Comments: 4
EarMarkd [2012-04-27 02:40:04 +0000 UTC]
I don't think you have to scrap or rewrite that part, personally. It *does* need a little more added about their relationship up to this point, to make it more believable, though. Set it up a little better before you drop the sleeping together bomb.
You have great pacing with the first half, but it starts to feel a little rushed when Ajay enters. Maybe try to space out his backstory a little more?
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Ratros [2012-04-25 04:12:34 +0000 UTC]
Love the characters, except for the parents. They're a bit unrealistic. I know no parent that would say, "Oh, hello young virial man who slept in the same bed as my daughter, would you like breakfeast?" It just doesn't happen!
There should be freaking out, and possibly half dead bodies being hung upside down from the second story window while the father says "I'm Batman" or something. Anyways other than that, it's really good, and I do like the characters, can't wait to read more.
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TheSpokesman In reply to Ratros [2012-05-09 18:35:48 +0000 UTC]
Well, hopefully when you see the full version their reaction will seem more natural to you. Glad you like the characters so far!
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