TheGlassIris [2011-04-09 08:11:13 +0000 UTC]
I think as a descriptive work of imagery it creates an adequate response in the audience's imagination. The repetition is used effectively, the scattered manner of stream-of-conscious exemplifies the slow degradation of the mind, all of which amounts to a subsequently post-modern piece of work with dark-romanticism laced within it. I recommend going all out in terms of abstract imagery when describing a situation where the subject is slowly losing their mind. Personal opinion: the ending feels choppy to me. If you were aiming for a enigmatic revelation which produces subsequent symbolism complimenting the imaginary scenario from before, it did not feel enough. The suddenness in which it was introduced blurs my interpretation of it, but that may be because I did not pay enough attention to the beginning. I like your technique though, very urban feel.
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