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DorianP — A Raven's Victory- Part 2 rev.
Published: 2006-10-20 12:43:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 88; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description A raven’s victory - #2

The sturdy wooden door was thrust open, and with a loud bang it hit the dark, damp wall of the prison. Some mean-looking guards appeared and threw another man in, who landed flat on his face in the rotting straw that covered the entire floor.
As he got up with some effort, the other prisoners looked at him suspiciously. One of them, a thin, bald man, approached the newcomer.
“Well, what have we here. I have never seen you before, mate. You look like a tough guy, though, and you must support the rebellion, or else they wouldn’t have locked you up here in the first place. What is your name?”
The man eyed him for a moment, then looked around, like a predator in a new environment. He wore black gloves, a ragged cloak, also black, and underneath it dark clothes. At night he would go completely unnoticed. He was tall and had the face of someone who has spent his entire life in the wilderness. His face bore the marks of the royal guard’s anger.
“I don’t have a name. Call me whatever you want, I’m dead anyway.”
The bald man laughed, a short, snorting sound, unpleasant to the ear.
“We’ll just call you Tough Guy then. Why do you consider yourself dead? You’re definitely still alive, unless my senses deceive me.” He laughed again, apparently finding himself quite witty. Some of the other prisoners also laughed, but not very heartily.
“Did it occur to you that this is a death-cell? We’ll all be dead by tomorrow morning.”
The bald man stopped laughing, and suddenly looked a lot more dangerous.
“Who are you, Tough Guy, to say such things to me? Who are you that you don’t know we’ll all soon be free? You must’ve done something quite terrible to end up here.”
The stranger just looked at him coldly.
“Wait a minute…” The bald man noticed the tiny iron flask around the neck of the newcomer.
“The guards told me someone killed general Somendus during that big fire. With a poisoned arrow. You are clothed like an assassin, and that thing ‘round your neck does not hold perfume, methinks. So the Prince sent an assassin without me knowing it…” He looked very bemused. “Anyway, we’ll be out of here in the blink of an eye, everything is set. That poser king will get a very nasty surprise soon.” He laughed for a moment, and then extended his hand. “My name is Kuron, and I am one of the Bastard Prince’s lieutenants. Soon the land will be ours, and you have chosen the right side, whoever you really are. You are an enemy of my enemy, and that makes you a friend.”
After hesitating for a moment, the man in black took off his right glove, and the two shook hands.
“I’ll introduce you to the others. We are all officers in the army of the Prince, which is exactly why we landed up here.” He pointed successively at every man in the room: “Pertor, Welvan, Ioran, Haralon, Lutob and Cind.”
They all nodded at him.
“How did you people get captured, Kuron?”
“Nah, we lost an important battle, and we didn’t get away in time. The royal pigs overtook us, and here we are, waiting for the Prince to arrive.”
“What battle was that?”
“Heh, you aren’t really up to date in the war, are you? There has only been one major battle in the last few months. It was on a large plain in Kettingale Forest, near a little town called Lujar. The villagers were all killed, unfortunately, just like most of our lads. Why do you look at me that way? Look, Tough Guy, we tried to use the houses as some kind of cover. You would have done the same. Really, we told the villagers to lock themselves up in their town hall, to stay safe, and so they did. The only problem was that the royal bastards had brought catapults, we didn’t know that. The first projectile crashed directly into the town hall. Man, the explosion was gigantic. They had used some kind of oil, that burned like hell. No-one made it out of there of course, poor fellows.” He misunderstood the look of utter disgust on the stranger’s face. “Creepy, uh?”
The assassin turned around.
“I’m going to get some sleep. Haven’t had much lately.”
“Wait a minute mate, you didn’t tell us why you have joined the rebellion, and how you were captured… what, you haven’t told us anything! Do you even know you work for the rebellion?”
“If it is true that we will be freed, you will get to know more about me than you ever imagined. It is late, and I will sleep now.”
The stranger tried to make himself comfortable on the straw in one of the dungeon’s corners, failing miserably. After a while he apparently decided it was useless, and he lay still, eyes open, listening to the soft talking of the others. After many hours of staring at the depressingly grey ceiling sleep finally came, but it was hardly a relief from the hard floor.

Inside a familiar wooden building. A fire in the middle. A young woman’s face, looking worried. Suddenly, a loud crashing sound. Terrible flames everywhere. Children crying, people screaming in agony, an unearthly sound. Inferno…
No, this is to be forgotten…
A lone man, dressed in black, a bow across his shoulders, climbing wooden stairs. Beneath him, a fire is spreading rapidly. Faint whispers can be heard from below. He arrives on the roof. The manor-house is just across the street. The man takes the one arrow he has taken with him, opens a small flask, drops a little bit of its content on the cold iron, and spreads the drop neatly over the metal with his gloves. He waits. Then, as a surprised face appears on one of the manor’s large balcony’s, watching the growing fire, the archer moves with an experienced hunter’s astonishing speed, aiming and then firing at the man. The arrow hits him in the shoulder, painful but normally not mortal. With a startled cry the man stumbles inside. The lone hooded man shoulders his bow, takes a long run and jumps lightly to the nearest roof, as flames continue to consume the building beneath him…

He awoke because of a painful nudge. He jumped up and almost attacked the man standing next to him, before he recognized him as Kuron, the bald man.
“What.”
“It’s almost time. We should ready ourselves.”
“For what?”
“For getting the hell out of here, of course, you idiot. You might look like a tough guy, but you’re not very bright, are you?”
He ignored Kuron and put on his gloves again.
“I’m ready. Now what?”
“Now we wait.”
He watched the seven others. Each of them showed different signs of hopeful expectation: most of them sat or leaned against the moist wall, only the one called Haralon, a broad, strong, long-haired man paced up and down the small room.
“I hope he succeeds, or else we’ll all hang in some hours,” Welvan said, looking thoroughly nervous, “’cause the sun has already risen.”
Indeed, the first rays of the morning sun were shining through the barred little window. Kuron kicked away a dead rat with an angry sound. “Of course he’ll come, he’s promised. He’s the Prince, he keeps his promises. Any minute now.”
They waited, every one of them with his own thoughts. The assassin didn’t know how long it lasted, but suddenly Welvan broke the silence again:
“Look, buddies, we’d better accept it: he’s not coming. We aren’t that important, he wouldn’t waste valuable men rescuing us.”
“Don’t you understand?” Kuron said, “it’s not just about us, today is a great day for the rebellion. Targets everywhere in the city are to be assaulted and burned. Every one of them military of course, we don’t want to harm the population itself.”
The assassin winced. Kuron didn’t notice.
“I mean, most of those guys are as tired of the king as we are, and they’ll join us soon. No, the Prince will come.”
All were silent again for a while, until Ioran said:
“Listen… It has started, my friends. The fighting has started.”
Indeed there were sounds of battle to be heard, first outside, and then in the corridor. There was a cry of pain in the hall, and then the sound of a key in the door. Everyone was standing now. It swung open.
A single man entered the dungeon.
For a moment, no-one moved. And then, suddenly, the man started to laugh and hugged Haralon, who was standing closest to him.
“Good to see you, old bear, and all of you filth, of course.”
His eyes slid over the relieved prisoners.
“Wait a minute… where are Lortin and Dyvan?”
Silence.
“They haven’t been killed on the battlefield, have they?”
Still, everyone remained silent.
“Alright, let’s just get out of here, then, before the whole thing blows up. And while we’re running, just tell me who that guy is.” He pointed at the assassin. Kuron answered, while they all left the dungeon.
“We call him Tough Guy, cause he says he has no name. He killed Somendus, but for the rest I don’t know a bloody thing about him. The Prince may have hired him in secret. Have you heard anything like that, Graid?”
“Nope. The Prince might know more about him, though, and if not, the Oracle will.”
“How’s the rebellion stuff going since the battle of Lujar?”
“You’ll see once we get to the Prince. That might be some trouble, because of the king’s men everywhere, but we’ll manage to hold them off for a while, I hope.”

They finally arrived outside, after having travelled through such an amount of corridors that one could only guess about the true extent of the dungeons. There were lots of people gathered on the square, many of them carrying weapons, and a large group of apparently released prisoners were being given weapons, which the rebels seemed to have got from a nearby armoury.
Some of the men were carrying straw towards the building, others were leaving to help their comrades in different parts of the city.
“We’re going to blow up the storage above the cells. There are lots of grain supplies up there, together with several oil barrels. The whole thing will burn like hell”, said Graid, “you’d better run for the headquarters, cause the royal troops shall be here soon.” Indeed, some people were coming out of the building, yelling at everyone to get away from there.
When the assassin looked around, he could see there already were pillars of smoke rising into the air at many other places in the city.
“Let’s go”, Kuron said, “the whole city is one big chaos now, but soon it will be over. We don’t want a full-scale civil war in the streets, yet.” He took a large sword offered to him by another rebel, and started to run away quickly from the already burning prison storage. All started to flee, except for one.
The assassin gazed into the spreading fire, an inscrutable expression on his face. To his ears it seemed like the fire was speaking softly: “mine… mine forever… surrender…you’re mine…raven…”
“Hey, Tough Guy, we won’t wait for ye, ye know!”
The assassin sighed and turned around. He took a few steps, then began to run, putting as much distance as possible between him and the rapidly growing inferno. As he rounded the corner, he was almost lifted from his feet by a gigantic explosion behind him. The flames had reached the oil barrels. It almost sounded like a scream of joy.
He scrambled up his feet again and followed the others, his only allies in a huge hostile city, allies he had sworn to himself to kill. He briefly touched the flask around his neck. Patience, he told himself, my revenge will come soon.
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Comments: 17

UncleBrazzie [2006-11-14 13:34:19 +0000 UTC]

Right-o. Bout time I started living up to my promises and do some axe-wielding

First off: story wise it's still not terribly intrigueing. Put that down to me being a fantasy-freak and having read far too much of it already, but so far it kinda reminds me of the average Feist / Eddings. I hope you don't take that as a slight though They're able writers, but not always terribly novel. I can live with fantasy not always being curring edge, as most of the genre seems to have been explored, invented and re-invented already. But I wonder whree you'll take this, and if you'll manage to amaze me as I know you are capable of.

Secondly: language and spelling all seem okay. I didn't like "mean-looking guards". I can accept them being mean-looking, but perhaps this needs more show and less tell, because written like this, it's a stereotype. Guards are always mean-looking (it goes with the job description I suppose), but you're gonna have to tell us what makes 'm mean-looking instead of force-feeding us this information.

The Prince may have hired him in secret. Have you heard anything like that, Graid?
"have you heard anything like that" makes it seem as if he's asking "Have you ever heard about such thing"..."Wel heb je van je leven zeg..." I assume you mean for him to be inquiring whether Graid knows anything about an assassin being sent after the prince. "Did you hear anything about that?" or "Has so and so mentioned this at all?" may work better then.

Style now.
“Well, what have we here. I have never seen you before, mate. You look like a tough guy, though, and you must support the rebellion, or else they wouldn’t have locked you up here in the first place. What is your name?”

This sounded forced. I can't imagine this conversation taking place; it just doesn't sit right. It sounds a bit like the introductory dialogue from a computer RPG, and that's not a good thing in this case
Overall, the dialogue is a bit stiff and wooden, too formal perhaps for what appear to be at this time just a bunch of rebels. The language you use in the non-dialogue part can easily be in this rather ponderous, half-musing tone, but for the dialogue, this doesn't work. It makes the character sound as if they're told, instead of them being living breathing people.

At night he would go completely unnoticed. He was tall and had the face of someone who has spent his entire life in the wilderness.
I see what you mean with this "at night" business, but it comes across as an irrelevancy. And how can you tell by someone's face if he's lived all his life in the wilderness, I wonder?

He pointed successively at every man in the room: “Pertor, Welvan, Ioran, Haralon, Lutob and Cind.”
Apart from Welvan, who gets about two lines of dialogue later on, none of these characters seem to really be here at all. They are not described, nor do they say or do anything which reveals any aspect of their personality. Again, I refer to George R.R. Martin, who manages to cram pages full of people who may or may not be relevant to the story without them becoming faceless figurants. Difficult, but necessary, especially if you throw half a dozen new characters at us in one single sentence.

His eyes slid over the relieved prisoners
I don't get the idea that the prisoners are very relieved at all. They don't move once Graid (it's Graid isn't it? I get confused with the characters' names at this point, see my previous paragraph) rescues them, nor do they even speak or answer his questions...pretty odd behaviour, and again, a bit too static for the situation.

So there's where mine axe fell at first reading. I hope the cuts will heal swiftly

Greetz'n'Hugz

Jo (Just)

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DorianP In reply to UncleBrazzie [2006-11-14 13:56:02 +0000 UTC]

Very well. The prison scene (most importantly the dialogue) will be the first thing I alter in the next version. Your points are valid, and I was not too happy with that part myself either. I'm not entirely sure yet what I'll do with it, but I do have received enough suggestions by now to fill three complete prison scenes

You can recognize people who've spent a lot of time outside, you know. It's called "a wheathered face", I believe. Look in the mirror after you've had a vacation at the north pole and you'll know what I mean
No, seriously, it is recognizable. My face has changed because I don't get outside that much anymore.

Thanks for pointing out the weak spots in my language. I've still got a lot to learn where English is concerned.

One more thing: Please do not judge the originality of this piece by the first two or three chapters. Story wise, it gets interesting around part four, I think. To be honest, this whole thing started out as an assignment of how to get something original out of a concept that has been used hundreds of times before. Like, really "uitgemolken"

Anyway, my humble thanks for the applicance of thine axe, stuff like that.

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UncleBrazzie In reply to DorianP [2006-11-14 15:03:09 +0000 UTC]

I know you're going somewhere with this, never worry. I'll stick around for sure

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Nebelstreif [2006-11-10 01:43:17 +0000 UTC]

I like the second part, and the dream sequence, but I have to say that I found the first part somewhat inconvincing. Seven other people in the room but only one of them talking sounds a tad artificial, but that's only a minor thing.
Kuron guessed way too quickly that this man killed Sormendus, and way too correctly, just from the appearance of a man who hardly talks about himself. Well, seems the assassin being on their side wasn't entirely correct. He's just jumping to conclusions and making friends with him in a speedy manner unlikely to happen in real life. If you want the rebels to know this man killed Sormendus, have a guard tell this. Or the assassin himself... he really should be talking more and being friendlier, if you want the rebels to ally with him. You probably want them to stick together in the next chapter... I'd say just being freed together is enough reason to stay together for a while, no need to make friends the first evening. Or elaborate on the dialogue a little, some officer's taking a friendly stance towards the new guy, others being distrustful.
Another minor thing is the (nick)name, it also sticks way too quickly, and it sounds too positive. Nicknames tend to be derisive and taunting.

I'd also say for a medieval setting, this has too many explosions. Wooden, straw-thatched houses burn well enough on their own, no need for explosions here. The villagers are way more likely to hide in the forest than in their flammable town hall. Also, the whole notion of avoiding collateral damages, that is an invention of UN peace forces, no army in the world acts like that. You could have some army firing burning arrows at the village, while the people are sleeping in their straw-thatched houses. Or someone lock the villagers in their town hall and lighting it on fire intentiously - the 20th century wasn't the first one to see such atrocities.

I think a soldier would be morely to keep up a tough image and boast how many people died instead of regretting the death of innocent villagers... but all in all I think this accidental prison encounter is a great way for the raven to find out who's responsible for the death of his folks. His reaction of wincing and flinching but otherwise keeping to himself is psychologically very convincing. The fire as a recurring motif (village, dream, granary) has great potential, and when the flames whisper to him - that is a kickass moment!

Now if the first critique wasn't too harsh, I'm afraid this one will be :/ The negative part is so much longer than the positive part... but that's also because I included many suggestion how I'd find the story more convincing, so I hope the critique stays on the constructive side.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

DorianP In reply to Nebelstreif [2006-11-11 14:20:51 +0000 UTC]

You shed some interesting new lights on this piece, thanks a lot for that. You are very right about the prison scene, I was never too happy with it but I was too lazy to rewrite it, or I didn't have any sound ideas. Anyway, you can count on it that I will change it a lot. I'm not entirely sure yet if I'll use all of your suggestions.

About the village: I don't agree with you on this. The rebel force didn't want villagers standing in their way during the battle, so they put all of them in one place. They didn't drive them into the woods, because they wouldn't be safe there. The rebels did not want any harm to come to the villagers. Why would they? They need support by towns like these. That's why the man doesn't boast about the many deaths by villagers. Also, fire arrows would never have the impact Greek fire has (which was used repeatedly in sea battles in the Middle Ages). Grain can also explode, or at least burn like hell. Perhaps I'll change that scene, though. An explosion is not necessary here, you're right about that.

Thank you for your critique! As you know by now, I'm not afraid of negative comments, and when they are constructive, I even encourage them.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Nebelstreif In reply to DorianP [2006-11-11 18:45:14 +0000 UTC]

No problems, they're just suggestions, not commandments.... another idea that occured to me for the prison scene: Since the stranger seems to be loath to talk about himself, or with his co-prisoners, you could have the rebels talk between themselves, reminiscing the battle at "what-was-it's-name, Lujar?" Or otherwise make plain to the reader and the newcomer that they're talking about his hometown. Just a suggestion, like any others.

Yes, Greek fire is a good explanation... "They had used some kind of oil, that burned like hell." I feel that sentence sounds kinda awkward to introduce this notion though. The name Greek Fire obviously wouldn't work in style, either. What about calling that stuff Ferero's fire (or the like), Ferero being some inventor who came up with that hellish kind of stuff, as the newcomer learns. Could add another chapter to his quest, to kill Feroro. My effervescent ideas probably totally mess up the plans you have for this novel ;]

I don't mean to say that the rebels drove them into the wood. It's just if I were a villager and had a choice between hiding in a wooden townhall or in the forest, I'd choose the forest. Why wouldn't they be safe in the wood?
Anyway, that bit is hard to change, without overtoppling the event on which the whole story is based.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

DorianP In reply to Nebelstreif [2006-11-12 19:04:03 +0000 UTC]

Difficult to change, yes. While I take your advice into consideration, I don't think it'll come back in the story at this point. They wouldn't be safe in the woods because there was one huge battle coming up, in which they could easily be mistaken for being part of one of the armies.

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Nebelstreif In reply to DorianP [2007-02-07 04:20:49 +0000 UTC]

Well, they could hide between the trees, while my uneducated impression of medieval style warfare says the armies would be fighting in the open field. But maybe the rebels are using some wooden guerilla tactics ;]

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DorianP In reply to Nebelstreif [2007-02-08 15:04:35 +0000 UTC]

As far as I know battles were fought in forests as well as plains, but nevermind

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Felix-Forever [2006-10-22 22:07:09 +0000 UTC]

Not nearly as amazing as the first piece, but still good. One part that bothers me is when Kuron says "landed up here." Now, don't people usually say "ended" when using it in that sense?

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DorianP In reply to Felix-Forever [2006-10-23 10:10:06 +0000 UTC]

Damn you're right. Bad Language Alert, thank you

Not as good as the first piece. Well, I wholeheartedly agree with you about that, but I can also tell you why: the only thing I had to do in the first piece was to make some things happen and to create an atmosphere of utter darkness and despair. In this part, I'm doing dialogues. That is, for me in any case, a hell of a lot more difficult. I think I'll get better at it when I've practiced enough.
Anyway, thanks a lot for the input, very much appreciated!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Amayarin [2006-10-20 13:14:44 +0000 UTC]

it's good... little confuseing in one bit but good ^_^ still want to read the rest though.. would make a brillient book in my opinion.

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DorianP In reply to Amayarin [2006-10-20 13:25:34 +0000 UTC]

In what bit is it confusing? I want to improve this wherever I can. Thank you very much for reading, and for commenting

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Amayarin In reply to DorianP [2006-10-20 13:29:00 +0000 UTC]

it might just be me.. got a little lost, though when the explosion went off, thought i was reading the same sentance twice.. i wasn't no worries it's still good

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

DorianP In reply to Amayarin [2006-10-20 13:30:37 +0000 UTC]

I'll look at it again. I don't want anything to be confusing. Well, at least not at the places it shouldn't be confusing

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Amayarin In reply to DorianP [2006-10-20 13:34:26 +0000 UTC]

lol yeah but it's me... i get confused alot >_<

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DorianP In reply to Amayarin [2006-10-20 13:41:41 +0000 UTC]

I don't want you to be confused.

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