thewhiteslaver [2016-06-17 15:52:21 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
Just about the whole thing reeks of forced creativity. When lyrics are in print, you do not want the poeticism to fall short that way. You could redeem it by becoming a rapper, recording it with a disposable rap beat of your choosing and possibly making a million dollars. Then it would be a million dollar track. Then you can laugh at my critique all the way to the bank. Tempo would be up to you. Quicker raps are quicker to gain popularity because they are soooo impressive. Have you trained your voice to do that? I would hope so; especially if you were able to do a quick rap lucidly. Talking it slower would for sure allow listeners to hear and take note of these lyrics and think "Oh, clever."Note: "FORE" is short is short for "forewarning" when playing that sport. There are points in here where you seem to be conveying a significant and resonant message but it gets lost in the nonsense soon after. The references dropped in some stanzas fail to impress in the way they are written. The selection of culture references is also staggeringly unimpressive. Better effort could be done in this already redundant facet of lazy writing. So yes. Please become a rapper. This Google search page should be a good ore mine for that effect; just to get you started if you haven't. www.google.ca/search?q=rapper&… This could be a hit. There would be no shortage of white gangster-wannabe fops who would buy into it if it was spoken out loud in an entertaining way. When I listen to the radio, I don't just ponder what sounds good. The best songs have a real message to convey. That's where the impact comes in. I would like the impact to be positive and not just trivial pop culture jargon for people to fill their brains with. You've lost your message if there was one. It's submerged in murky blather if it's really there. I'm starting to doubt. Find your voice if this is important to you, O poet. You'll get everything you put into it and more if you draw the spark from your soul. Show us more of that and you will not fail to dazzle.
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annathecreator [2017-05-28 23:29:41 +0000 UTC]
This could be a rap XD
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Reilune In reply to annathecreator [2017-09-01 19:02:34 +0000 UTC]
That's what I was aiming for.
trappie [2016-05-05 21:47:19 +0000 UTC]
i liked reading this! its a bit of a ..let me ponder for a while story
Reilune In reply to trappie [2016-05-24 01:21:11 +0000 UTC]
Yarr Thanks!