UncleBrazzie [2007-06-29 12:52:40 +0000 UTC]

Right-o. A poem then...now where did I put that axe of mine?

>>I was lost like so many of wandering men.
I kinda stumbled on the "of".
"So many of" sounds oddly detached when applied to men, and even more so because of the implied relationship of the poet and these men. "All of us" it seems to say, as if the poet and the men are of an unofficial kinship. Which makes the "of" quite unpersonal, at least to my ears.

>>We were aimless as long as we tried to be whole.
Excellent line, this. Tautological, but essentially true: how can we have an aim if we're still struggling to recover from our past hurts and wounds?

>>So I fled though I met some resistance of ropes,
Imprisonment, constriction and being fettered.
However, "some resistance" sounds weaker than than the ropes make out. As if the resistance was hardly worth mentioning, except casually.

>>Though I ran from these slopes that are blind to my kind,
"Blind to my kind" is wonderfully sonorous. Good'un this!

>> A goal to set, a hole to sleep
>> A hole to sleep, a place to weep
>> A place to weep, a face to wear
>> A face to wear, a sword to bear
>> A sword to bear, a hoard to get
>> A hoard to get, a goal to set

Nice structural loop-thingy here, but its highly condensed content makes it rather heavy to digest. The structure seems to invite swiftness of reading with the repeated end-is-beginning structure, which doesn't do justice to each of the separate issues at hand.

>>now that I found my armour and weapons
again,
I'd make that "I've found" instead, but that may be only me

>>I am ready to fight and to win at all cost,
Hmmm...the repitition of the infinitive in "to fight and to win" again undermines the determination inherent in the words themselves.
"I am ready to fight, to win at all cost"
might work better, as might
"I am ready to fight and win/triumph/overcome at all cost"...

>>and if all hear my call then you’ll know where to go.
"all" is at odds with "you" here. Also, perhaps "when" is a stronger word here than the hesitant "if". Internal rhyme was not as obvious as I'd, in hindsight, have thought, but it does explain the choice of words.


>>let the soulless then creep to their caves in the deep,
Yay internal rhymes again, but more visibly present, which is good. The previous line, ironically, had more internal rhyming, but I didn't notice that until I dissected it.

>>you will join me and find us a harvest to reap.
Excellent conclusion.

Lots of things to say about this one, and don't get me wrong here, that's a good thing. It's quite different from anything I've read by you, and I've got the feeling it's a style we'll be seeing more soon.

All in all a satifying read with some great metrical structures and rhymes, as well as a lingering feeling of vindictive resurgence. Fate has not seen the last of you

Greetz

Jo (Just)

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