tkdflower-2 [2004-06-26 02:40:19 +0000 UTC]

((Kelsey liked it, La. ^-^))

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RedFadeToBlack [2004-06-26 02:38:47 +0000 UTC]

Spacedout110: cos I read that cutting deviation by your one friend, and liked it lots, but didn't fave it cos that would frighten her, so i looked at your friends'ssssa deviant things, then at the sutherland yearbook
Spacedout110: it was exciting
tkdlcb: ahh
tkdlcb: did you leave her a comment?
tkdlcb: we all like commentes
tkdlcb: *nodseseses*
Spacedout110: no...should I have? or would she be like "who is reading my intimate secret cutting thing?"
tkdlcb: haha
tkdlcb: well it was a deviation... there for anyone
tkdlcb: if you like it, then yes, just, you know, identify yourself
tkdlcb: ^-^
tkdlcb: me and Lisha also left our little stories
Spacedout110: ok, I shall do so. Just promise she won't hurtify me
tkdlcb: if you read
tkdlcb: nahh
Spacedout110: i did read
tkdlcb: she's not the sort to hurtify peoples

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tkdflower [2004-06-23 01:00:00 +0000 UTC]

Hey, would you mind if I 'ed this? I keep going back and looking at it, and reading it over and over... But I don't want to with asking first.

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tkdflower [2004-06-22 22:24:13 +0000 UTC]

...It hurt. Really hurt. Serenity, forcing me to choose between him and Iris? Iris was my life-long love, or so I had thought. How could I possibly abandon him? But then, everyone had been saying that he didn't really love me, that I was scaring him away with my talk of staying together forever. Sure, Serenity was fun to hang out with, but to leave Iris for him? How could I? Before, the matter hadn't been pressing, but now, Serenity was asking me to choose. I couldn't choose, just couldn't. There was no one I could talk to about, he'd asked me to keep it secret. Not even my own damn mother was around. There was nothing else to do.

I walked into my bathroom, shutting the door. Dad was downstairs; I was safe, safe from prying eyes. I picked up my razor that was lying on the counter. There was nothing else to do. The blade sparkled in the light; the water that was running from the tap made little reflections on the mirror. I picked up the blade, delving into my left index finger. After each cut, I would squeeze it, so as to draw the blood out. Then, I'd rinse the razor, pick a new spot, and cut it again.

This went on for over a month. He was forcing me to choose, dammit, and I couldn't stand it. I'd keep my hands in my pockets; if no one could see it, they'd never know. I had safety pins and a needle in my room, and I'd use those if my mom was around. She never knocks before coming into my bathroom, so I quit using the razor for the times she was there. During that month, though, she had family business in Ohio, so I was safe for part of the time to do whatever I pleased. One night, though, I went too far. Way too far.

Serenity was pissing me off, as was the little mermaid. I wanted to kill something. I mean, really, kill something. There was an empty Dr. Pepper can lying on the floor. I picked it up, squashing it to bits. Ripping it up, the first cut was an accident. The shards of metal were sharp, and my palms were sweaty. My hand slipped, giving me a deep cut on my finger. I looked curiously at the metal, then realized that I could cut myself to bits and get away with it; my hand had slipped. I made many, many cuts that night, all over my hands. Two of them wouldn't stop bleeding. They got so bad that I had to use a band-aid. Unfortunately, I couldn't find one, so I used duct tape instead. I remember joking with Aven about that over AIM. She gave the same speech I'd heard over and over again, 'cutting is stupid and wrong' yada yada.

I haven't cut since then. I'm not saying that I won't do it again, I'm just saying that I haven't had occasion where emotion pushed me so far that I couldn't handle it by just punching something at martial arts, or by getting out of the house for awhile, or by writing. I still have the scars from the two cuts that night with the Dr. Pepper can, though, and that happened awhile back. But hey, at least I'm not as bad as Serenity, right?

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TheZeez [2004-06-22 21:57:29 +0000 UTC]

It was a bit confusing in spots, but I like the idea. If this is true, I'm sorry that you felt the need to try to cut yourself. Just to know how it feels. You shouldn't resort to this out of bordom, out of angst, out of hate, out of spite. Its not a healthy thing, I know from experience. I've tried to give it up numerous times, but I'm a cutter for life now. And no matter what I do, that want to cut is there, so please.. don't cut. Don't do it so much that you're addicted to the feeling, to the high.. just stop while you're ahead.. okay.. I'm done preaching now, heh.. okay?

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vixenku [2004-06-22 20:47:52 +0000 UTC]

-- The Understanding.

Fantastic. I'm glad I was able to read this.

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vixenku [2004-06-22 20:46:10 +0000 UTC]

Night fell upon my bedroom, and I remember... Everything. I sit there, thinking to myself with my cinnamon altoids box in my hand. It's long empty of the candy, and instead, fillwed with my safety pins, along with a couple earrings, a few beads, and a tiny little ring. It's dark, except for the nightlight behind me, which I had turned on. It was on for a purpose.
Mr. Satan is a bastard.
He hates you.
You'll fail math.
There's nothing you can do.
Your parents will murder you.
You're so dead.
Everything's falling, you're failing, you're useless.
Serenity.... Is strange.
Tauny... Is worried.
You're screwed.
You screwed up everyone's lives.
Always.
You suck.
Do you really want to do this?
Hell yeah!
Why?
So I can have a real opinion.
Do you still want to do this? Worry everyone?
...
My self contradictory is over. The bronze box flips open, and I pull out a safety pin. I crawl over to the nightlight, shedding brightness upon my work space. My work space. The safety pin is unhooked, and I trace the line I made in math with the frantic clawing of my long fingernails. I remember how she tried to stop me. Why did I continue? I will never know. My lips twitch, it stings a bit. I pull away the needle and look at what I have drawn. It barely fazes the skin, it tears, but that's only the first layer of skin. I scoot down to the next pinkish line, and do it again, only harder. This one rips more skin, but it's not quite as deep.

I try again, and this one goes down and neatly splits my skin in two. I feel no emmotion. No... I feel guilty. A hell of a heap guilty. How could I do this to everyone? How? But next thing I know, I'm trying out if I really can cut . Make deeper cuts, ones that actually bleed, not these little cuts I'm making. They hurt, oh hell they hurt, but they don't bleed. Not yet. So I try, I get halfway through, and I decide... no. I won't do it. I know what it feels like, and it's stupid. I know, I know, and I won't do it again. Ever. Ever ever ever. I put everything away and switch off the light.

I lay in bed, and the burning feeling in my inner arm is gone, but instead, it's replaced by a cool, refreshing sort of feel. I like it. I'm tempted to do it again... But I remember my promise to myself, and my unspoken promise to my friends. I won't do it. Instead, I think about the promise I will present to Tauny. The one I will make her agree to. The one that will make her promise not to hurt herself too. She's the one I care about most, the one I worry most about this happening to. Kitty? Kitty's afraid of sharp and pointy objects. No worry for Kitty.

Hey Tauny.
Yeah?
Promise me something.
Okay.
That you will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever {this goes on from the cafeteria all the way to the furthestmost health room} cut yourself. It's stupid, it's pointless there's no relief, it hurts, it makes people worry, it's bad, you feel guilty {the list continues until we get to the pink lab, I actually repeat myself sometimes. But I'm trying to make a point.}... So promise?
Sure.

Sure. I smile. Even though I know this will not stop her, like me... She will probably want to know how it feels as well. All that keeps me smiling a little on the inside is the thought that I have our secret, unspoken, barely known, even to ourselves promise that she won't do it again afterwards. And neither will I.

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