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killerUnicorn6 [2019-10-12 23:24:04 +0000 UTC]

Hello! I'm from , here to give a critique! Don't mind me if some of my advice doesn't quite apply to how you do comics now, since it's been quite some time since this was posted in Project Comment. Since you want to focus more on your writing, I'll focus most of my critique on that!

Firstly, I'd like to address the dialogue between your characters. I'd like to say upfront that I can learn quite a bit about their personalities from their lines, which is something that I see a lot of people struggle with when writing dialogue. However, the lines don't really flow really well, and seem to be more functional in advancing the plot than being things that the characters would say. Mysteries and questions are brought up, but they cause more confusion than intrigue. For example, all that I really learn from the first couple of panels with the group is that they're chasing something, and that they need to have a shield up for some reason. I don't learn much about the dynamic between the characters, have no idea what they're after, even less of an idea on what kind of impact what they're looking for. Is this normal for them? Dangerous? I don't really know, and because of it the setup feels weak because I don't really know what the characters are doing! This becomes much less of a problem as it progresses, but plenty of things are still unexplained, such as what job they're specifically asking of Feith, why they're even there, etc.

TLDR; It's difficult to gauge what's going on because the dialogue is clunky and vague, and even after rereading the page a couple of times I still don't know what's going on. 

Onto your characters, while they're well designed their lack of opinions, dynamics, stake in the plot, etc makes it difficult for the audience to get invested into them. This is something that you should really try to remedy in future pages, because the unclear plot and lack of characters seeming to have a motivation to be a part of it will make readership drop and make telling the story you want to harder in the long run. 

Something that I've seen done to get people more invested into characters, is to give them something very clear that they fight for that drives them through the story, or maybe a clear antagonist that the main characters have strong motivations to go up against. While an outside agent interacting with whatever plot you've got setting up is cool, their lack of investment will cause a lack of investment in the audience. 

Final thing on your writing- there are a lot of grammar errors and improper uses of words, and it makes figuring out what's going on even more difficult since your story seems to be dialogue heavy. I personally don't have any resources just for checking grammar, but having someone else beta-read through your script before you commit it to the page helps a lot with avoiding grammar mistakes! There are plenty of places where you can find people that will give you more direct feedback, but the place I personally recommend is this Discord server, called the Roleplayer's Workshop! It's a place full of people much more experienced than me when it comes to writing, and they'd be able to give you detailed and specific advice on your writing to improve your comic! And even if you don't have the courage to share your work directly, they have dozens of fantastic resources to help for all sorts of things! The link's right here: discord.gg/ntMPjMJ

Finally, I just want to note a couple of things on visuals. Your panel layouts, while clear, are a bit bland, and don't give much variation or emphasize needed panels more. Your character's posings could also be much more dynamic, and these two things alone are probably things I can write entire essays about full of resources to improve. However, to save you and I some time, I've got a pinterest board chock full of ideas for interesting page layouts, comic tips, posing references, etc. I hope it can be of use to you, and anyone else that might need it!  www.pinterest.com/fizzylemonad…

If you're still reading this, thank you for making it all the way to the end! While your writing skills are a bit weak at the moment, the premise you set up is pretty interesting, and i'd love to see your improvement in the future if you continue to post to Project Comment! 

I hope you have a wonderful day!
   

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JustALittleAmerican [2019-06-07 03:16:53 +0000 UTC]

Not a bad comic.
poses could use some work.

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HeardDdragon [2019-06-05 02:42:57 +0000 UTC]

cool.

I over all enjoy the character design 

with the exception of leady, and imelly

they seem out of place.

like they are dolls or something.

if I may suggest. I would do some more cell shading 

for feith under his clavicle and because he seems built a but under his pecs as well, as well as a bit more in his hair.

just spend a bit more time on shadows and lighting but you don't have to over do it.

I am adoring the characters personalities so far as it is evident what kind of characters they are really quickly.

the backgrounds are nice and detailed but the same thing applies for them a tad bit more shading would do them some good.

bring things into the illusion of 3-d better and make things less flat.

on the subject of flat.

posing is a bit stiff.

there are a multitude of anatomical errors.

especially in the bicep region.often looks slightly too short.

the story has peaked my interest.

I hope you have found my, umm advice ? no nitpicking useful.

thank you for creating this comic.

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