HOME | DD

Description
The History of Tom Toe

Merlin the magician often used to travel about as a poor beggar and one day being very tired, he stopped at the cottage of a ploughman to rest and asked for some food. Of course he could have easily magicked himself up some food but he was obviously just a lazy git of a magician, with rather weird ideas.

The ploughman welcomed Merlin into his humble abode and his wife, who was a very good-hearted woman, soon brought him some milk in a wooden bowl, and some coarse brown bread on a platter.

Merlin scoffed down the food and he could not help noticing that though everything was neat and comfortable in the cottage, the couple seemed to be very unhappy. This was mainly because several other magicians, posing as beggars had visited that same day and thus the couple’s larder was now bare. However, they were too polite to tell Merlin this, and when he questioned why they had such long faces, they lied and said it was because they had no children.

The poor woman said, tearfully (she was a good actress) “I should be the happiest creature in the world if I had a son; although if he was no bigger than my husband’s thumb, I would be satisfied.” However, the husband’s thumb was diseased due to some sort of infection and it had grown into a deformed monstrosity eight foot in length. When the husband slept, he had to open the window next to him to hang the thumb out, otherwise it would have crushed him in his sleep. Merlin could not help noticing the thumb, which actually had its own armchair and suggested that perhaps the couple would be content if the child was actually no bigger than the ploughman’s toe.

And so Tom Toe was born (not to be confused with Tonto who was an American Indian). And at this point Merlin confessed who he really was, though the couple guessed as much when they saw a little lad materialise in front of their eyes after Merlin had uttered some magic words. The ploughman’s wife viewed the little lad dispassionately and wished she hadn’t lied about wanting a child. Now they would have to find even more food to feed the little runt.

Tom Toe was naked, so Merlin asked the fairies to dress him. And when they had finished dressing Tom, he looked like a right little pansy. Fairies have no dress sense, whatsoever, and they had garbed him in velvet leggings and a velvet topcoat in various shades of purple and maroon.

The magician left the ploughman’s house and the years rolled by.

As Tom got older he became very mischievous and raided his friends’ schoolbags to steal their cherry stones. Wicked boy! One lad who had his cherry stones stolen several times, decided to punch Tom in his little face and then squash him underfoot. He then set fire to Tom with a match and gauged one of his eyes out. That would teach him never to steal cherry stones again! Later that day, what was left of Tom fell in his mother’s batter pudding mix. (It just wasn’t his day!) He got boiled in the pudding and when he emerged from it, with currants in his ears and a sultana in the socket left from the gauged eye, he felt quite upset. Also it seemed, it turned him off batter pudding completely and he never ate one from that day forward.

After more misfortunes such as this, Tom decided to seek his fortune and went to see King Arthur, who was very much amused by the small lad and he gave him a job as Court jester: a job that was coveted by many. Ah, sad were the faces of those who were interviewed for this job and turned away – it seemed they were ‘jest not suitable’.

Tom then spent his days fooling around and getting paid for it! He danced funny jigs, sang rude songs, blew raspberries at the most dignified members of the Court, and other such antics, which reduced the King to helpless, uncontrolled – and almost insane laughter! One day after a particularly prolonged bout of laughter, the King really did go mad and had to be locked away in one of his own dungeons. A new King took the throne, though where he took it to was never discovered. However, a large pumpkin was found by one of King Arthur’s knights, who happened to be a part-time pumpkin collector, and this was given to the new King, who then sat on it. His Royal Majesty then became known as a PumpKing, which actually sounded quite rude!

However, the new King did not appear to possess a sense of humor, so Tom Toe fell from favour and was slung into the dungeon next to the Kings. The pair of them tried to communicate by morse code but unfortunately it had not yet been invented, so they were left to their own devices and all they had to look forward to, was the meals brought to them by a sour-faced jailer. Most days the menu consisted of bread and water but on Sundays a special batter pudding was served, which of course Tom refused as it brought back terrible memories.

As time passed Tom and the King adapted to their new situation and tried to make the best of things. The King grew a beard and admired himself in his little dungeon mirror and Tom told himself jokes and for a while both of them were reasonably content. Then one day the King’s beard became so long he tripped over it and smashed his head to pieces on the hard dungeon floor and on the same day, a really large spider, that had been tortured by the previous court jesters decided to take his revenge on little Tom. It breathed on the little lad, thus paralysing him, then spun a sticky web round him, so that all Tom’s orifices were sealed up. He was unable to wee, poo or breathe, so of course he died. And unfortunately, he didn’t even have the dignity of a decent funeral because the king’s cat, Ricky, found his body and ate him.

A plaque was erected to Tom in the Royal palace which read:

What a nasty way to go,
for the lad – name of Tom Toe,
A ghastly death
by spider breath
and bound by web real sticky.
There was nothing left to bury
as was eaten by our Ricky.

Description
The History of Tom Toe

Merlin the magician often used to travel about as a poor beggar and one day being very tired, he stopped at the cottage of a ploughman to rest and asked for some food. Of course he could have easily magicked himself up some food but he was obviously just a lazy git of a magician, with rather weird ideas.

The ploughman welcomed Merlin into his humble abode and his wife, who was a very good-hearted woman, soon brought him some milk in a wooden bowl, and some coarse brown bread on a platter.

Merlin scoffed down the food and he could not help noticing that though everything was neat and comfortable in the cottage, the couple seemed to be very unhappy. This was mainly because several other magicians, posing as beggars had visited that same day and thus the couple’s larder was now bare. However, they were too polite to tell Merlin this, and when he questioned why they had such long faces, they lied and said it was because they had no children.

The poor woman said, tearfully (she was a good actress) “I should be the happiest creature in the world if I had a son; although if he was no bigger than my husband’s thumb, I would be satisfied.” However, the husband’s thumb was diseased due to some sort of infection and it had grown into a deformed monstrosity eight foot in length. When the husband slept, he had to open the window next to him to hang the thumb out, otherwise it would have crushed him in his sleep. Merlin could not help noticing the thumb, which actually had its own armchair and suggested that perhaps the couple would be content if the child was actually no bigger than the ploughman’s toe.

And so Tom Toe was born (not to be confused with Tonto who was an American Indian). And at this point Merlin confessed who he really was, though the couple guessed as much when they saw a little lad materialise in front of their eyes after Merlin had uttered some magic words. The ploughman’s wife viewed the little lad dispassionately and wished she hadn’t lied about wanting a child. Now they would have to find even more food to feed the little runt.

Tom Toe was naked, so Merlin asked the fairies to dress him. And when they had finished dressing Tom, he looked like a right little pansy. Fairies have no dress sense, whatsoever, and they had garbed him in velvet leggings and a velvet topcoat in various shades of purple and maroon.

The magician left the ploughman’s house and the years rolled by.

As Tom got older he became very mischievous and raided his friends’ schoolbags to steal their cherry stones. Wicked boy! One lad who had his cherry stones stolen several times, decided to punch Tom in his little face and then squash him underfoot. He then set fire to Tom with a match and gauged one of his eyes out. That would teach him never to steal cherry stones again! Later that day, what was left of Tom fell in his mother’s batter pudding mix. (It just wasn’t his day!) He got boiled in the pudding and when he emerged from it, with currants in his ears and a sultana in the socket left from the gauged eye, he felt quite upset. Also it seemed, it turned him off batter pudding completely and he never ate one from that day forward.

After more misfortunes such as this, Tom decided to seek his fortune and went to see King Arthur, who was very much amused by the small lad and he gave him a job as Court jester: a job that was coveted by many. Ah, sad were the faces of those who were interviewed for this job and turned away – it seemed they were ‘jest not suitable’.

Tom then spent his days fooling around and getting paid for it! He danced funny jigs, sang rude songs, blew raspberries at the most dignified members of the Court, and other such antics, which reduced the King to helpless, uncontrolled – and almost insane laughter! One day after a particularly prolonged bout of laughter, the King really did go mad and had to be locked away in one of his own dungeons. A new King took the throne, though where he took it to was never discovered. However, a large pumpkin was found by one of King Arthur’s knights, who happened to be a part-time pumpkin collector, and this was given to the new King, who then sat on it. His Royal Majesty then became known as a PumpKing, which actually sounded quite rude!

However, the new King did not appear to possess a sense of humor, so Tom Toe fell from favour and was slung into the dungeon next to the Kings. The pair of them tried to communicate by morse code but unfortunately it had not yet been invented, so they were left to their own devices and all they had to look forward to, was the meals brought to them by a sour-faced jailer. Most days the menu consisted of bread and water but on Sundays a special batter pudding was served, which of course Tom refused as it brought back terrible memories.

As time passed Tom and the King adapted to their new situation and tried to make the best of things. The King grew a beard and admired himself in his little dungeon mirror and Tom told himself jokes and for a while both of them were reasonably content. Then one day the King’s beard became so long he tripped over it and smashed his head to pieces on the hard dungeon floor and on the same day, a really large spider, that had been tortured by the previous court jesters decided to take his revenge on little Tom. It breathed on the little lad, thus paralysing him, then spun a sticky web round him, so that all Tom’s orifices were sealed up. He was unable to wee, poo or breathe, so of course he died. And unfortunately, he didn’t even have the dignity of a decent funeral because the king’s cat, Ricky, found his body and ate him.

A plaque was erected to Tom in the Royal palace which read:

What a nasty way to go,
for the lad – name of Tom Toe,
A ghastly death
by spider breath
and bound by web real sticky.
There was nothing left to bury
as was eaten by our Ricky.