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the-beastie — Can't you hear it?

Published: 2005-04-04 14:14:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 3119; Favourites: 33; Downloads: 109
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Description Can’t you hear it?

You were dead before the day had even begun,
but you never could have known it.

C   r     a      c        k

Broken
in seven places, they told me afterwards.


---


There was a stale taste in the air
as we set out,
though at the time I wouldn’t have taken any notice of it.
Those fresh leather seats seemed so…
                                                               inviting.

We both knew we were well above the limits:
all of them.
Too fast, too high and too intoxicated.

And somewhere along the way,

                                                          time stopped.

For a fleeting moment there was silence,
and it roared in my ears louder than anything
I had ever heard before.
Did you hear it, too?

I saw it before it happened;
my nails dug into that fresh, clean leather
and I recoiled, looked at you –
saw your proud smile die in an instant
as you lunged back, your gentle neck breaking
the silence…

C   r     a      c        k

But time is dragging back again now,
and this is the part that haunts me
          every
             lonely
                 night.

Soon the sirens and cars and crowds
will sound their forceful clatter,
and I will hear them, but do nothing
because all I see is

you, slumped forward.
Please stop leaning on the wheel,
can’t you hear the car horn blaring?
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Comments: 137

IsabellaMichel [2008-10-06 00:17:29 +0000 UTC]

Oh wow. Really nice last two lines. O____o It just pulled everything together. Wonderful.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Little-Leprechaun [2008-04-11 12:46:39 +0000 UTC]

I really love this, so well written, and your choice of words is amazing too. I like how you seperated some words for emphasis, and I especially like how you wrote 'every lonely night' descending like that.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

zephyr-baby [2007-04-20 18:50:17 +0000 UTC]

this is a very awesome poem. i'm the president of my local Students Against Drunk Driving chapter, and this is a poem I would love to use.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to zephyr-baby [2007-04-21 10:56:05 +0000 UTC]

Thank you. How would you be 'using' it?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zephyr-baby In reply to the-beastie [2007-04-25 00:37:40 +0000 UTC]

it would be made into a poster. if i could. i would credit you of course. if you wanted to make your own and submit it to SADD or MADD, that would be extremely awesome of you (see how i shameless promote my cause)

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to zephyr-baby [2007-04-25 15:41:19 +0000 UTC]

Unfortunately I don't have the artistic talent that would be required to make any sort of poster... I suppose you can if you want to, as long as you're not planning on using it for commercial purposes. :]

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zephyr-baby In reply to the-beastie [2007-04-25 17:19:55 +0000 UTC]

no it would be just one poster used in my school. if i made it, i would let you see it and get your permission and give you credit before i used it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to zephyr-baby [2007-04-25 18:25:40 +0000 UTC]

Ok, sounds fine to me

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

sumarlegur [2007-04-09 04:22:08 +0000 UTC]

That is very impressive.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to sumarlegur [2007-04-09 10:51:30 +0000 UTC]

Glad you think so :]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

TheFavoritesProject [2007-04-09 04:17:28 +0000 UTC]

Your piece has been favorited by the new Favorites Project! Congrats!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to TheFavoritesProject [2007-04-09 10:51:14 +0000 UTC]

Why thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

TheFavoritesProject In reply to the-beastie [2007-04-09 15:12:36 +0000 UTC]

You are very welcome! This poem is my (PunknEra's) personal favorite, so I'm glad several others voted for it!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

niper [2006-07-19 11:00:45 +0000 UTC]

I've been in a horrible car wreck before myself, and this was a terrifying and very well done poem. Great job

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to niper [2006-07-19 18:25:49 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! it's nice to see that some of my older work is still appreciated. :]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

spacegirl92 [2006-07-08 04:54:10 +0000 UTC]

wow! amazing! i think i could hear it, you described everything so well. brilliant!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to spacegirl92 [2006-07-08 09:01:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you, I'm glad some of my older poetry is still appreciated. :]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Xbxg32000 [2005-12-16 01:43:48 +0000 UTC]

Very nicely written. I love the ending, it ties up the entire poem very smoothly. I believe that you missed an n for never over here:

I had never heard before.
Did you hear it, too?

I am not sure if it's supposed to be never or not, but just thought that I'd point that out to you. Great job on this! .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to Xbxg32000 [2005-12-16 18:43:36 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for the comment and favourite :]

That word is supposed to be 'ever' rather than 'never', if you look at the previous line, the enjambment is places so that you read right through:
"and it roared in my ears louder than anything
I had ever heard before."

"anything I had never heard before" would make sense, but it would be poor grammar.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your input.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Xbxg32000 In reply to the-beastie [2005-12-16 20:03:35 +0000 UTC]

Ah yes, that's why I wasn't so sure about it. And it was my pleasure reading it .

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Shna [2005-12-07 12:39:35 +0000 UTC]

wow, u don't think this is awesome? I guess I should tell ya it's for sure!

Well done

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to Shna [2005-12-07 19:07:34 +0000 UTC]

hehe, thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

predictariot [2005-11-15 23:24:41 +0000 UTC]

This is wonderful.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to predictariot [2005-11-16 18:50:50 +0000 UTC]

glad you think so :]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

EveryNextDream [2005-10-28 19:22:22 +0000 UTC]

Oh wow, this is truly amazing. It gave me chills when I read it...so graphic in it's descriptions and so beautiful.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to EveryNextDream [2005-10-28 21:52:08 +0000 UTC]

Thank you for your comment and the favourite, I'm glad you liked it!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

EmilyStrange21 [2005-08-25 22:00:19 +0000 UTC]

Well, I realize why this is your more favourited; the majority of poetry these days is negative and you handle the subject matter better than the average angsty poet.

as everyone, I also enjoy the spacing technique on the word 'crack'.

I really like where you said that all you see is 'you, slumped forward'. That paints a bit of a haunting, awkward picture. Welp, I'll congradulate you on the 25 faves you recieved for this poem, they were deserved.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to EmilyStrange21 [2005-08-26 11:13:04 +0000 UTC]

Thank you I'm always hesitant about submitting something out-of-the-ordinary for me, so I was nervous about how this one would be received. I'm glad I got the message across without sounding like an angsty emo poet. Thanks again

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

alphie0216 [2005-08-24 19:46:06 +0000 UTC]

Wow. i really like it. ilike the vantage point you wrote it from, speaking to the person at the wheel specifically. i like can't you hear it. it is creepy and kinda gross, the cracking of bones breaking. well written. great style!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to alphie0216 [2005-08-24 19:47:19 +0000 UTC]

thanks for your input, glad you liked it

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

hexbox [2005-08-17 18:40:44 +0000 UTC]

wow...very moving. i'm not much a poet, but this is beautiful. i'm faving it for sure.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to hexbox [2005-08-17 18:43:38 +0000 UTC]

Why thank you! I'm glad you liked it, and I appreciate the favourite.

I'm really sorry for the huge amount of spam some genious left up at the top of this deviation. -.- It really slows down the loading, and manages to crash some computers. I hope it didn't bother you, anyway.

Thanks again.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Alisonia [2005-08-17 17:41:43 +0000 UTC]

I keep coming back & reading & re-reading this piece.

It's brilliant.

The way you space out the CRACK is just -

poetic perfection.

I can hear it, feel it, fear it.




You need to consider submitting this to MADD (mothers against drunk driving) or some organization of the sort, pehaps they would purchse user right from you for an ad campaign?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to Alisonia [2005-08-17 18:10:31 +0000 UTC]

Oh, thank you so much! I'm flattered you think so, it makes me glow happy-bright.

I'd never thought of submitting this to such an organization...thank you for the suggestion, I may well look into that!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

CadoAngelus [2005-08-05 13:25:29 +0000 UTC]

I really enjoyed this one.... okay, that makes me sound like a sicko well, anyways, i dont know how you can write with a structure, i find it impossible congrats on the great work

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to CadoAngelus [2005-08-05 13:40:43 +0000 UTC]

Hehe, I'm glad you liked it. It was one of my first experiments with horror/macabre so I was a bit nervous about how it would be received, but most people seem to like it. Thanks again!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

sweetheart18 [2005-08-04 19:55:21 +0000 UTC]

Incredible poem. The style and structure of the poem gives the poem such power and personality. Your descriptions and word usage create a vivid picture.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to sweetheart18 [2005-08-04 20:41:30 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for your comment! I'm glad you liked the structure, it was my first time trying out this form. I may well have a go at another one like it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

nerdyglam [2005-07-23 00:47:11 +0000 UTC]

We both knew we were well above the limits:
all of them.
Too fast, too high and too intoxicated.
This is my favorite line.

I'm not sure I like the ending though. To me, it isn't up to par with the rest of the poem.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to nerdyglam [2005-07-23 16:20:44 +0000 UTC]

thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate every ounce of critique I can get! :]

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

VampireButterflyMel [2005-07-22 21:43:32 +0000 UTC]

Such a sad story... I like the way you typed it to emphasize your writing, one of the best I've read from the thread

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to VampireButterflyMel [2005-07-22 21:47:14 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I really appreciate your kind comment and the +fav

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

VampireButterflyMel In reply to the-beastie [2005-07-22 21:49:40 +0000 UTC]

you're welcome

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

pendulumpiece [2005-07-21 08:17:13 +0000 UTC]

toot went the favourite burger

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to pendulumpiece [2005-07-21 14:06:51 +0000 UTC]

heheh, why thank you

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Alisonia [2005-07-20 20:35:52 +0000 UTC]

fucking awesome.

so powerful.

a definite fav.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to Alisonia [2005-07-20 21:13:58 +0000 UTC]

wow, thank you! for the comment that made me glow happy-bright, and the +fav

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

chuuko [2005-06-29 13:12:51 +0000 UTC]

I love how the plot flows with the imagery.
Also, until the very end, I thought that the speaker was on a leather couch. If you don't mind that misperception, then niether do I- but if you find it neccessary for me to be in a car at the beginning, then that wouldn't take away from the surprise, since nobody thinks about these kinds of endings anyway.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

the-beastie In reply to chuuko [2005-06-29 13:16:15 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the comments I never actually realised that the leather seats might be misinterpreted. Wow, thank you for pointing that one out! I think I'll keep it how it is for the moment, I quite like the surprise. If I ever revise this, I will most definately keep that in mind.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

phr3ak000000000 [2005-06-26 17:06:08 +0000 UTC]

I really like this, and as a writer myself i somehow find it hard to read a lot of modern poetry... but yours is different in a very good way. your structure is outstanding and the flow of it is very well done. i think there is only good things to say about this writing. well done!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1


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