UncleBrazzie [2006-09-26 19:40:31 +0000 UTC]

As you can see, DA miraculously "found" my review when I pressed "back" whilst posting another review...go figure...now, that other review is lost of course... :rolleyes:

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UncleBrazzie [2006-09-26 19:39:18 +0000 UTC]

Been ages since I was treated to one of your poem, Dorian! Thanks for sharing.

I like the one-word interludia, which help break the steady candence of the ABAB rhyme of the "real" stanzas. An old trick, but employed skillfully.

It is the fact I feel so wrong
that forced my heart to take this leap

Something feels wring about the tenses. Present in the first line, past in the second. Nothing really disturbing, but it felt...you know, odd. I can see the dilemma: the fact remains, even though your heart has already leaped...so which tense to choose? I can't say, but it needs something to work for me.


in clarity exposed so long
unable still to go to sleep

Good one. Sometimes we "non-sentences" work best in poetry, whereas they tend to cripple things in prose.

There was something you had said
that I would never be alone
but right now I feel all dead
and you are really on your own

"something that you said" works better if you ask me.
The third line falls a but flat, missing much of the morose feeling behind it. Perhaps it's testament to your dry wit, your phlegmatism, but for an image as potent as a personal death, ironically it needs more life.

Say, if you need me now once more
just tell me then what I should do
though since the day you closed the door
I think I’ve seen the last of you

Second line sounds like a literal translation to me: "Vertel me dan wat ik moet doen". Otherwise, it's a crucial stanza, since it effectively points the reader in a direction as to what this is all about: parting, and loss.

You should admit, it sounds quite fair
if life should hit you in the face
I will be there to show my care
to trade a song for an embrace

First line might have benefited from the "there" rhyme instead of the "fair" which sounds a bit feeble. But then, you've already used "there" in a mid-rhyme in the third line. You're wrapping things up here, so it's the most important stanza of them all. Perhaps by altering lines 1 and 3 it may become more developed.

As usual, my remarks seem to let out that I don't like much of it, which is untrue. The fact that I'm nitpicking at details like these show that it did move me. Again, it reminds me a lot of my own poetry, perhaps painfully so, which may explain why mine axe cuts so brutally again.

Don't let it daunt you. It's good. It doesn't live up to its full potential, so as a metaphor for The Poet, it goes a long way I think

Thanks again, buddy!

Greetz

Jo (Just)

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UncleBrazzie [2006-09-26 19:20:03 +0000 UTC]

Buggeration! I just wrote a rather lengthy review and DA swallowed it. Now I can only hope the Interweb sent it to Nigerian scammer who still owes me 250 million dollars...

I'll rephrase the review at some other time then, suffice to say I liked it, but there are certainly areas of possible improvement.

Greetz

Jo (Just)

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Janouk [2006-09-25 19:43:35 +0000 UTC]

I really like it a lot.

I think the words you placed between the different parts of the whole might break the poem a bit too much, though I'm sure you've had a prefect reason for placing them exactly like you did.
I especially like the first and last strophes. Yet, at the same time I like the two middle ones as well. I guess they all go well together.

O well, well done! I won't stay babbling too long

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KAMELOTrealm [2006-09-25 12:28:19 +0000 UTC]

Good one, I like it!

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Felix-Forever [2006-09-24 21:24:55 +0000 UTC]

Mm. Very, very nice. You don't like punctuation, eh?

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