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Moominaba — Walking
Published: 2006-05-08 07:28:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 70; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Description Walking night and walking day
Walking through the days of May
Walking, walking, walking forward
Always, always walking onwards
Walking over crumpled leaves
Wondering if my legs might give
Walking always, never talking
To this day I still am walking
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Moominaba - Dissonance
Comments: 4

TowerU [2006-05-08 13:17:52 +0000 UTC]

Nearly perfect. Just:
Wondering if my legs might give
The give is the problem. It becomes geave, your flow forces a rhyme and well, that doesn't really work.

But that beautiful flow, rhythm, perfect meter... Keep it going.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Moominaba In reply to TowerU [2006-05-08 18:49:34 +0000 UTC]

Thanks
I think I might put this in scraps so I could work on it some more...
When you say geave do you mean that is the corrects spelling of the word?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

TowerU In reply to Moominaba [2006-05-08 22:35:22 +0000 UTC]

No, what I mean is, when you read it aloud, at least when I do, instead of give, a short vowel, I read geave (or geeve), a long vowel, because the flow you've given the poem just asks that full rhyme with leaf. (The 's' sound isn't necessary in the rhyme though). You see what I mean? Maybe it's just me though...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Moominaba In reply to TowerU [2006-05-10 18:47:01 +0000 UTC]

I see what you mean.
I'll need to think abou that.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0