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I Do It All Right
by-nc-nd
Published: 2003-01-09 07:49:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 3357; Favourites: 25; Downloads: 249
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Description
I was feeling cynical while having the desire to kill something. Since both are frowned in real life, here's the result of my passive aggressivness. It's about a fight in a bar onboard a space station way the hell in the future.EDIT: I fixed the last line being truncated and added spaces between the paragraphs - problems I didn't know existed - because of the story's new status as a Daily Deviation.
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Comments: 87
That is so CooL. You could write a whole novel based on just this bit. You Rock!
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Nice prose, although quick intro of the lead probably could have been left out or altered. Though here, it served its perpose. I really like the idea of the lead buying people from slavery, its like one small drop in the ocean of a bigger problem which can be explored and it gives him motivation. Its a nice contrast to his more savage side - which kind of reminded me of Richard Morgans work.
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Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately, I must confess that I'm ignorant of Richard Morgan's work.
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No prob, Richard Morgans work is okay. His books do tend to end up a bit like a tarantino film though, haha. Keep writing!!
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Having read the comments of the folks to come before me, you have clearly cleaned this up quite well since it was first posted. The third paragraph still bothers me, though; the sentences are all of one "type", and beyond that, it's an infodump. I would suggest breaking it up and throwing the hints around in other places. For example:
βWeβve already been over this, blondie,β I responded, sighing and slumping in my chair. Commercial space station chairs were all of one type -- hard and uncomfortable. βI pick people based on the harshness of what I think will happen to them. If I could save everyone I would.β You could go the galaxy over -- and humanity had -- and we'd still be a bunch of lawless ruffians. Man, I hated slavers. I picked up my drink and chugged it, buying time to organize my thoughts. Not that the aliens we'd found in the process were any better than us humans, come to that..
By moving the detail about the space station, you can make room for the detail about humans traveling the galaxy, and about there being slavery -- and add a bit of description and humor as well.
Iβm Heinrich Ungar, all around nice guy and champion of the people. That causes reward money, a lot of which I canβt use because Iβm always on the move. So when I have some extra cash I head out away from the more built-up planets, who would rather ignore the existence of slavery entirely, buy someone who the slavers kidnapped and then take them back to their home, or any place else theyβd rather go. I donβt know exactly why I do it - I think I just like the idea that I can somehow put justice into a universe without it.
Anyway, I think you see what I'm saying. The info-dump is kind of weird. It might work a little better after the introduction, but I don't think so -- I think the more you can hide it in other stuff, the better it'll work.
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Thanks for the suggestions. I'll look at my options to improve this in more detail after the model paint fumes wear off.
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Heya! The world's about to end, so I've just stopped by to give you a critique first.
As always, housekeeping first:
βWhy me?β the little blonde, Megan Voories, asked again. "The little blonde" and "Megan Voories" are both titles for the character. To have two of them back-to-back sounds clunky. I would recommend leaving it at "the little blonde" and bring her name in later--that way the reader will wonder who the little blonde is anyway.
βWeβve already been over this, blondie,β I responded, sighing and slumping in my chair. "Blondie?" Does that not sound a bit male chauvenistic? I only ask because I don't think that's how the hero is meant to come off. What I really meant to say was this is an excellent point to insert some invisible dialogue. If the word "responded" were left out, then the much smoother sentence of "I sighed and slumped in my chair" will be the result. (And fear not, the reader will still know who is speaking.)
Since humanity had used its advanced space travel ... Whoa, exposition. From this sentence, the next three paragraphs are entirely background information. I know that background is important, but I would be inclined to cut as much as possible from the beginning, then stick it in later on. The action sequences are this story's calling card, so the sooner the bullets start flying, the better this will become.
That causes reward money, alot of which I canβt use because Iβm always on the move. There should be a space in "a lot". Then again, it would sound tidier to just say "most of which".
The blast from the eight gauge shotgun plastered the wall behind us the instant we were out of the way. Plastered the wall? Does that mean their 8-gauges shoot some sort of splattering substance? Or does it mean they blew a hole in the wall? In which case, punctured, destroyed, or splintered may serve better.
βStay here,β I told the girl. βI have some old business associates to deal with.β I don't like the phrase "I told the girl." It's fairly obvious that the hero is speaking, and he's speaking to the girl, so this could easily be swapped for a little snippet of action to show the reader what's going on, eg:
"Stay here." I pushed myself off the floor. "I have some old business associates to deal with.
I removed two pistols from inside my jacket, regretting that all the heavier weaponry was onboard the ship, and sprang up to engage our attackers. This sentence borders slightly on the "too long" side of things. Also, the phrase "and sprang up to engage our attackers" is slightly stilted--it makes me think of a posh Englishman saying, "Let's have some tea, eh what me old fruit?" except that I can't think why. 
My assumption was confirmed upon seeing them more clearly... What assumption? This could be phrased more excitingly, eg: Upon seeing them more clearly, my worst suspicions were confirmed.
If the word "Tanakan" is the name of an alien race, then it should be capitalised every time it appears.
A couple of years ago I had destroyed a months shipment of their drugs and liberated a months supply of their slaves. The word "month's" should have an apostrophe (because it is a possessive adjective...or a possessive something-or-other). Also, it appears twice, and repetition is not cool. The first one could easily be left out, eg:
A couple of years ago I had destroyed a shipment of their drugs and liberated an entire month's supply of slaves.
As a result they didnβt like me. No, really? This is just a little bit too un-subtle. If you want to go for a comic feel, you could leave out the "as a result", and just go for the flat understatement: "They didn't like me much."
I fired my two Schott 8100 automatics at them, not hitting them but still keeping their heads down. "Not hitting them but still keeping their heads down." This was confusing, as I thought it had switched halfway through from talking about what the hero was doing to talking about what the aliens were doing. Try lengthening this snippet of action out, for example:
I raised my twin Schott 8100's and let fly as they dived for cover behind a stainless steel tabletop.
The detail of the hero missing them doesn't need to be written--the reader will figure that part out when the aliens jump up and come after him.
I ran into a hallway adjacent the bar; the tanakan cursed and followed me. "Ran" isn't nearly descriptive enough. Search for an action verb that will convey what the hero may be feeling at this point in time (having two hulking aliens with big guns after him). Eg, the word "ducked" gives a hint of fear, and also suggests that he is ducking wild bullets as well as ducking down a hallway.
Also, the semicolon doesn't look too good there. Perhaps a comma and connecting word, eg:
I ducked into a hallway ajacent to the bar, while the Tanakan cursed and gave chase.
I quickly found I had entered the wrong hallway; it was unoccupied and came to a dead end. Adverbs are very much out of vogue these days, and "suddenly" and "quickly" are probably the most out-of-vogue of the lot. Also, the second clause here explains the first clause--that is, the hallway is the wrong one because it's a dead end. Try and emphasise that, eg:
It soon became apparent that I had entered the wrong hallway, as this one was unoccuped and came to a dead end after twenty yards.
What the hell a hall like that was doing on a space station I had no clue. I love this humourous little insert, but the "I had no clue" at the end seems to gallop in too quickly. I don't generally advocate the use of commas, but I think one might be appropriate here, eg:
Exactly what the hell a corridor like that was doing on a space station, I had no idea.
A three round burst from Nedarβs assault rifle caught me in the back. My body armor caught it and I was flung forward. "Three round" describes the burst from the assaulte rifle; I think it should be hyphenated to show that it is one adjective, eg "three-round burst". The word "caught" appears twice in rapid succession; this is not cool. Try something like:
A three-round burst from Nedar's assault rifle caught me in the back. My body armour saved me from the bullets, but I was flung forward.
The back of her head shattered apart with a wet crunch as all of her brain save for a tiny chunk that remained attached to the nerve stem splattered across the ceiling in a spray of grey abstract art.
--euuuwww? This is entirely a matter of opinion, but that seems like entirely too much gory detail. I could live with The back of her head shattered apart with a wet crunch as her brain splattered across the ceiling.
When I re-entered the bar I found Megan sitting on the floor, back against the wall and terrified as Batta aimed the eight gauge shotgun at her as part of an interrogation. This sentence is definitely too long. "Back against the wall and terrified" doesn't read entirely smoothly; the word "terrified" could be moved to modify the name "Megan", as she is the one that is terrified. Also, the detail about interrogation isn't essential. So, this could look like:
When I re-entered the bar I found a terrified Megan sitting on the floor, back against the wall as Batta aimed the 8-gauge shotgun at her face.
I put my one pistol away... The word "my" is unnecessary--we know the pistol belongs to the hero.
I put my weapon away as I walked toward Megan. I extended my hand and helped her up off the floor. Both these sentences begin with "I". If it was poetry, that would probably be a good thing. But not so good in sci fi. Try and find a way to cut one of them out, eg:
I put my weapon away and walked toward Megan, extending my hand to help her off the floor.
βBased on what just happened, Iβm not going to ask anymore questions,β she said, her eyes wide and skin pale. Here is another moment ripe for some invisible dialogue: the reader knows that Megan is speaking, so really, it doesn't need to say "she said". For example:
"Based on what just happened, I'm not asking any more questions." Her eyes were wide and her skin pale.
βSmart girl,β I responded. Try swapping "I responded" for another piece of "showing" action, eg:
"Smart girl." I reached down and picked my battered hat up off the floor. (I'm not saying he has to have a hat, but this moment could be used to share some other small, but interesting detail about the hero.)
βWho... who were they anyway?β Megan asked, reneging on what she had just said. The word "asked" can go. For example:
"Who were they anyway?" Megan immediately reneged on what she had just said.
βI changed my mind,β she responded. βWho were they? Jilted lovers?β I snorted derisively at the thought. The word "responded" can go. No, I'm not providing an example this time.
βNo,β I responded, βThey were an entirely different kind of woman problem.β This is the third time in a small space that the word "responded" has appeared. Try swapping the "I responded" for another little action detail, eg "I started towards the door."
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*Disclaimer: all of the preceding is the opinion only of this Deviant, and as such, is not immune from the possibility of opinion, creative or blatantly grammatical error. This work belongs to you, the author, and as such, it needs to say what you want it to say.
Gah. That's all the boring housekeeping details aside. For the start of a sci fi, this works quite well. I'm a total sucker for "action first, plot later". Yes, it's in grave need of polishing, but I believe it's got the makings of a decent story, and that's what counts.
My number one suggestion would be to make this part longer; yes, the action was good, but you're going to have to weave a hint of the plot (I'm assuming there is a plot) into this part, or nobody is going to be inspired to go click on the next part. Or, if you wish to develop the plot slowly, go for a little more character--as someone else has already mentioned, there is not a great deal shown about the hero's motivations or ideals. But these are things that will make the reader fall for the character, and want to follow him through whatever mess he manages to get into next.
Hrmm. Now I think about it, that's advice I'd do well to follow myself.
Anyhoo, I did like this. You enjoy writing, and it shows. I do hope you'll go on to write lots more, and work at the craft. 
Phantom Critic
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Thanks for the critique. Yours has been the most valuable input so far, although I disagree with you on a few points. I've improved the story using some of your suggestions, though. I'd also like to thank you for not using a holier-than-thou attitude.
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You are more than welcome. I'm here to serve, not to take heads (even though taking heads is a jolly good sport 
I hope you shan't leave here with the impression that the Lit community is made up of a bunch of socially-retarded ogres. Even if we are socially-retarded ogres who know grammar.
I checked your story again, and I'm super-honoured you took some of my suggestions seriously, and glad to see that you didn't just copy/paste my examples straight in (like some Deviants I have hit 
That bit about commando rolling and sliding into the hallway made my toes curl. Bravo! :applause:
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Thanks a'plenty. The combat roll thing is quite a sign to behold first-hand. I once saw a former U.S. Ranger I knew slip on ice during a road run. Once he started to slide, he tucked into a roll and came out of it on his feet still running, and he hadn't lost his place in the formation.
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Hi. I noticed you hadn't had much in the way of a slightly longer critique, so I hope you don't mind that I give you one.
Okay, I do agree with most of what *Winterfang says in the way of punctuation marks, with two exceptions: single hyphen instead of a dash works fine for me, and I don't mind that the species names are lowercase. Oh, my mind also glossed over the "responded"s- if you do change them, change one of the last two. That's where it catches.
Next points:
"Since humanity had used its advanced space travel and tracking technology to its fullest we had discovered five galaxies. Of course, after discovering those galaxies humans and all the other intelligent species within them began spreading out to new places. With the notable exception of built-up planets and the areas surrounding them, this made lawlessness the order of the day. Part of that lawlessness was a thriving slavery business."
Okay, this paragraph bugs me a little. 
"Iβm Heinrich Ungar, all around nice guy and justice-provider. That causes reward money, alot of which I canβt use because Iβm always on the move. So when I have some extra cash I buy someone who the slavers kidnapped and then take them back to their home, or any place else theyβd rather go. I donβt know exactly why I do it - I think I just like the idea that I can somehow put justice into a universe without it."
There are ways to take reward money with you. Think expensive suits/ cigars/ fancy drinks/ jewelry/ cheap women... or for nice guys there are charities (though I suppose what he does is one, in a way) and better weapons. I suppose guns are effective, but out of several species, the only thing they come up with are guns and bullets? They don't have to shoot lasers or anything, but if you have several civilizations, they're all going to have technologies. These don't have to be distinctly separate- I mean, most, if not all, would probably have some form of knife, etc.- but they wouldn't be quite the same, either, ne?
"alot" should be 'a lot'. Heinrich isn't the author here- you are. VERY few people write like they speak (outside of dialogue), so if he WAS writing this, it'd probably sound a lot different, less 'private eye' style. To me, at least, it sounds like he's telling us the story out loud instead of writing it down.
"I was about to explain this to her in hopes that it would eliminate the βsurvivor guiltβ-type emotion she was feeling. Instead it was a better course of action to grab her as I threw myself to the floor." The "-type emotion" isn't necessary. It sounds too vague. Taking out those two words sounds better, and still gets the emotion across neatly. Also, I'd like to know what tipped him off to the fact that those sisters were there, even if this is mentioned AFTER the two have landed on the floor.
"months supply of their slaves" doesn't sound quite right to me. Personally, I'd change it to something like 'the slaves they were carrying', but that's just me.
"I quickly found I had entered the wrong hallway; it was unoccupied and came to a dead end." HE has no idea why it's there? Neither do we. This bothered me- he implies that the hallway shouldn't be there, and I think he'd know that because he travels so much. Careful with that.
"My body armor caught it and I was flung forward. As I hit the floor I decided to play dead." Okay, so you know that body armor catches blows/flings bodies forward with impact, right? Now, why wouldn't the killer, especially since there's no blood? Guns leave bullet holes and bloody wounds, don't they? I'd think a killer would know a little better than to fall for that.
"When I re-entered the bar I found Megan sitting on the floor, back against the wall and terrified as Batta aimed the eight gauge shotgun at her as part of an interrogation." Why is Megan being interrogated? If Batta hates you so much, why doesn't she just come after you? Chances are, she's never seen the girl before- why would she question her? What would she ask? Batta just wants Heinrich dead, right, rather than his life story.
"βBased on what just happened, Iβm not going to ask anymore questions,β she said, her eyes wide and skin pale." "anymore" to 'any more'
The jilted lovers bit is a little off in my mind, as well. I mean... they don't really sound human enough to... date, but that one's entirely your call.
Anyway, those are my two cents. I hope my suggestions were of some help. Good luck with your writing!
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You have a definite point about the galaxies thing, and I'm going to fix it. However, in this particular universe I made up humans are faced with the dissapointing fact that they didn't make contact with aliens until 3030 because they're the most advanced race in the neighborhood.
Depending on the clothes someone's wearing, where they're shot and what they're shot with, a bullet wound may or may not be glaringly obvious.
Why is the one alien interrogating the girl? Because she believes her sister has things under control.
The useless hallway... I don't think Ungar would have the blueprint for every commercially-built space station ever made in his head. Maybe it's a maintenance passage of some sort and it's use isn't immediately obvious?
As for Ungar's money, he's not a flashy guy. He has all the guns he needs, which brings his costs down to food, ammo and mission-specific equipment (gadgets, rental cars, etc).
Sorry if I sound a bit short. I'm very tired and it makes my sentences choppy. Thanks for the critique; I'll go about implementing changes based on it tomorrow.
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Don't worry about being short. I'm going to answer one more time, but you can leave it for later if you'd care to reply.
"dissapointing fact that they didn't make contact with aliens until 3030 because they're the most advanced race in the neighborhood."
Humans or aliens?
"Depending on the clothes someone's wearing, where they're shot and what they're shot with, a bullet wound may or may not be glaringly obvious."
Most killers would know to check, though. Also, unblinking eyes aren't the best indicator of death- I'm just saying that a trained killer would be more careful.
No, no, no, I mean, why does the girl need to be interrogated? Isn't that kind of pointless? If the guy's not dead, she should go find him, and if he is, why's she sticking around? Mission accomplished- let the girl live or die... who needs information when they've done what they wanted to do?
"The useless hallway... I don't think Ungar would have the blueprint for every commercially-built space station ever made in his head. Maybe it's a maintenance passage of some sort and it's use isn't immediately obvious?" No, but if you go to a hotel, every elevator or hallway has a purpose. If it's a maintanence passage, wouldn't it have a way to pass through it? As it is, whether or not it's immediately obvious, it just seems like a cheap device to make the situation seem more perilous. (No offense- I'm not saying that's what it IS, just what it seems like.)
"As for Ungar's money, he's not a flashy guy. He has all the guns he needs, which brings his costs down to food, ammo and mission-specific equipment (gadgets, rental cars, etc)." Then why does he fight? If justice is really his reward, why does he take the money in the first place? He doesn't seem overly concerned about freeing slaves- he does it just because it seems like something 'just'. I'd like to know WHY he's so bent on justice in the first place.
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Humans are the most technologically advanced race in the galaxy; Megan is no longer being interrogated; the hallway is simply a device; Ungar's exact motivations will be released in later parts.
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This is decent, but in my opnion it still needs a lot of work. For one thing, you have a lot going on, but a very short description of everything. You don't really describe anything- not that you need to go into great detail, but a bit of atmosphere every once in a while would be nice. Also, the fight scenes are a bit hard to follow (although I note that people have pointed that out already!) Again, expansion would be good. And the blonde... is just flat. And I would like to know what Heinrich sees when he looks at stuff. Like the tanakar. Alright, they have big buggy eyes, but I only learn that after he blows them out. Great. Other than that, what sets them apart from humans?
You seem to be suffering from the classic run-on and fragment problem, (ex: "Since humanity had used its advanced space travel and tracking technology to its fullest we had discovered five galaxies." okay, great, but apparently we lost some commas out there in space. Try "Since humanity had used its advanced space travel and tracking technology to its fullest, we had discovered five galaxies." or "Humanity had used its advanced space travel and tracking technologies to their fullest, and discovered five galaxies." The way you phrased it was clunky.) and you have a giant info-dump right in the beginning; you know, about the technologies and stuff. Try splitting it up naturally though the piece, and putting some of it into dialogue.
The main character seems to have very little motivation. You should at least hint at his motivation in his dialogue, especially if you plan to reveal more later-- it makes good foreshadowing.
Overall-- decent. Have some more detail, and work on that grammar.
About some of those earlier comments- I have no problem with slang, as you pointed out, this is from Heinrich's POV, and that's how he talks. Good job with that. And hah! I don't capitalize my alien races names either.
I apologize if that seems harsh, I'm a bit narked off at the choices Deviantart makes as for 'Prose and Poetry' Daily Deviations. They often seem to be unedited, whereas they hold the bar for other arts very high. There's no excuse not to hold writing to an equally high standard... 
Recommended stuff: You should watch Firefly-- it's NOTHING like Buffy, I swear, it's awesome, and you should read C.J. Cherryh's Chanur books (starting with The Pride of Chanur) for some the best alien races ever (warning- her writing's a little complicated sometimes, just work through it, it's worth it).
Hah, you play Warhammer 40k!! HUZZAH! 'Nids all the way, I say.
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This thing was written to release tension. I think it took me a whole two days to do it. The comments I saw seemed to say the combat WASN'T hard to follow, but I could have misread them.
As for the pacing, I think it's all right for the length of this piece. Ungar's motivations are developed more in the follow ups to this; its the beginning of a running series, not a one-off. Its meant to intrigue more than it is to explain, virtually all style and very little substance.
Sometime when I'm not tired I'll look into the comma thing some. Right now I feel the piece is fine, but that might change after some sleep.
As for Tyranids... I'm too tired to extol all the reaons they're assholes. But there's nothing wrong with them that some Alpha Legion shooters and their Predator Annihilator can't fix.
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Yeah, the 'Nids were... a bit... overpowered... this time around, although with the advent of yet ANOTHER redesign, I'm sure they'll fix it.
/sarcasm. Frankly, I just like how they look. ^_^
Ah... I didn't mean to rag on you about the comma stuff... the other things bugged me a lot more. And yeah, I understand that this is a short piece, but STYLE IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR LACK OF QUALITY. And I'm sick of hearing about it. Thank you.
Keep writing, and I'm gonna look into some of your other stuff.
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I wasn't saying it was an excuse for anything. But you'll notice a distinct difference between something someone slapped on devART on a lark and a story printed in Asimov's.
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Of course not.
I've been reading your other stuff (the Week in a Life of) and found it to suffer from many of the same problems, along with an extra smattering of cliche. ^___^
All right, I'm sorry, I think I'm taking my bad mood out on you. In any case, I suggest that you work on the stuff that I outlined earlier, and let's leave it at that.
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ummmmm ................ are you writing a book ? ? ?
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Yes, but it's military themed and happens a few hundred years before this story.
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you have that taste that gives me a feeling of a film noir .....i don't really care what time setting it is ...as a matter of fact i think it would be even cooler if it was in "good old times"
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My story "Extraction Point Cakewalk" (found at [link] ) but be something you'd enjoy, then. But then again, it might be what you're looking for at all.
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Editing:
"If I could save everyone I would.β" everyone,
"Since humanity had used its advanced space travel and tracking technology to its fullest we had discovered five galaxies." fullest,
"Of course, after discovering those galaxies humans and all the other intelligent species within them began spreading out to new places." galaxies,
"That causes reward money, alot of which I canβt use because Iβm always on the move." Not "alot", a lot. They're two separate words.
"So when I have some extra cash I buy someone who the slavers kidnapped and then take them back to their home, or any place else theyβd rather go." cash,
"I donβt know exactly why I do it - I think I just like the idea that I can somehow put justice into a universe without it." it-- Two hyphens= a dash. And that's what you want there.
"Instead it was a better course of action to grab her as I threw myself to the floor." Instead,
"My assumption was confirmed upon seeing them more clearly - Kenedar Nedar and Kenedar Batta, a set of twin sisters from the alien race known as the tanakans." clearly-- ; since it's a species, an alien race, I think that "tanakans" should be capitalized.
"A couple of years ago I had destroyed a months shipment of their drugs and liberated a months supply of their slaves." ago, ; get rid of the "had". It doesn't work here. ; month's ; month's
"As a result they didnβt like me." result,
"I fired my two Schott 8100 automatics at them, not hitting them but still keeping their heads down." get rid of that "at them". It comes out so the sentance sounds weird.
"Batta had the eight gauge shotgun and she began threading her way towards my table as Nedar got a bead on me with her assault rifle." shotgun,
"I ran into a hallway adjacent the bar; the tanakan cursed and followed me." Again with the capitalization of "tanankan"
"What the hell a hall like that was doing on a space station I had no clue." station,
"A three round burst from Nedarβs assault rifle caught me in the back." three-round
"As I hit the floor I decided to play dead." floor,
"I jammed one barrel into each of her big, black bug-like eyes and pulled both triggers." black,
"When I re-entered the bar I found Megan sitting on the floor, back against the wall and terrified as Batta aimed the eight gauge shotgun at her as part of an interrogation." bar,
"I put my one pistol away then proceeded to blow out the back of both the alienβs knees in rapid succession with the other." away,
"I raised my weapon again and shot her twice in the body and once in the head, just like they had trained me to do in the army." "torso" would work better than "body". Far better.
"βWho... who were they anyway?β Megan asked, reneging on what she had just said." they,
"βNo,β I responded, βThey were an entirely different kind of woman problem.β" Either responded. OR they
/Editing.
And, at the end, you use three "responded"s. Three. Two in a row, with only a measly "asked" separating them from the third. GET A THESAURUS.
Overall, a nice little story.
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Since this is written from the viewpoint of the character, and the character isn't an English major, words like "alot" have a place here.
I always use one dash to hyphenate, because that choice of typeface simply makes the words look "faster," which is exaclty what I want to do here.
In my science fiction writings - at least in this universe - species names for aliens are not capitalized for the very simple reason that species like "giraffe" and "human" aren't capitalized. So, tanakans it is, and later on there will even be lokar characters in the story.
As for my comma use, my sentences are grammatically correct in that regard. It's a stylistic thing - commas indicate pauses in a sentence, and Heinrich Ungar doesn't speak in commas. And I don't write with many commas when I want to give the feeling of constant movement.
As for word choice, that's how the character, whose viewpoint the story is given from, speaks.
I'll probably polish up the back-and-forth questioning at the end; writing exchanges like those has never been my strong suit. Does the thesaurus built into Microsoft Word count?
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No, they don't. Slang's fine, but "alot" isn't slang. You don't have to be an English major-- hell, you don't have to be out of fourth grade!-- to know that "alot" isn't the way that's written. Your character's not an idiot-- don't make him sound like one.
And you use one hyphen to dash. And I'm sorry, but it just makes it look amatuerish.
Okay, I can accept the not-capitalizing thing. I wan't too sure on the matter, but I thought I'd mention it and then let you decide.
Yeah...no. Those sentanced are not correct. I can appreciate the lack of pause, but if you're going to do that, use shorter sentances. And I have a story myself, Dhrakw [link] Lot's of commas in there-- now what would you say that pace of it is? Certainly not slow. Try reading it in a half-breathless whisper.
Ummm...did I question your wordchoice beyond the repetitiveness of the "responded"s? You do need to change at least one of the two at the end. Otherwise it gives a sort of "ick" sensation to a reader. Well, maybe not to all readers...but some. I suppose the thesaurus in Microsoft Word counts...but you'd be better off with a real one, I'd think.
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I must say that your editing of ~retlaw 's work is well appreciated, yet quite arrogant. Perhaps you should drop a few of your English classes and replace them with etiquette instruction. Without writing style, writers become lost within a system of rules and regulations that can restrain the thought process.
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I admit, yes, looking back that the tone of the second post is more on the rude side, and perhaps I should have phrased it in nicer terms. I might have been having a bad day or...pfft. I don't know. It was a year ago, nearly. In any case, yea, I can agree that the tone was rather arrogant. That wasn't my intention. I was merely trying to offer my take on it.
Writers don't have to get lost within rules and regulations. They just need to work within them to best present their ideas. I understand that certain stylistic liberties can be taken, but if they're not conveying what you intended them to to the reader, why bother?
(As a little unimportant side-note: I don't take English classes beyond those the government requires me to take.)
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My comma placement doesn't break any English rules, and my hyphenation is stylistic. The non-word "alot" can go either way, but I know several highly intelligent people who aren't very good at writing and would make common mistakes like that. Ungar is telling a story, perhaps to someone he met at a bar; this isn't a diary entry.
I should rephrase the bit about commas slightly. Commas make the reader pause no matter the pace of the story, and can be used in a variety of ways to set the pacing. As a matter of fact, in the first sentence of the story you linked to I would change the placement of the second comma to after the word "tattered", (comma placed outside of the quotes on purpose) as it's current placing makes the thing seem to hiccup. Our disagreement over comma placement could be dialectic, however; being from Canada, I'd imagine you follow the British conventions of English.
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I have no idea if I follow the British conventions of English or not. Perhaps it is dialectic, perhaps not. I don't think so, though. It's more stylistic. Yours is loose (to me, amateurish), and mine is formal and more rigid.
I will leave you alone on the commas business. "Alot", however, is "a lot" and only "a lot".
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Wow, honest hardcore editing. Don't get that every day. You're a lucky guy, Retlaw. Everyone can benefit a lot from a couple editing runs, especially from outside perspectives. Your story is exciting and the characters show promise. Most of WinterFang's points are valid, and would improve the presentability of your story.
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I can't critique that well, so I edit.
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Excellent. A real critique is always great, but so is real editing by someone who knows English well. I'm pretty serious about proper English too, so I can relate. Anyway, I was just impressed by how much work you put into it.
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Yeah, proper English is great. It bugs me when people who should know how to use it don't. But it doesn't take too much effort. Just time. Usually a half-hour/hour will work for most pieces. And occasionally you're lucky enough to come across pieces like the ones BlackRibbons writes, where you need about two minutes.
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Yeah it just looks amateurish, as you said. Makes me wince. BlackRibbons? I'll check it out . Hey, since you asked in your sig, I have this piece I've been trying to perfect. I've edited it thoroughly, but you never know, might have missed something. Check it out sometime if you'd like
[link]
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Sure-- I'll take a look at the piece. Actually, few people ask for edits, but when they do, I'm always sure to do it. Yes, I know all about the "might have missed"s. Besides, people write differently, and think differently. New perspectives are good.
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Quite true. It's always fascinating to me to hear what other people see in my work. Thanks
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Ha! I had a blast reading this. (No pun intended. Honestly.) Everything is well-described, the setting is made clear, but you get into the action early, so the pace is just right. Actually, I really have no suggestions, except...maybe...write a follow-up? Heh. 
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I have three other parts of it in my gallery and am working on another.
Nice sig, by the way.
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Yay, I'll be sure to check them out.
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And I fucking Love Sci fi mixed with Westerns.
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Ooh yea! I Like this! Short, Brutal and Sweet.
Great descriptivness.
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Thanks. That was my plan all along.
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Whoo! Keep on writing, this was great!
I think my favorite part was paragraph five, just before the action really started. I'm not really sure why, but it kind of gave me more insight into his character than when he was actually talking about himself. Maybe it's because he chose what we got to hear when he was introducing himself, but it's a little less impersonal when he's talking about someone else. And maybe I overanalyze things.
Anyway, keep up the good work!
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It's a technique called "false narrator." It means that what a character says, or how they perceive things, is not necessarily the truth.
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I'll have to find my piece on a Warhammer 40,000 battle I wrote a while ago, and improve it. Do you play the Table Top version, and what army do you use?
Also, thanks for the advice. I kind of guess the "don't be too original" suggestion, since I have seen and felt a lot of sci-fi stuff is influence by and mixed with other stuff. Theres a little Ghost in the Shell in The Matrix, as I say. The second piece of advice I haven't thought about much, but have realised. Firefly is a great Sci-fi program that mixes the Wild West feel, and Lexx has that 1984 cult feel to it, although I'm not sure why...
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I play 40k on the table top, although I also have Dawn of War and the Epic-system inspired Final Liberation for the computer. I play a company of Chaos Space Marines I called the Dreadmarines using Alpha Legion rules. I have a vague idea for an entire book about them (talk about extreme fluff!) but it would probably resemble real writing too much for GW's Black Library to publish it. What kind of army do you have?
Lexx, for some reason, always reminded me off a Kids in the Hall skit and some of the more risque drawings in Mad Magazine, but with the humor of both intentionally removed. I never really watched Firefly, because I was turned-off by the fact it was made by the same guy who did Buffy.
As for being original, it never did me much good. My first idea for my book, Chrome Warriors, came to me when I was nine. Aside from a lack of fighting robots and weakling good-guy bosses, the idea was functionally identical to Power Rangers... which appeared on television two years later. I then shifted the idea as I matured, came up with all kinds of original combat systems and whatnot... and then after reading Starship Troopers, realized I had re-invented powered armor without a mobile infantry component. So, instead of starting over, I simply improved the idea to make it more distinctly my own. Remember, literature deals with specifics, and you can do things that have been done a thousand times before very well just so long as you make yours different.
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That rules! I love your style - gothic and blunt yet enthralling, like the Warhammer 40,000 universe. I like the way you carry the gunfight through so it doesn't seem contrived but is still easy to follow. Keep up the good work!
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