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DorianP — Ways of the Phoenix
Published: 2007-07-08 15:59:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 369; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 1
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Description
The first time you died at the riverside,I had hoped you’d steer clear of my future
But you returned with disdain of the pain
of all uncomfortable games you adore.
And after the grace of your loveliness
was replaced by mere eloquent silence,
sign of the drama approaching once more,
I bravely began to discover the rules.
Another theatrical suicide
was the casual consequence thereof,
forced by the violence that you’ve escaped
by hurting yourself more than foes ever can.
Not even a sigh had been audible
while I searched for your soul in my sorrow
So, when this sudden you opened your eyes
I felt that it’d soon start all over again.
Indeed you repeat those strange cycling moods
and although for a while we’re enjoying
kisses in darkness exchanged, I still know
the ways of the phoenix aren’t more than before.
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Comments: 6
Also called cheating.
Your scheme is completely interesting. I may have to try it some day, yeah? As you've already said, some of your phrasing could be better, yes. But a whole night? Screw phrasing.
Decent job.
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I am curious to your self-imposed rules, so I can judge for myself if you cheated or not really. And remember that sometimes the changing of the rules can imply new rules, not always easier to follow.
"Not even a sigh had been audible
while I searched for your soul in my sorrow "
I like the amount of "s" , which also is a sound of sighing.
I would have loved some more cycles, but I can imagine that that is quite difficult.
Nice work!
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More cycles would have made the poem significantly longer, while I had already said everything I wanted to say. But indeed, I'd have liked to convey more of a feeling of repetition.
Cheers on the s's, I like a bit of irony.
The metric scheme was:
^_^^_^^_^^
^^_^^_^^_^
_^^_^^_^^_
^_^^_^^_^^_
In which ^ is an unstressed syllable and _ a stressed one. This scheme also made rhyming a bit difficult.
thanks for reading and commenting! Means a lot.
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I'll have to look at that sheme of yours some more. And of course I read and comment!
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