Comments: 17
UncleBrazzie [2006-11-14 13:34:19 +0000 UTC]
Right-o. Bout time I started living up to my promises and do some axe-wielding
First off: story wise it's still not terribly intrigueing. Put that down to me being a fantasy-freak and having read far too much of it already, but so far it kinda reminds me of the average Feist / Eddings. I hope you don't take that as a slight though They're able writers, but not always terribly novel. I can live with fantasy not always being curring edge, as most of the genre seems to have been explored, invented and re-invented already. But I wonder whree you'll take this, and if you'll manage to amaze me as I know you are capable of.
Secondly: language and spelling all seem okay. I didn't like "mean-looking guards". I can accept them being mean-looking, but perhaps this needs more show and less tell, because written like this, it's a stereotype. Guards are always mean-looking (it goes with the job description I suppose), but you're gonna have to tell us what makes 'm mean-looking instead of force-feeding us this information.
The Prince may have hired him in secret. Have you heard anything like that, Graid?
"have you heard anything like that" makes it seem as if he's asking "Have you ever heard about such thing"..."Wel heb je van je leven zeg..." I assume you mean for him to be inquiring whether Graid knows anything about an assassin being sent after the prince. "Did you hear anything about that?" or "Has so and so mentioned this at all?" may work better then.
Style now.
“Well, what have we here. I have never seen you before, mate. You look like a tough guy, though, and you must support the rebellion, or else they wouldn’t have locked you up here in the first place. What is your name?”
This sounded forced. I can't imagine this conversation taking place; it just doesn't sit right. It sounds a bit like the introductory dialogue from a computer RPG, and that's not a good thing in this case
Overall, the dialogue is a bit stiff and wooden, too formal perhaps for what appear to be at this time just a bunch of rebels. The language you use in the non-dialogue part can easily be in this rather ponderous, half-musing tone, but for the dialogue, this doesn't work. It makes the character sound as if they're told, instead of them being living breathing people.
At night he would go completely unnoticed. He was tall and had the face of someone who has spent his entire life in the wilderness.
I see what you mean with this "at night" business, but it comes across as an irrelevancy. And how can you tell by someone's face if he's lived all his life in the wilderness, I wonder?
He pointed successively at every man in the room: “Pertor, Welvan, Ioran, Haralon, Lutob and Cind.”
Apart from Welvan, who gets about two lines of dialogue later on, none of these characters seem to really be here at all. They are not described, nor do they say or do anything which reveals any aspect of their personality. Again, I refer to George R.R. Martin, who manages to cram pages full of people who may or may not be relevant to the story without them becoming faceless figurants. Difficult, but necessary, especially if you throw half a dozen new characters at us in one single sentence.
His eyes slid over the relieved prisoners
I don't get the idea that the prisoners are very relieved at all. They don't move once Graid (it's Graid isn't it? I get confused with the characters' names at this point, see my previous paragraph) rescues them, nor do they even speak or answer his questions...pretty odd behaviour, and again, a bit too static for the situation.
So there's where mine axe fell at first reading. I hope the cuts will heal swiftly
Greetz'n'Hugz
Jo (Just)
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DorianP In reply to UncleBrazzie [2006-11-14 13:56:02 +0000 UTC]
Very well. The prison scene (most importantly the dialogue) will be the first thing I alter in the next version. Your points are valid, and I was not too happy with that part myself either. I'm not entirely sure yet what I'll do with it, but I do have received enough suggestions by now to fill three complete prison scenes
You can recognize people who've spent a lot of time outside, you know. It's called "a wheathered face", I believe. Look in the mirror after you've had a vacation at the north pole and you'll know what I mean
No, seriously, it is recognizable. My face has changed because I don't get outside that much anymore.
Thanks for pointing out the weak spots in my language. I've still got a lot to learn where English is concerned.
One more thing: Please do not judge the originality of this piece by the first two or three chapters. Story wise, it gets interesting around part four, I think. To be honest, this whole thing started out as an assignment of how to get something original out of a concept that has been used hundreds of times before. Like, really "uitgemolken"
Anyway, my humble thanks for the applicance of thine axe, stuff like that.
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Nebelstreif [2006-11-10 01:43:17 +0000 UTC]
I like the second part, and the dream sequence, but I have to say that I found the first part somewhat inconvincing. Seven other people in the room but only one of them talking sounds a tad artificial, but that's only a minor thing.
Kuron guessed way too quickly that this man killed Sormendus, and way too correctly, just from the appearance of a man who hardly talks about himself. Well, seems the assassin being on their side wasn't entirely correct. He's just jumping to conclusions and making friends with him in a speedy manner unlikely to happen in real life. If you want the rebels to know this man killed Sormendus, have a guard tell this. Or the assassin himself... he really should be talking more and being friendlier, if you want the rebels to ally with him. You probably want them to stick together in the next chapter... I'd say just being freed together is enough reason to stay together for a while, no need to make friends the first evening. Or elaborate on the dialogue a little, some officer's taking a friendly stance towards the new guy, others being distrustful.
Another minor thing is the (nick)name, it also sticks way too quickly, and it sounds too positive. Nicknames tend to be derisive and taunting.
I'd also say for a medieval setting, this has too many explosions. Wooden, straw-thatched houses burn well enough on their own, no need for explosions here. The villagers are way more likely to hide in the forest than in their flammable town hall. Also, the whole notion of avoiding collateral damages, that is an invention of UN peace forces, no army in the world acts like that. You could have some army firing burning arrows at the village, while the people are sleeping in their straw-thatched houses. Or someone lock the villagers in their town hall and lighting it on fire intentiously - the 20th century wasn't the first one to see such atrocities.
I think a soldier would be morely to keep up a tough image and boast how many people died instead of regretting the death of innocent villagers... but all in all I think this accidental prison encounter is a great way for the raven to find out who's responsible for the death of his folks. His reaction of wincing and flinching but otherwise keeping to himself is psychologically very convincing. The fire as a recurring motif (village, dream, granary) has great potential, and when the flames whisper to him - that is a kickass moment!
Now if the first critique wasn't too harsh, I'm afraid this one will be :/ The negative part is so much longer than the positive part... but that's also because I included many suggestion how I'd find the story more convincing, so I hope the critique stays on the constructive side.
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DorianP In reply to Nebelstreif [2006-11-11 14:20:51 +0000 UTC]
You shed some interesting new lights on this piece, thanks a lot for that. You are very right about the prison scene, I was never too happy with it but I was too lazy to rewrite it, or I didn't have any sound ideas. Anyway, you can count on it that I will change it a lot. I'm not entirely sure yet if I'll use all of your suggestions.
About the village: I don't agree with you on this. The rebel force didn't want villagers standing in their way during the battle, so they put all of them in one place. They didn't drive them into the woods, because they wouldn't be safe there. The rebels did not want any harm to come to the villagers. Why would they? They need support by towns like these. That's why the man doesn't boast about the many deaths by villagers. Also, fire arrows would never have the impact Greek fire has (which was used repeatedly in sea battles in the Middle Ages). Grain can also explode, or at least burn like hell. Perhaps I'll change that scene, though. An explosion is not necessary here, you're right about that.
Thank you for your critique! As you know by now, I'm not afraid of negative comments, and when they are constructive, I even encourage them.
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Nebelstreif In reply to DorianP [2006-11-11 18:45:14 +0000 UTC]
No problems, they're just suggestions, not commandments.... another idea that occured to me for the prison scene: Since the stranger seems to be loath to talk about himself, or with his co-prisoners, you could have the rebels talk between themselves, reminiscing the battle at "what-was-it's-name, Lujar?" Or otherwise make plain to the reader and the newcomer that they're talking about his hometown. Just a suggestion, like any others.
Yes, Greek fire is a good explanation... "They had used some kind of oil, that burned like hell." I feel that sentence sounds kinda awkward to introduce this notion though. The name Greek Fire obviously wouldn't work in style, either. What about calling that stuff Ferero's fire (or the like), Ferero being some inventor who came up with that hellish kind of stuff, as the newcomer learns. Could add another chapter to his quest, to kill Feroro. My effervescent ideas probably totally mess up the plans you have for this novel ;]
I don't mean to say that the rebels drove them into the wood. It's just if I were a villager and had a choice between hiding in a wooden townhall or in the forest, I'd choose the forest. Why wouldn't they be safe in the wood?
Anyway, that bit is hard to change, without overtoppling the event on which the whole story is based.
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DorianP In reply to Nebelstreif [2006-11-12 19:04:03 +0000 UTC]
Difficult to change, yes. While I take your advice into consideration, I don't think it'll come back in the story at this point. They wouldn't be safe in the woods because there was one huge battle coming up, in which they could easily be mistaken for being part of one of the armies.
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Nebelstreif In reply to DorianP [2007-02-07 04:20:49 +0000 UTC]
Well, they could hide between the trees, while my uneducated impression of medieval style warfare says the armies would be fighting in the open field. But maybe the rebels are using some wooden guerilla tactics ;]
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Felix-Forever [2006-10-22 22:07:09 +0000 UTC]
Not nearly as amazing as the first piece, but still good. One part that bothers me is when Kuron says "landed up here." Now, don't people usually say "ended" when using it in that sense?
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Amayarin In reply to DorianP [2006-10-20 13:29:00 +0000 UTC]
it might just be me.. got a little lost, though when the explosion went off, thought i was reading the same sentance twice.. i wasn't no worries it's still good
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Amayarin In reply to DorianP [2006-10-20 13:34:26 +0000 UTC]
lol yeah but it's me... i get confused alot >_<
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DorianP In reply to Amayarin [2006-10-20 13:41:41 +0000 UTC]
I don't want you to be confused.
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