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Description

Gamzee heard the bus scream out of the driveway, smash the mailbox across the street, and clank off into the distance. This was mildly irritating, and he turned up the volume on the episode of Uranus and Jupiter he was watching. He laughed at Uranus's drunken antics, took a hearty swill of Faygo, and reflected that today was a good day, largely forgetting the fact that Nepeta had bitten his leg earlier.

Then the doorbell rang. Gamzee didn't react. It rang again. Gamzee, again, did nothing. Whoever was ringing the bell then decided to hammer the button repeatedly.

Kanaya called from upstairs: "Gamzee, can you get that?"

Gamzee mumbled something in response and heaved himself up and stumbled over to the door, fumbled with the handle, and opened the door to see an overweight man with a bulbous nose, thick glasses, and an embarrassing combover, breathing heavily. Next to him was a small child, maybe around seven Terran solar sweeps old.

"Can you..." the man wheezed in a nasally voice, "...take care of...of my son while I go...to Home Depot and buy...a new mailbox? The...the neighborhood inspection is...is..." He coughed, "is today."

Gamzee stared directly past the man and smiled. "Sure, my motherfuckin' motherfucker. I'll watch the motherfuck out of him."

The man only noticed the word 'sure.' He wheezed a hasty "thanks," shoved his son inside, and waddled back across the street.

Gamzee closed the door and looked at the kid. The kid stared back. Gamzee started back back. The kid stared back back back. Eventually: "well, shit, don't be so quiet. What's your name?"

The child quietly mumbled "Brady."

"Well, fuck, that's a good name." He held out his Faygo bottle. "Want some Faygo?"

Brady shook his head. "Food."

"Well, come on, then. Let's go get some mad snacks, yo."

------

"Man," Gamzee stood in the kitchen, Brady at the table, "Kanaya locked all the motherfuckin' cabinets again. Kanaya!" Gamzee stumbled into the house's entry hall and shouted up the stairs, "Kanaya! Kanaya!"

Kanaya called down from her room, "I have told you, Gamzee, I am bandaging Feferi's wounds. Now, what is it?"

"Why are the cabinets locked?"

"Because ever since the casserole incident it's been decided it is for the best that you do not cook."

"Oh, yeah." Gamzee grinned in remembrance of the Triple Cheese Chocolate Syrup Funnyun Casserole. That one was a keeper. Terezi even managed to hold it down for a full seventeen minutes! "Well, can you unlock them?"

"Why should I do that?"

"Because this motherfuckin' motherfucker over here is in some dire need of some eats, man."

"Gamzee, remember what I have told you about being more specific. Who?"

"Brady. He's in the kitchen."

"Brady?" By now, Kanaya was walking down the stairs.

"Yeah, that kid." Gamzee pointed into the kitchen, where Brady was making engine noises and swinging around a salt shaker.

Kanaya followed Gamzee's finger. Her eyes bulged. "Gamzee! Wha-where did he come from?"

"Oh, the fat guy with the yapbeast from across the street came over here and said something about a mailbox, and then he left Brady here, and I think I agreed to watch the motherfucker."

Kanaya bustled into the kitchen, completely ignoring Gamzee. At last, after many sweeps, she finally had something to genuinely mother. "Hello. My name is Kanaya. You are Brady?"

Brady nodded. "I hungry."

Kanaya unlocked the pantry with a key from her pocket. "Well, I will see what we have. Most of us just left on a grocery run, so we probably will not have-"

In the back, dusty corner of the pantry lurked a dozen boxes of generic brand macaroni and cheese.

"It appears we have macaroni."

"Mac 'n cheese! Mac 'n cheese!"

Kanaya cringed. No. Don't let him wear you down this easily. Be strong. Think of Equius. Or, better yet, just think of how strong he is, and not actually Equius, because he's sort of creepy. "Okay. Let me see..." She took a box. "Oh, I can do this. I have made pot roasts. I have baked cakes. I have allowed broths to simmer until just the right time. I can make instant ramen with fake cheese."

"Mac 'n cheese!"

"Yes, yes. Gamzee." Gamzee snapped out of staring at his reflection in a dirty spoon. "Take him while I prepare this."

"Fuck, what am I supposed to do?"

"I do not know. Find something. Entertain him."

"I hear ya. Come on Brady. Let's go chill."

------

Gamzee and Brady sat in Gamzee's respiteblock, which was littered with horns, empty bottles of Faygo, dirty clothes, and random trash. The walls were plastered with Clowns of a Grim Persuasion Which May not be in Full Possession of Their Mental Faculties poster, which Brady commented were mildly unsettling. They were kicking it pretty harsh to a song about magnets when Terezi kicked open the door.

"Kanaya tells me we have a guest!"

"What the bitchtits is up, Terezi? This here is Brady." Gamzee gestured. "He's the kid from the house across the street!"

Terezi thought. "That one with the yapbeast?"

"You motherfuckin' got it!" Gamzee leaned back and guzzled half a bottle of Faygo. Man, friendship, what a motherfucking miracle, and the way this Faygo tasted so good, and how the fuck did it do that hissing thing, that's a miracle, too, and how oxygen deprivation was causing him to black out. But it was cool. In fact, it was beautiful. So beautiful. Life is beautiful.

By the time Gamzee removed the bottle from his mouth and regained a rudimentary sense of awareness, he realized that, holy damn, he had spaced out again. Terezi was gone, and so was Brady. This did not bother Gamzee until he realized Terezi had just run off with the neighbor's kid.

"Aw, motherfuck." Gamzee stood and wobbled as his blood rushed from his head. "Woah..." The feeling made him utter a low giggle as he ambled down the hallway.

Description

Gamzee heard the bus scream out of the driveway, smash the mailbox across the street, and clank off into the distance. This was mildly irritating, and he turned up the volume on the episode of Uranus and Jupiter he was watching. He laughed at Uranus's drunken antics, took a hearty swill of Faygo, and reflected that today was a good day, largely forgetting the fact that Nepeta had bitten his leg earlier.

Then the doorbell rang. Gamzee didn't react. It rang again. Gamzee, again, did nothing. Whoever was ringing the bell then decided to hammer the button repeatedly.

Kanaya called from upstairs: "Gamzee, can you get that?"

Gamzee mumbled something in response and heaved himself up and stumbled over to the door, fumbled with the handle, and opened the door to see an overweight man with a bulbous nose, thick glasses, and an embarrassing combover, breathing heavily. Next to him was a small child, maybe around seven Terran solar sweeps old.

"Can you..." the man wheezed in a nasally voice, "...take care of...of my son while I go...to Home Depot and buy...a new mailbox? The...the neighborhood inspection is...is..." He coughed, "is today."

Gamzee stared directly past the man and smiled. "Sure, my motherfuckin' motherfucker. I'll watch the motherfuck out of him."

The man only noticed the word 'sure.' He wheezed a hasty "thanks," shoved his son inside, and waddled back across the street.

Gamzee closed the door and looked at the kid. The kid stared back. Gamzee started back back. The kid stared back back back. Eventually: "well, shit, don't be so quiet. What's your name?"

The child quietly mumbled "Brady."

"Well, fuck, that's a good name." He held out his Faygo bottle. "Want some Faygo?"

Brady shook his head. "Food."

"Well, come on, then. Let's go get some mad snacks, yo."

------

"Man," Gamzee stood in the kitchen, Brady at the table, "Kanaya locked all the motherfuckin' cabinets again. Kanaya!" Gamzee stumbled into the house's entry hall and shouted up the stairs, "Kanaya! Kanaya!"

Kanaya called down from her room, "I have told you, Gamzee, I am bandaging Feferi's wounds. Now, what is it?"

"Why are the cabinets locked?"

"Because ever since the casserole incident it's been decided it is for the best that you do not cook."

"Oh, yeah." Gamzee grinned in remembrance of the Triple Cheese Chocolate Syrup Funnyun Casserole. That one was a keeper. Terezi even managed to hold it down for a full seventeen minutes! "Well, can you unlock them?"

"Why should I do that?"

"Because this motherfuckin' motherfucker over here is in some dire need of some eats, man."

"Gamzee, remember what I have told you about being more specific. Who?"

"Brady. He's in the kitchen."

"Brady?" By now, Kanaya was walking down the stairs.

"Yeah, that kid." Gamzee pointed into the kitchen, where Brady was making engine noises and swinging around a salt shaker.

Kanaya followed Gamzee's finger. Her eyes bulged. "Gamzee! Wha-where did he come from?"

"Oh, the fat guy with the yapbeast from across the street came over here and said something about a mailbox, and then he left Brady here, and I think I agreed to watch the motherfucker."

Kanaya bustled into the kitchen, completely ignoring Gamzee. At last, after many sweeps, she finally had something to genuinely mother. "Hello. My name is Kanaya. You are Brady?"

Brady nodded. "I hungry."

Kanaya unlocked the pantry with a key from her pocket. "Well, I will see what we have. Most of us just left on a grocery run, so we probably will not have-"

In the back, dusty corner of the pantry lurked a dozen boxes of generic brand macaroni and cheese.

"It appears we have macaroni."

"Mac 'n cheese! Mac 'n cheese!"

Kanaya cringed. No. Don't let him wear you down this easily. Be strong. Think of Equius. Or, better yet, just think of how strong he is, and not actually Equius, because he's sort of creepy. "Okay. Let me see..." She took a box. "Oh, I can do this. I have made pot roasts. I have baked cakes. I have allowed broths to simmer until just the right time. I can make instant ramen with fake cheese."

"Mac 'n cheese!"

"Yes, yes. Gamzee." Gamzee snapped out of staring at his reflection in a dirty spoon. "Take him while I prepare this."

"Fuck, what am I supposed to do?"

"I do not know. Find something. Entertain him."

"I hear ya. Come on Brady. Let's go chill."

------

Gamzee and Brady sat in Gamzee's respiteblock, which was littered with horns, empty bottles of Faygo, dirty clothes, and random trash. The walls were plastered with Clowns of a Grim Persuasion Which May not be in Full Possession of Their Mental Faculties poster, which Brady commented were mildly unsettling. They were kicking it pretty harsh to a song about magnets when Terezi kicked open the door.

"Kanaya tells me we have a guest!"

"What the bitchtits is up, Terezi? This here is Brady." Gamzee gestured. "He's the kid from the house across the street!"

Terezi thought. "That one with the yapbeast?"

"You motherfuckin' got it!" Gamzee leaned back and guzzled half a bottle of Faygo. Man, friendship, what a motherfucking miracle, and the way this Faygo tasted so good, and how the fuck did it do that hissing thing, that's a miracle, too, and how oxygen deprivation was causing him to black out. But it was cool. In fact, it was beautiful. So beautiful. Life is beautiful.

By the time Gamzee removed the bottle from his mouth and regained a rudimentary sense of awareness, he realized that, holy damn, he had spaced out again. Terezi was gone, and so was Brady. This did not bother Gamzee until he realized Terezi had just run off with the neighbor's kid.

"Aw, motherfuck." Gamzee stood and wobbled as his blood rushed from his head. "Woah..." The feeling made him utter a low giggle as he ambled down the hallway.