HOME | DD
WordOfChen — I Can't Devour You, Not Yet
Published: 2012-12-12 15:33:47 +0000 UTC; Views: 11312; Favourites: 455; Downloads: 94
Redirect to original
Description
I Can't Devour You, Not Yet:I long to taste the sweetness of your flesh,
To roll your meat between my tongue and teeth.
So many times have I come - so close -
To taking that first bite from your neck.
Yet, there is something about you,
A scent perhaps or a sickly sap.
It turns bitter upon my tongue,
Poisoning it; I am left unable to eat...
Much like the caterpillar, covered in spines,
Each bite would spew only bitter venom -
Numbing my senses and dulling the mind;
It would leave me naught but a gormless wreck!
Even so, despite me knowing of the repugnant taste,
I am drawn toward you, like a moth to the flame.
May my wings crumble in the heart of the fire -
& body be turned to dust and ash...
If only for the chance to feast once more!
Ah, my dear - I will have you.
& on that day it will be so sweet.
But for now - I'm afraid that -
I must leave this as a mere - tantalizing - fantasy...
-Chen Yuan Wen, 12th December 2012
Related content
Comments: 157
I cannot accept this critique for 2 main reasons.
1. Technique wise, these are not hyphens they are dashes, used to signify a pause slightly longer than that of a comma, it is used for dramatic effect. So if you're not a fan of that, you cannot mark down technique because it was used properly here.
2. Impact wise, if you find this two-dimensional than half the horror poems out there must be ONE dimensional to you. This tells me that you are a very picky person about horror, but since I work for a mostly general audience it is unlikely that other pieces will be of heavier quality. Please note, most individuals actually adored this piece and some groups even rejected it because of the suggested cannibalistic nature which puts it toward the upper end of transgressive/horror pieces, anything further would no longer be suited for a general audience. Keep that in mind.
I thank you for taking the time to write this critique though
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm often left wondering about the "so what" in your poems. This one isn't exactly an exception. I highly recommend you read the poem "A Healthy Meal" by Carol-Ann Duffy. She's trying to doing something very similar, she's trying to making a statement about eating meat. I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to tell me with this piece. I have some vague ideas about what you're trying to say, but your poems need to be more specific to engage your reader.
VISION: You have a clear idea of what's going on. The general atmosphere is very clear and it runs on raw emotion. I like many of the fragments, most notably: "To roll roll your meat between my tongue and teeth" and "May my wings crumble in the heart of the fire." Your scene seems very chaotic though, but maybe that's what you were aiming for, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
ORIGINALITY: Well, I have never seen poetry like this before. You put some words and ideas together in interesting ways (your caterpillar analogy, the wings crumbling) but I don't know what effect you are trying to achieve. (More discussed in the impact section.)
TECHNIQUE: It seems that you've ditched rhythm completely. This makes for an awkward reading at times especially when you transition between sentence parts, e.g., "Numbing my senses... gormless wreck." and "despite me knowing... I'm drawn to you." Also, you need to be a little more concise. For example, the second and third paragraphs serve the same purpose; they are both comparisons to the disgusting portions of nature. Perhaps your poem can benefit by using a different comparison. There are a lot more points I can raise, but I'm approaching the point of rambling.
IMPACT: What's the take-home message for the reader? Okay, the speaker is fantasizing about feasting on something. Maybe you could look at the pain of fantasizing about it and invite the reader to reflect a similar experience. Your usage of originality and technique should support this invitation. If you choose to follow my suggestion, you change the comparison to the second stanza to a more original version of: "roses are so attractive, but they have prickly thorns." This will also make it more streamlined with your 4th stanza and conclusion.
As it stands, I'm not being engaged to think about anything. There is no impact for me. Call me heartless and un-understanding, but if you read a lot of poems, you'll know how boring it is.
Sorry for rambling.
Hope this helps.
Fly-gonz
👍: 0 ⏩: 3
To answer both of you.
Ashita, you pointed out that Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson, etc., used free verse. This is true, but English follows a natural rhythm known as iambic pentameter. Most of Whitman's poems, (and many of that era, like Edgar Allen Poe in the Raven) reversed this rhythm, into what is known as trochaic pentameter. This gave the impression of no rhythm, but it is a misconception. What I'm saying here is that the author chose to deliberately deviate from the natural speaking rhythm. Unless there is a reason behind this, I don't see why you should make the piece harder to read for the reader.
I agree paragraphs should be stanzas, that's a mistake on my part
To respond to your comments about my view on the impact of this piece, I believe it is merely a matter of coherence. While the overall theme is there and there is much to think about the theme, I believe it's not sufficiently focused to create a strong impact. Many of the features that he has used, like the absence of rhythm, communicates a general sense of chaos or trial, but this doesn't really speak to me because it's too general. Finally, I believe the impact category is where I can express my personal opinion. I can't really speak for other people in terms of how it impacted them, so I'll talk about how it impacted me. I believe this piece didn't work for me as well as this piece (by the same author) did: [link]
To the author, I also believe you misunderstand what many "poets" have told you. Pieces take the reader somewhere and then it's open to interpretation. For example, I don't think you can doubt that Pride and Prejudice is a criticism of gender and class barriers in Victorian England. However, literary schools have interpreted this criticism in many different ways. For example, post-colonialists will look at the relationship between Lizzie and Mr. Darcy as one of attempted subjugation followed by understanding. However, someone who follows the biographical school of thought (me, but I don't know you personally) will see that relationship as a reflection of Austen's personal life.
Intellectual dialogue is always good -- I'm not trying to pick a fight here either.
To conclude, I didn't want to make my critique too long, it was already almost 400 words. If I added this additional 300 word-ish reply, then the critique would have been the length of a short essay, which is not good... But I hope this does further elaborate what I tried to say in my critique.
Fly-gonz.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Not to start a fight, but I'm going to have to take a moment to disagree on a couple of your points.
On Technique, I'd like to say that there doesn't necessarily need to be a rhythm for this to be a good poem. In fact, there are many poems that don't have all too much rhythm (arguably, of course) and are by famous poets. Look at any of Emily Dickinson's work, and Walt Whitman, who practically invented free verse.
They're also not paragraphs. They're stanzas. Paragraphs refer to prose and essays and other such things, but stanzas are specifically for poetry. Because you called them paragraphs, I get the faint idea that you might not know what you're talking about, even though you seem to present your points fairly intelligently.
As for what you said about impact, I completely disagree. To me, this poem seemed to be about vampirism or even about abuse in a very sexual manner. The subtly allots for many different interpretations, because the author never explicitly states that this about "A" Or "B". Upon reading the first stanza, I thought this poem could have been about vampires, but then I got down a bit lower, and it seemed that this could be one person figuratively eating another, in an abusive relationship, or even a desire for one person that the speaker is supposed to hate, but for some reason is drawn to. (Much like hate sex.) Or it could be literally about a cannibal. There's quite a bit to think about.
That's not to say that you have no valid points what-so-ever, although I do disagree with most of what you said.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
That's okay. It's okay to disagree.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Aye, it's alright ^^ I enjoyed reading this. Now to counter:
First, the perspective of the poem needs to be understood. Poetry should be subtle, or so I am so blatantly told by many individuals who consider themselves poets, hence here I went for pure open interpretation. The idea is that the being seeking to devour the other can be any sort of being and is reciting this more as a part of his own thoughts.
Next technique wise, the rhythm in the words does not need to exist. Rhythm represents order, yet order is related to mental wellness. Someone who is quite unstable would have no rhythm and would jump from idea to idea. Hence the way this poem was written. If read out however, following the punctuation cues you'll see that it can be read out easily and spoken without any awkward jerks, which is why I use the excessive punctuation to denote every pause and emotion in the speech.
As for the impact, I think that this type of poetry would only work for the sadist and believe me we would speak of roses. Rather, more disgusting imagery comes to mind or things that bring pain and hardship, that is the mindset behind the poem and as such a rose line would definitely not fit.
It's always interesting to have a different perspective on a poem and I thank you for taking the time to write this.
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Sorry I wasn't clear. But reply is up top.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow. That honestly was, even though vague, spine tingling. The word choice definitely impacted how the piece was presented and the set the mood perfectly. The work is very well written, and the idea is actually very unique. The narrator, however, does not reveal his identity, but this only adds to tension, and the anonymous "girl" he is talking about is most likely his supposed victim. Furthermore, even though it doesn't rhyme, the text flows smoothly throughout the poem, and the style gives it a seemingly dark and gloomy mood. I commend you, Chen on this amazing poem. This is honestly the best one I've ever read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Aye I thank ye fer enjoyin' it, it's not the best horror I can come up with yet though. This is merely another warm-up for the journey to hell. When I describe the place I saw in my dreams...that is what I look forward to eh? Hehe
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Haha! Delightfully gruesome. When you submit it to my group, submit to Horror.
You stills how ample skill at free verse. The basics here are still sound. I am both amazed and amused. Right away, you begin with desire to taste someone's flesh, so I assume either zombie or cannibal. What was your choice? The next stanza treats smell or fragrance as a particular attraction, so I suppose that your object is a girl, right? The third describes you nibbling like a caterpillar too. The surprises in this poem are many and each stanza is a pleasure to read. Bravo!
The next one should be as fun!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I look forward t' ye readin' me next work as well, it should definitely be very interestin' ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
fun 
You almost sound like Lestat from that movie where he refused to turn the girl until the end of the movie ... at the same time you also sound like edward (oh the shame! ) trying to explain to bella that she has to wait
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I love your writing style. For some reason, the more gore and despair, the more psychopathic it is, the more I adore it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well then you'll have t' look forward t' what comes later in January and of course what will be featured in me e-book :3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thank ye kindly ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
the poem itself is pretty awesome but honestly it reminded me of twilight... kinda.... *gag*
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
If ye could draw a comparison t' that stuff from this...then yer mind be corrupted beyond repair. Please proceed t' the nearest re-education centre friend; so we might save yer soul from that horrid piece o' lit
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
my sincerest apologies. If only once could erase human memory like one can a computer's :\
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well, ye can't quite erase it, but ye can replace it with more pleasant memories. In fact, th' best t' do that would be t'
*Shameless self-promotion time!*
T'would really help me out if ye visited me e-book's publication page and liked or shared it. If ye want t' sample it as well, ye can read the first 15% o' the book free.
Here be th' link (^_^)> [link]
Thank ye
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I like this a lot, it's very similar to the relationship I have with detergents...I desire to taste them but know that in doing so would cause me great harm possibly death due their poisonous nature.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
...you want t' taste detergents? Interestin' t' say th' least. Fer the sake o' yer health I have t' say, DON'T though xD
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
what can I say I have a overactive curiousity lol
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well then I hope I can get ye curious enough about me new e-book xD
T'would really help me out if ye visited me e-book's publication page and liked or shared it. If ye want t' sample it as well, ye can read the first 15% o' the book free.
Here be th' link (^_^)> [link]
Thank ye
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This actually applies to me, at some point.
Just at a more neutral level ;u;
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I see, interesting *evil grin*
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Again, your imagery is wonderful. My favorite part, though, was that you used the word gormless. Great word!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank ye fer enjoyin' it, I felt it gave the narrator a pretentious vibe which was a good thing for this piece :3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
No worries, it's that time of year to be completely overwhelmed by all the things 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
haha, then I suppose I look forward t' seein' yer use o' th' word 'gormless'. Anyway, I'll just end this message with some piratey self-promotion, in case ye haven't seen it yet ;3
T'would really help me out if ye visited me e-book's publication page and liked or shared it. If ye want t' sample it as well, ye can read the first 15% o' the book free.
Here be th' link (^_^)> [link]
Thank ye
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thank ye so much fer enjoyin' it ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Then we must feast, should we not? :3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Why do I imagine a vampire stalking (not Edward like stalking) some human???? Still, it's a very cool piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Probably because a lot o' people relate th' image of devourin' with somethin' like a vampire or zombie ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
wow, this is one powerful and absolutely stunning piece! I love it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thank ye fer enjoyin' me fine friend ^^
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
"TO ROLL YOUR MEAT BETWEEN MY TONGUE AND TEETH"
"TO ROLL YOUR MEAT"
"ROLL YOUR MEAT"
"YOUR MEAT"
👍: 0 ⏩: 3
Aish! Away with yer gutter mind ye unknown gendered individual xD
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Romantic in a macabre way. Macabre in a romantic way. I love this poem.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Well I'm certainly glad that ye loved it ;3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Glad t' hear it :3
-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates
P.S. my apologies fer th' late reply t' this piece. I've been swamped since mid-december
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
mhm. and its fine bro. Everyone get's busy
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
| Next =>