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Helewidis — Who am I? - FFM_2010_28
Published: 2010-07-28 20:46:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 757; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 32
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Description
When the sunlight fades and the moon replaces the sun, a little boy starts to shiver. In the school's backyard the wait for his mother ends just a few seconds before the last ray shines through the clouds. If the traffic wasn't so deafening one could have heard him sighing, from the backseat, wishing he could control time and the four seasons.- And why not the world instead? The words escaped from his mouth, while she was applying lipstick yet again. She took a glance at him through the mirror, but his reflection wasn't there. - What are you up to now, Phillip? Her question wasn't met with a reply. Anxious, she looked behind. Her eyes found him crouching at the back of a seat.
***
At home, it is always the same scene with dinner. He throws a tantrum and, after he calms down, handles the spoon in a slow pace, trying to delay the inevitable. She is observing across the kitchen and a wrinkle of worry appears to have grown deeper in her face. When he swallows the last bit his face translates its taste - but cold soup is the least of his troubles. As soon as he finishes the ice cream he'll be sent to bed.
Inside his room, the shadows inhabiting it assume shapes that scare him, while colliding with each other. He carries me around all day fiercely and trusts me to keep his secrets and hold his belongings, but at night (when he's about to be alone) I suddenly become the monster underneath his bed.
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Comments: 23
Interesting little story you have here;
Nice starting, it catches the reader right away; it sets a setting, a character, and a situation... good.
I must admit I got confused with the boy's behavior; at the beginning I think he's just your common boy that's really cold and is complaining about it and about his mom picking him up late, but then his behavior later on while eating makes me think he's a sort of autistic boy or something like that? Also from the last line of the second paragraph:
"...-but cold soup is the least of his troubles. As soon as he finishes the ice cream he'll be sent to bed."
I could be wrong badly, but that's the impression I get.
I like the very last paragraph because of how you change the narrator so suddenly. I like the idea, I've seen it quite some times, but the change could be smoother, more subtle, see? Perhaps you could elaborate that part a little so you can gradually change the person narrating.
All in all, disregarding the fact that this is a first quick draft, I really liked this and I am certainly looking forward to seeing this get expanded; develope more the story, perhaps give more insights of the life of the boy, his thoughts, his relationship with his mother, his general life at home and school, and so on.
Kudos
By the way, I have two theories about who it is -here I go 
It could be his own self, his "dark side", for lack of a better term
OR
It could be his conscience.
If none, I fail XD.
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He shivers in fear, because he knows he'll go to bed soon and he's afraid of the "monster". Actually, I inspired myself a little bit in my brother, who has Asperger's, for this piece. He was never afraid of that particular monster, and never passed by this whole story I described, but there are some key elements in common. Especially the anxiety of the kid, the fear in anticipation, right from the moment it gets darker, and bedtime approaches. So yeah, not autistic, but something like that. Close enough, congrats on getting that. No one else did, so far!
I need to work more on how the story is narrated. My intention was to give the feeling that the narrator is the same from beginning, but only reveals himself in the end. I need to work on a lot of things, actually. I'm also going to expand it. I have a back-story for this in my mind, that is eager to pop out. Hehe. I'm loving this crit month. Critiques like yours are very helpful to get an idea of how people perceive what I write. Thank you!!!
P.S.: In my mind, the monster is a school bag, that he carries around all day, and where he keeps his things and books.
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Yes, the narration could be modified but it is not a big deal really, so far it was very good. But yes, the extension of this story would be very beneficial. One does get some of that feeling you want to radiate -that the narrator is the same at the end but revealed.
Oh I'd like to see an extended version of this, it is intriguing already 
You're welcome 
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Thank you very much, once again. You are too kind. Btw, are you interested in a poke from me after I edit it?
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It is my pleasure
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My first curiosity is piqued, maybe I missed something, but what is the mother doing in the school's back yard? or is she at a conference about him?
The way you set this up is excellent albeit lacking some details that I think would make it better understandable to the reader. I must admit I had to read the tantrum part after finishing the whole thing to understand what was going on "the inevitable" and that was having to go to bed.
Lastly, is it a teddy bear he carries around all day that becomes the monster under the bed? There was no mention in any description of him carrying anything, nor was this object or creature obviously a narrator until the last.
So please understand that I am terrible at this. I am trying though. I want to say that I was not dissatisfied with this story at all. I was left curious and wanting to know more. Which I think is perfect for FFM.
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"In the school's backyard the wait for his mother ends.." - he is the one in the backyard, not the mother. She arrives in the end of the sunset: "just a few seconds before the last ray shines through the clouds.". Like probably everything else in this text, I might have to rephrase it to make it simpler, though. Thanks for letting me know where you had to re-read and such. That's very helpful!
No, it was not a teddy bear. If you re-read the end you'll see it is something that can hold things and secrets, that he carries around all day. I like doing that, by the way. Letting the reader know the full picture only in the end. If you read my other pieces you'll see it's a constant of mine.
Again, thank you very much!
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I'm sorry. I had some notes to elaborate on the critique from your comments here, but I didn't want to continue critique of what you are apparently finished with.
Please forgive me. I chose it randomly, I thought all the pieces we put up here were intended for critique. My apologies.
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Hum. I am confused. I am not finished with it. In fact, this will be edited a lot of times until I can't bare it any more. I thought I let it clear when I thanked you for pointing out those things, and when I said I was going to have to rephrase it. Could you let me know what did I do or say that mislead you into thinking that this wasn't intended for critique?
I mean, I did not dismiss anything you said, I was polite, I thanked, I replied to questions... Is it perhaps some cultural or language barrier? Did I upset you in any way? Was it the "innocent" emote? I'm really puzzled and would like to know, in order to avoid this kind misunderstanding in the future. Thank you.
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simple misunderstanding, my apologies.
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Firstly, nice one. A lot in a very short piece. Great scene setting with the slight creepiness hinted in the first sentence.
I found it hard to get a handle on the first section of this. I don't know who the narrator is and it's a very impersonal style which is perhaps a bit too clinical. While I'm not keen on clippy's war against the passive voice in general, I think there is probably a little too much of it in your first paragraph: "In the school's backyard the wait for his mother ends" and "Her question wasn't met with a reply". Try rephrasing a lot of that first paragraph, as *ThornyEnglishRose says, in a simpler sentence style. The kid is young; try phrasing it in a way he would understand or would phrase it himself.
I'm not sure the world-controlling outburst fits with the way you have characterised the boy. I think the characterisation is confused a little in general: sometimes the boy is subdued and self-controlled enough to eat slowly, other times he has tantrums. It's not impossible, but more likely he'd react one way or t'other.
"At the back of a seat" is syntactically weird. It's a seat in the mother's car - "the seat" might work better than "a seat" but I'm imagining the kid as young enough to still need a child's car seat, yeah? "At the back" is hard to visualise - is he hugging his knees, backed into the corner, what?
I really like the ending where the bag/monster takes over the narrative and I think it might be effective to have him narrate the whole story. Maybe give it a try.
Good work on capturing the boy's fear in the second paragraph, but I think you can stand to lay it on ever more thick with the fear.
Good luck with your revision!
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Aye! It seems I spent too much time writing scientific articles and way too much time without writing fiction. Thank you for pointing out the clinical feeling. I wasn't aware I was doing that.
Thank you very much for giving me some honest and helpful critique. I have food for thought for a long time, now. I was starving!
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I really like this piece, the only things I can think to critique are practical. 'backseat' probably needs a space between the words, and 'in a slow pace' would probably work better as something simpler like 'hesitantly' or 'woodenly' or something. I can't think of a better way to say what you meant there to be honest, but 'in a slow pace' doesn't seem to fit right.
Apart from that I don't really have anything to offer, that was great! Nice atmosphere.
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Overall, I like this piece very much. The narrator is shrouded in mystery - it's fun to imagine just who or what it is. The story of the little boy is tragic and rather disturbing, and that comes across really well.
I think you could cut down on some of the long words and sentences. Short, sharp and to the point would work better for this. For example, 'If the traffic wasn't so deafening' could be simplified to something like, 'If not for the traffic'. We can quite imagine that it's deafening without being told. If you want to convey just how loud it is, a shorter word would be better, I feel. The roar of the traffic is a cliché, as you well know, but something similar in size would be good. The phrase 'wishing he could control time and the four seasons' also seems a little long, and then he asks why not the world, which is really a shorter and simpler way of saying the same thing. I think just 'wishing he could control time' would work a lot better here.
In the second paragraph, you suddenly switch to past tense. I think I can see why you did it; the narrator is talking about general events, that always happen, and then about something specific. But I think it would be better to stay always in the present tense. If any writer is going to change tenses, it takes the most horrific amount of control, and I've seen professional published works (even good ones) come unstuck at moments like this.
There are a few words in the last paragraph I think could be culled; 'the shadows inhabiting it' could be just 'the shadows' - we know where they are, as you've already told us - and I don't think you need to specify 'when he's about to be alone'. That's implied. Or if you did want to keep the word 'alone' to underline the point, 'about to be' makes the sentence seem laboured. The parentheses are incongruous also - I have come not to expect them from this narrator. I think it would help a lot if you split that final long sentence in two. The closing sentence would then read well as: 'But at night, when he's alone, I suddenly become the monster underneath his bed.' (Some may question the need for the word 'suddenly' there, but personally, I rather like it.)
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Wow. You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you!!!
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The perspective is really good and I do rather like this
There were a few typos, such as the one at the start where you spell "wishes" with an extra h and a few punctuation errors, but other than that, it is excellent
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I have to say the commas always leave me puzzled. 
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It was always the same with me for semi-colons so I can sympathise xD and no worries -bows-
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Woooo, a monster under the bed 
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I wanted to do just that. I'm really happy I achieved my goal!
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