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PennedinWhite —
Deliverance
#abuse #death #life #rebirth
Published: 2018-11-30 19:02:06 +0000 UTC; Views: 289677; Favourites: 103; Downloads: 0
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Description
Existing at the mouth of obscurity;disoriented and misplaced by your
fickle exploitation as prevailing gales
usher my liberation and acknowledge me
as a woman redeemed from ashes.
I battled for every inch gained beyond
your insolence; no longer a forgiving hostage
of perpetual manipulation. Renewing a life
in the midst of immoral confinement, to save
a mind now flawed as it counters your hysteria.
At last, you have departed my punished
subconsciousness, leaving behind a marred
courage, eternally revived. The domination
that annihilated my faith has ignited a
persistence unrivaled by your miserable life.
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There is a LOT to unpack here, and I really like it.
I adore how strong and powerful your wording is, as well as the fact that the deliverance is all internal: IE the subject battled here and has been delivered by their own power. Very encouraging to see work like this, gives you a real "go GET 'em" sort of feeling (I'm not sure how to put that more eloquently e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l… " width="15" height="15" alt="
I really love your line: "disoriented and misplaced by your exploitation," which I feel sums up a LOT of what's going on in media and social issues (I'm assuming this is a study in gender inequality in modern society, I apologize if I am wrong) and strikes a real chord with me.
"to save a mind now flawed as it faces your hysteria" is also just an AMAZING line, and I actually took a involuntary breath when reading it. Very nicely done, just perfect!
I have no real critiques of this piece to mention, perhaps it's a little too eloquent, perhaps? You have some amazing vocabulary here, but it looks a bit crowded as you've packed a TON side by side.
Very nice work, I can't say enough about how much I enjoy this.
I wish "Impact" had a 6 stars option.
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Hi jonwassing !
Thanks for stopping by
I am glad you enjoyed it, as I never know how my poetry will be received. It is not an area I have a lot of confidence in, so when people have such responses - it is a bit of a shock, but in a good way.
As far as your one criticism: Is there anything you would suggest in how to break it up? Would reformatting do it, or would word changes be necessary?
I can see how the vocabulary would feel like a punch in the face, and that is almost what I was going for in this. But, if it is too much, I want to figure out a way to fix it.
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Honestly, I'm not entirely sure. Maybe a reformat would break up the sections, but I feel like just a couple of the words in the last paragraph could be changed or removed to give it less of a crowded feel and that would be enough. Anything more would lose the gut-punch this piece has for me.
Again, I loved your piece so much, but I wanted to do a proper critique by adding something I thought could be improved.
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Fair enough. I will take a look at it. The hard part is I picked each
word for a reason, and it sounds so different if they are switched out
or removed. Maybe I could reformat it a bit. We shall see.
Thanks for your thoughts!
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The impact of this is incredible, especially the last stanza.
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I like the way the venom in the tone of this makes it feel like a very personal poem.
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Alright, there's two ways to look at this. One of these is a deeply personal one, where the emotional experience of the narrator - you - is central, and comes across very clearly. There's a lot of rage here, but it's not mindless, and it's been used to fuel self determination. This is definitely a piece where readers should, and are going to, cheer on the narrator. (Also, points for trying poetry. It scares me.)
Now, the "tear it up" side: how easily can a reader put themselves in exactly your shoes based on the words in this poem and experience these feelings directly instead of empathizing?
To be honest, I had a lot of trouble finding footing in the imagery here. Why's the obscurity amaranthine, where did the ashes come from when we've had no mention of fire - heavy use of adjectives here, and it jumps from one image to the next without building too many clear pictures (I liked the prevailing gales, and I think that would be a good one to expand - perhaps the gales are your own determination?). Luckily, someone's said it all better than I could: Specific Imagery: What Makes a Poem Good?
In short, I think the emotions are absolutely there, it's more so the reader experience - rather than empathy - of those emotions that could use clarity.
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A little slow, but I am sure that is nothing new
I am working on cleaning this up a bit, in hopes that I don't lose too
much of what I am trying to express. My poetry skills are so rusty.
Thanks, hun, for the feedback. Taking it to heart.
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It sure seems to say what you wish it to say, Shara.
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Thank you, Pip.
I look at it every couple of days,
to see if something jumps out as obnoxiously
wrong, but so far only little fixes.
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