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WordOfChen β Sorry I'm A Man
Published: 2012-10-02 14:51:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 78506; Favourites: 1175; Downloads: 91
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Description
Sorry I'm A Man:He stands there naked
A blank-faced label
No features
No face
He is not an individual
He is exactly what you make him to be
The product of your misguided hate
The product of your personal prejudice
Caught blind and shackled
Voice stripped and throat cut
On knees and hands
He crawls beneath a slanderous hail
"Let they who are without sin, be the first to cast a stone"
Then you must all be innocent, unblackened and pure
Instead what I see
Is not angel wings and a white halo
Instead what I see
Is your silent profanity
Twisted obscene mask of humanity
Beneath the righteous sword of a figure of justice
Lies a rotting core of devil's teeth and black smoke
Blasphemous abberation
Crooked mirror of lies
"Guilty until proven innocent"
Is what I see in your eyes
He is not an individual
He is exactly what you make him to be
He is the monster, the abuser, the criminal and the pig
He is the violent, the drunk, the pervert and the enemy
Care not for the fact that he is a person
For at his core he cannot be human
All are like him, carbon-copies
And in the end they are all the same
Thus we decree that they shall stand naked
With blank-faced labels
No features
No face
Forever condemned to bear a shameful title
We of the cowardly creed shall dub thee
'Man!'
-Chen Yuan Wen, 2nd October 2012
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Comments: 969
What I love about this poem is that you're addressing an issue that needs to be brought up ever now and then to remind certain groups on the internet that they aren't just screaming at a wall, they're slandering people who haven't called for it. It's something that they tend to forget when there is nobody expressing their voice.
However, you can see your stars are somewhat suffering, and that's because I'm here to critique your poem, and not your argument.
First of all, I'll get originality out of the way. The reason it's like that is, of course, because the topic that you've brought up isn't exactly new. It's just not discussed enough and certainly not in the form of poetry, so I'll give you some for that.
The impact of the poem suffered because your execution isn't up to scratch. As a result, the point that you're trying to make is unclear and considering that the purpose of this poem is to communicate an opinion, this is extremely important. When I started reading, my first thought was that it was about the male body image in modern society, how it robs men of their individuality and voice and how media's hate of anything but the ideal was due to its own ugliness, not that of individuals.
Of course, there are similar themes. But the fact is that was not exactly what you are trying to say. And it wasn't mostly due to what you were saying - it was largely to do with how you ordered it.
If I were to take each stanza and number them from one to eight, then re-order them based on the idea they express to get the best results, I would put it roughly like this:
1 6 3 4 5 7 2 8
It's not that different and you couldn't have it like that word for word, but can you see how the main point is established thoroughly early in the beginning, and the rest of the ideas come together after it nicely? The completeness of your vision beforehand affects this, and that's why I didn't give you more stars for that.
For techniques, I thought it was good. You managed to avoid cringe-worthy clichΓ©s pretty well and the inclusion of quotes/sayings is effective. Repetition is also quite good. There's always room for improvement and the use of punctuation could have given it more dynamics but all in all, I was satisfied in this area.
To conclude, I think it's quite a good poem. The topic and techniques were good, but the composition needed a little more work. I hope that I wasn't too harsh and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work in the future!
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Thanks for taking the time to critique, however I already have too many critiques posted on my page 
With regards to your wording format choice. Please try re-reading your suggested format, to me, it doesn't gel and bring across the raw emotion. My structure is selected based on the emotions delivered
Hopefully this helps you understand my work better
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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No problem. The critique is for your consideration and benefit anyway, so if you find that it wasn't helpful, it's not something that I particularly care for (but not in a rude way, I'm just saying the critique was for you, not for me). The most important part of the format I suggested was establishing the subject at the beginning but again, it's your work.
Nevertheless, thank you for reading my critique.
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haha that's fine, I understand where you're coming from, but based on my experience sometimes establishing the subject matter early leads to a more boring piece because it seems too structured, too clean and so it loses the realistic venting aspect of it which is the main focus of slam poetry
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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After reading this, I was lost for words. In shock.
It was rare for this to happen and the last time it happened, I was listening to "Pathetique" by Tchaikovsky.
The other time was reading "The Raven."
I can't place a finger upon it, but I felt a great sense of loss at the end. A part of me died. Sorrow gripped me as the I read it, and it multiplied as I read on. Another powerful poem. People have said that a picture is worth a thousand words but this poem had painted a lot of pictures more than I can count.
An outstanding command of moods and the ability to blend them. Really original. I applaud you for creating yet another masterpiece.
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...I know how I said that I wouldn't beable to do a critque...well here it is.
It touched me. It made me realize just how cruel this horrible, horrible world can be and makes me look deep within myself and g over all that I have done to others.
"Let they who are without sin, be the first to cast the stone," rally caught my attention. It made me look even deeper, into the pit of my very soul, and wonder if I was as pure and as innocent as I liked to think.
"Guilty until proven innocent," gave me a vicious slap in the face. How true those words rang in the air or on the paper. Those words made me think about all that I have done wrong and I found myself nearly in tears.
This ais a truly tuching poem. I will give this poem a five star even though I believe it deserves so many more. I hope to see many more like this one...maybe not as dark tough. e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s⦠" width="15" height="15" alt="
Thank you for such an eye opener. You are a splended poet.
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I see you found what I critiqued xD
Yours is still wonderful nonetheless
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^^ What I posted was true though...besides I'm +watching you....>:3) I'm watching you....lol
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Well I'm very glad that you are one of my watchers. It adds to the few I have. I haven't been putting much up recently due to a fear eating away at me, and I'm going to see a doctor about it on the 15th...
I hope I'll get at least one thing up before then though
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It might just be more poetry xD
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Thank you for your critique. I might be doing one soon that might be a little darker though and its from the woman's perspective.
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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...well I'll read...count on it!
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I know you won't post this on your deviations page, I feel I need to say this:
As a white person, I can understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I feel as though people are quick to judge because of my ancestry's history of lording over other races, especially here in America.
However, the occasional discomfort I face is rather insignificant compared to the plight of the people who were oppressed by my race, and continue to be oppressed.
For a long time, women have had it hard. They still do. They get paid less and are shamed for behaviors considered "normal" for a man (slut-shamming).
And really, even though this has gone on since time immemorial, most women do not judge men because they are men. Those that do are in a distinct minority. It is a non-issue.
And in all truth, men do commit more murders, robberies, and rapes than women. It's just a fact, and one I have seen evidence of in real life. It doesn't mean all men are bad in the eyes of the female gender as a whole, but it does persuade them to be weary.
And really, I'm honestly a little offended you would victimize your gender like this, because it simply isn't the truth.
Anyway, I can only hope you'll actually read this, and perhaps take some of what I've said objectively. I almost wrote something rude in the comments box, but I decided this was the better route. Thank you if you took the time to hear me out.
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As a female it is natural you will feel this way. This part: "men do commit more murders, robberies, and rapes than women"
Shows that you already bear a prejudiced ideal. I urge you to open up your mind and see things for what they really are
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Actually, it is true. Here is an example:
[link]
Not only is it true statistically, but it's true in real life. Both my female friends and I have been hit on and harassed by men, but never a single woman (it should be noted I live in a very liberal place, and the LGBT population here is large and well-accepted, so I meet lesbians on a regular basis).
That isn't to say it doesn't happen, but it's just less likely. It's not that women are better people, they're just built differently psychologically-speaking. They deal with anger differently and have a very different concept of sexuality.
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Sorry, but where I live things are different.
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Wow, that got a much higher overall rating than I intended.
Look at how goddamn nice I am.
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I'm pretty sure the exact same poem could be written about a womanβsubstitute the gender wordsβand it'd get just as many notes or whatever. It's all about the argument's presentation. A basic appeal to human compassion. If you'd specified this poem better (I realize it's hard to do without introducing stereotype) so that it didn't automatically cast the readers into making a sympathy vote towards the subject, it might be more effective as a poem overall.
While I'd like to applaud your efforts, this kind of argument is exactly why feminism hasn't been going anywhere. Because people just argue. And don't stop arguing. About gender as relates to politics, sex, opinions, daily life, everything. And nothing gets done. Sure, men are people. Sure, women are people. If that ever had been fully realized in people's minds, maybe there'd be no need for sexism, anti-sexism, feminism, whatever else....? It'd be nice. But I don't know about that as a solution in the slightest.
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In response to your statement. I would like to say that, while people don't stop arguing the effects of such works are still felt within society
As a result of feminism, there is the attitude that it is okay to demonize men, but once you portray a woman negatively in one of your works...all of a sudden everyone is up in arms.
It's the same thing as being white and saying 'I'm proud to be white', a statement which nobody would bother about if you were asian, black or any other race, but if you're white then suddenly its a racist statement. (just to note, I'm asian)
The fact of the matter is that right now women can say whatever about men, but if men say it back its 'sexist' or 'sexual harassment'. That is why I hope NOT for a solution, but simply to equalize the playing field. There are no winners in this game, I'm just playing to live.
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Really, I'm not as bothered with the actual statement you're making as I am with the operandus. The language itself. These days, you're going to be hard pressed to find people going around making statements that weighty (or implied) sociopolitically without a stronger case for it. I just want the "man" described to be something other than a cookie-cutter outline*. That's all.
*(unless the lack of specificity, and general ambiguity, about the man was an idea central to the poem, which would also probably strengthen it)
I'm not trying to argue. Seriously. I just...kind of want to see something new and different with these sorts of poems, in the way they're written.
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Theeen you might have to attempt it yourself xD
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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It'd probably result in a black hole or something from all the impossibility...
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Naaah I don't think it would, you never know. Maybe if you did, it'd be something even more beautiful.
However, if you do get a black hole...call me maybe? I need to harvest some dark matter and shiz :3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Over time, a common misconception has been born that "sexist" only applies to men. Despite the fact we, as a species, apply the term to men most often, the reality is probably that woman are the most sexist. We don't see it as being sexist because the tone is so accepted nowadays that it's become a cultural norm.
This is my own interpretation. I apologize if it offends.
The title captured my attention immediately. It grabbed me for the regretful undertone and the...shame? The stanzas tell a story of a blank canvas, one that is unallowed to adorn itself and unallowed to change it's color. As the poem continues, it unfolds that the reader is the cause of this blank canvas, which invokes a sense of shame and anger. When I came to "Let they who are without sin, be the first to cast a stone", it made me rethink all of my past. It made me think of all the times I might have done something similar to this. It was not a good feeling. Which in itself, was good. The poem makes you think. It forces you to look into yourself. It also doesn't allow you the comfort of justifying your actions. "Guilty until proven innocent" really struck me in the face, as it reinforced the same thing I'd done in the past. The paraphrase of the first paragraph (can't think of the correct term) really emphasized how we put MAN into a box and anything outside of that box is weird, different, wrong, etc.
I give this poem 5 stars! Not only because it made you think but it made you RE-think the choices or actions you've taken. Five stars for the fact it took away the comfort of justifying your actions or writing them off.
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Thank you for taking the time to enjoy my work and to think about it in depth ^^ I appreciate your readership.
My reasons for writing it are in the author's comment, but to the extent that I've seen works done by women, I feel that this will at least even out the gender disparity when it comes to how much men are demonized despite having done nothing
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Sadly, I've never thought of the unequality going both ways. I'm more than glad of your poem, not only was it beautiful but there's a moral to it, as well. I'm glad my review was acceptable. 
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Nah, I don't get offended at stuff xD At most...I deny if its useless or not objective criticism, but otherwise I'm chill xD
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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The first thing about this poem that caught my eye was the opening. I'm not even sure I saw the title, but those first few lines shocked me in a way. You address the topic of the poem quite clearly and concisely by the twelfth line, as it can be seen that you are addressing the prejudicial judgement that is commonly passed on men. The imagery that you use is blunt, but it really allows me to get a good view of what you're describing in my mind! The two quotes around the middle of the poem were well placed, and add a feel of retrospect and dark irony. The closing lines summed up the poem very well, flashing back to the beginning of the poem and efficiently describing the faulty perspective.
Upon finishing this poem, the first thing I thought was that it seems to be an exact reversal on many of Taslima Nasrin's poems, such as "The Game In Reverse". I think that while it is important to have the wrongdoings of people made known and punished, it is always to negative effect to allow these wrongdoings to affect the image of a group of people as a whole.
Well done!
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You nearly bring me to a loss of words. I chose to write in critique because for this being a normal response would make my message very irksome to read. Plus I really want to you read how you impacted specifically me with this.
When I was rummaging through my DeivantWatch messages, hoping that my poem would appear in SongsNPoems, I noticed a different poem again, I would have passed it up entirely, and moved on, but something caught my eye about it: The title. I read it, and noticed that this was something I was definitely going to want to read, even if short. I removed the rest of my messages, leaving this one in tow with me, and decided to click it to read the full thing, since it's title alone had caught my attention and kept it.
As I read, I felt my self begin to cry internally. I wished I could have externally as well, to the point where it started driving me to the point of madness from the unending sting in my eyes. Even as I write this now, my eyes continue to burn with the wish to cry. I would, but I had forgotten how to a long time ago because of this cruel, concrete world.
I really wish that I had the ability that you have, where you can touch one's feelings so easily, just by a poem. How you can make one wish to cry from words. I cannot agree more about the entire poem. This easily made my favorites, and as I rate the Deviation, I could only wish that I could put six stars for Impact instead of only five.
You did fantastic on this poem. Absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much for sharing it with us here on e.deviantart.net/emoticons/d/d⦠" width="32" height="17" alt="
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Jesus you are melodramatic.
"As I read, I felt my self begin to cry internally. I wished I could have externally as well, to the point where it started driving me to the point of madness from the unending sting in my eyes. Even as I write this now, my eyes continue to burn with the wish to cry. I would, but I had forgotten how to a long time ago because of this cruel, concrete world."
Christ.
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If you don't like it, then don't read it. Simple as that. You have no need to bug others about their critiques. Now find something better to do with your life other than trying to upset others. And, if you want to go into girly shit, then I can start mentioning how your avatar is Scootaloo.
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"into girly shit."
wut
I never called you girly. And also. Scootaloo is awesome. I don't see what sexism has to do with that.
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*rolls eyes*
I'm done with you.
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Thank you very much for enjoying it. What I wanted to convey with this particular piece is the discrimination that 'men' suffer sometimes especially in art that deals with abuse and other domestic issues. While I don't seek to downplay the suffering of the victims, the art itself tends to slap a label onto all men and recently one of these poems made it to the front page which is what really got me into the vibe of doing this particular slam poem (which is not my usual style if you've seen other works of mine)
Again, it was an honour to receive your critique
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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I honestly felt that I had to write in critique, for when I was done writing I ended up with 300 words exact including the
One thing I forgot to mention in the critique was the feeling of thick emotion within it. I could sense the sadness and anger for such discrimination within the poem as I read. It's what made me wish to externally cry; that I felt such powerful emotion in it, and that I felt the same for what you were viewing in your poem. My personal style of making pictures/poems is that it comes from the base of my emotion, and often times come off as abstract. My poem, "The Light", is a great example of this. This is the same poem I mentioned in the critique.
I guess it's visible why I wrote a critique now
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Haha, thank you for the honourable compliment. To be perfectly honest, this 'skill level' is attained solely with practice. It is something anyone can attain if they are willing to train themselves hard enough.
I agree about the current view of relationships. If the majority speaks out it is oppression of the minority but a very vocal minority seems to be crushing the majority these days and while I normally ignore it, I was pushed way too far this time.
As for the feeling of emotion, it can be recreated with practice. My background in drama and theatre allows me to portray a character while I'm writing, so I adopt that persona and write based on the real emotions felt during the scenario or act. I believe that this is where the potency of a real poem stems from. Not from the clever words or the complexity of the language used, but the ability to accurately portray the emotions of the character. Of course many of the 'literature elite' will disagree with my methodology, however I prefer to let the statistics speak for themselves. Furthermore, I pride myself more on the entertainment aspect of poetry so what I write is never always serious, instead it demonstrates a wide-range of genres that can be mixed into a show with different segments portraying different parts during the work week. One piece might be about a struggle with drugs and the next one a failing relationship, then maybe an interlude of fantasy or horror. Kind of like that ^^
Anyway, again I appreciate you enjoying this piece. Production time exceeded the normal range by about 2 hours (normal range is 1 - 3 hours including reading, previews and testing) and this one took about 5 to get it right so I'm happy it was well received ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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It's good to hear that you're able to portray such things for the entertainment and fun of it. That is actually something I am currently incapable of doing. Every single picture or poem I've made and posted here on
And, surprisingly enough, I know of the feel of theater. I may be 16, but I have been in one or two plays when I was younger, along with numerous kinds of role plays over forums. It's funny, actually, how my best role play and also my favorite, which is called Pony Coincidences, which I've been making with my boyfriend since before him and I started dating, and it's still going. What's funny about it is that I'm not only one character; I'm half of the characters. He is the other half of them. Everyone that looks at it can join in, there's no restrictions, but they just read it. A few even posted in other topics about how they read it like it's a book in production, due to how we use words, and how everything progresses. I've been told that it seems the only character that represents me truly would be Princess Jadeite, and all the other characters I use seem to have lives of their own, for they seem next to nothing like me. It's always a great compliment to see how the way I write in the role plays can seem so realistic to where others question if it was actually me who wrote all the parts. It's always heartwarming. ^^
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Well practice makes perfect and if you keep training yourself there is nothing that is beyond reach. I didn't start out being able to separate the art and my own personal experience but the more I wrote and the more hours of effort I put into it,I realised it becomes easier to separate that out. So keep at it for sure ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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Thank you. I will definitely keep that in mind. it'll really help ^^
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I love this. I've never seen someone who was able to so beautifully articulate what's wrong with the aggressive, hateful version of "equality" so many people seem to strive for these days. When I try to point out people's hatred towards men, all they respond with is "male tears." People take me even less seriously when I'm talking about men than they do when I'm talking about women.Β
Also, I love your title. "Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates." That's cool.Β
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I just wanted to share with you and others that view your deviation that it's being featured here!
First Literature Feature!Β
Β Β Β
I never do literature features as I don't know much about literature/poetry/etc so here
are some that I found through *PurpleInk777 and some just searching through DA
Hope you enjoy them!
Take Care!
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Thank you kindly friend ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
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down with the patriarchy up with fedoras stop oppressing me i am a human being
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Very well said. We men are not all jerks and morons. In fact, most of us are nothing like that.
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Dude, I got to give you credit if you'll memorize your girlfriends favorite song. The poem addresses the issue of prejudice against men and really makes you think. I also liked the description piece. Hearing about this sort of prejudice really brings me back from believing that men don't have to face any social scorn.
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