. You're definitely right about the comma. I'm relatively sure I'll be editing this one again someday. I usually do, and critique from others always makes that easier.
π: 0 β©: 0
so nicely written. the imagery you conjure is lush and wonderful.
π: 0 β©: 1
I'm glad you think so.
π: 0 β©: 0
wonderful. wonderful..
thank you for this..
wish we had autumn
π: 0 β©: 1
You're welcome, and thank you.
π: 0 β©: 0
| Next =>