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Helewidis — Im bittersweet when I wake up
Published: 2008-10-10 18:46:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 2271; Favourites: 28; Downloads: 65
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Description
I’m bittersweet when I wake up.Soft and slow. My voice is on play:
I wake up everyday.
When I suddenly do it’s all harsh and bleak.
My eyelids start to open while my body remains silent. I uncover myself from the sheets of depression in a slow dance with my mind. Everyday.
Surrounded by walking corpses. Talking corpses. Non-stop talking. They shatter the stories I lived while asleep from my memory. They expel them with their voices. With their sharp loud voices.
I begin to wonder where I can buy a piece of silence – for when I stop dreaming.
I imagine I’ll have to die for it.
I’d die for silence (I guess).
Even my window screams, with all the daylight. The harsh light. It tells me to do things:
Dress up! Make breakfast! Be polite and nice to the annoying walking corpses in your house! Take the Bus! Say “Good Morning” to everyone with a smile - even if it’s not a good morning for you; even if they don’t care about you! Go to class! Pay attention! Have good grades! Save your money! Beware of Wolves!… I’m a girl, so I have to be nice and cuddly. I have to be tidy and clean. I have to be a woman. I have to…
At this point I no longer am certain if this is the window talking or if it was me all along.
The air is cold when my feet push it against the wooden floor. I have no socks and feel like Oliver Twist. Only I’m a girl.
I lift my hand so it can open a drawer. My head tilts down and my eyes search for something to wear. Something that matches. Brown and white. Brown and black. Black and white.
I push yet again my feet against the wooden floor – it squeaks while warming. I then raise the volume of the radio playing one of those 80’s electric songs and I feel my lips drawing a smile in my face. Alone, I get warmer.
I obey the window’s screams, so I can just get my dose of silence. My daily need. My addiction.
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Comments: 72
Thank you very much for your critique. I think it is completely fair! I was needing it badly, too. I'm sure it'll help me in polishing this piece and then some. I now have food for thought for months.
Again, thank you!
Eloísa
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No problem. I just reread the critique and winced at how rushed it seemed -- I'm relieved it was helpful.
I'm glad I had a chance to read your poem. Good luck writing!
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Rushed? It felt complete to me! I may bug you with a second version if you let me, though. Once again, thank you very much for your help. It is deeply appreciated. I was starving for it!
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Haha, I'm looking forward to it.
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Straight to the point, and walking a circle around your feelings.
Why can't they be quiet? Buy a piece of silence for me to dream...
It does hit you. It makes you travel from your bed to your eyes to your sheets, to the talking window to end up feeling locked within you. Because everything seems to be there, inside of what you are and what you do.
I wonder if your addiction means something you have accepted just to remain free, even if it's for a while. Conformist? Or maybe a little revolution is being created inside?
You don't need anyone else to smile. Your silence is produced by the high volume of the 80's electronic songs.
I like what you did there. The contrast. The details in the description, the emotion, the temperature of your feet in contact with the floor...
Suggestions? Few ones. Just one. Keep the rate of the "poem", it seems to have a breach between the overall and the comment of the window, a breach of rythm, metaphoric to too ordinary.
But that's a small grain in a big mountain.
Now it's time for you to be whatever you want to be. Choose black and brown.
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I am just testing so u may delete this critique.,.
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This really hits the reader hard with the monotony of the struggles one would face everyday with their mood. It is stark and hopeless while at the same time examining what we view as hope. That it is not some grandiose Hollywood movie moment but instead the little things that get us out of bed and into our very lives.
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Lindo! As tuas palavras são tão certas, tão descritivas quanto se podia querer.
Que talento.
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Ora essa. Os elogios são mais que merecidos
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Bravo 
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that was my intention! 
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for a first attempt in english, this is VERY well done. love the imagery!
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absolutely awesome hunny! now do tell me what being portuguese matters? 'cept for making you that much more friggin adorable?
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awhh... 
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Very unique perspective and I like how you use the light in this narrative
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Sweet Bonnie. Your English is just wonderful, never let it stand in the way of baring your soul, which you have done beautifully here. 
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Wow. What a beautiful piece of writing, truly. It's so interesting to me because, without getting ridiculously personal, you have basically described a day of my life at the moment....I really relate to the harsh light of day through the window, screaming at you to get up and do something when sometimes, it's just not that easy.
I studied English Literature at University and couldn't dream of writing something so cutting and beautiful...I would never have guessed you weren't a native English speaker.
I look forward to reading more of your work xxx
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wow, thank you, Sara!
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Tis really good! You write just as well as a native english speaker.
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Perfect! 
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I felt a lot of people skipped it or missed it for some reason, and it is one of my favs (and my first in english and I'm happy with it), so I decided to put it in first featured in my userpage... seems that finally worked! 
that's what I tried to achieve with it, something personal yet kinda universal. I don't know if it applies only to one gender or not. I secretly wish it didn't, even tho the idea of it being a feminine issue captured in a poem of mine kinda makes me happy to... in a depressed twisted way! xD
all of this to say: thank you
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Your english worked just fine. I would only point out one sentence, the one after the Oliver Twist thing... I can see what it means, but maybe that's because I'm portuguese too ;3
Yeah, I like the universality (XD) of this! It's amazing how we humans are equal in certain points, careless of the life-style or the place we live in. Society asks too much of us, just like your window... Or maybe in the end, after asking so much, we end up believing this have to be in a certain way, and that way is the right one...
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"Only I’m a girl."? hmmm... I never thought it could be read in another way than ours... xD (I sense a poll coming in
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i like how i could relate to it without being a girl
i usually get bored halfway :shy: but you kinda hooked me with :
"My eyelids start to open while my body remains silent. I uncover myself from the sheets of depression in a slow dance with my mind. Everyday."
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wow!
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Very Beautiful writing 
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Great flow to the piece, its rithmic in accordance with the theme, fast where it's needed, slow like waking up on a cold morning.
I sometimes feel like that too, so this really talks to me loudly.
what a wonderful job you did!
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