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DorianP — Imprisoned Laugh
Published: 2005-12-30 17:05:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 98; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
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Description
I live in a world were dreams are forbiddenLocked in a tomb that should not be hidden
For my crimes I’ve been chained to the wall
Doomed to wait for steps in the hall
Not sure what they will do to me
Sentenced for wanting to be free
Their lies do not affect my mind
Leaving cold disdain behind
They cannot take my dreams away
Wait for yet another day
I will be free when I shall die
When I lose that final tie
So kill me, death I do not fear
Too long ago I spilled that tear
You can destroy body, but not soul
To take me down is to make me whole
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Comments: 7
**ka-ching!** goes the axe
Dorian, this reminds me of my own earlier poetry. This is not praise, however...
I remember when I wanted to write about heavy handed subjects like death and justice and the lies that shape this world against our better judgement...I tried and I struggled and I failed. Somehow, it all became hollow and trite, but at least it rhymed
I'm not saying that it's as bad as my own attempts to capture things that matter, just that it's terribly hard to pull off. Your poem tries to evoke a sense of defiance, a sort of deflated resilience, which is probably why it reminded me of my own writings "when I was your age" *
"When I lose that final tie" is off. Here the rhyme becomes a bit forced, and it feels as if you've settled for this because you found nothing better to rhyme with "die"...
In all, it is a laudable attempt to explain to your audience who you are and where your values lie, and for that I can only say Kudos to you!
Greetz
Jo (Just)
PS: it's just an axe, honed and aimed for the words. Never for the person.
Footnote:
* that's the only thing I hate about being thirtysomething: you start saying things like "when I was your age", and even though you don't mean it to sound condescending, it still does.
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As I said, I was trying some things, just for a change. It didn't really work out, as it became more mainstream, instead of less. See it as a kind of practice.
Finding things that rhyme with "die" is no problem, so it was just a bad line
You're right as always, my friend. The strangest thing was that I did not have the faintest idea what I was going to write. After the first line I didn't even know yet if it would become poetry... I admit, it didn't work out very well, better "luck" next time, I hope, although that's completely mine to decide of course.
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Heyhey don't be too harsh on yourself either now...
It's got potential, but I found that this kind of poetry with a more or less tangible message is in fact more difficult to pull off than one would expect.
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Creative and common. The subject at least. You feel, however, and that's what counts.
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I wanted to write something more accessable, seems I succeeded.
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wauw
sorry for the other people but i'm going to write dutch ^_^
my english sucks
wauw nogmaals.
echt heel cool.
hijs echt heel cool.
meer kan ik er effe nie voor vinden
gewoon cool.
en deprimerend maar waneer zijn jou gedichten dat nou niet
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Dank je, dank je *buigt*
Deprimerend... och zo kan je het ook zien natuurlijk, maar zo beschouw ik het niet.
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