ThornyEnglishRose [2010-08-12 17:23:46 +0000 UTC]

This is a lovely little piece. I see that *Vocable has given you a lot to think about, and makes some good points.

I'm having trouble visualising exactly what's happening. Ambiguity is good, and it's good to be made to think - but still, I'd like a little more clarity. I don't quite understand the running and sinking descriptions. She's stationary the whole time, presumably (I'm imagining a she, anyway!). Is it happening in her head? I'm not sure. The sinking could be literal, or not. Just a little more help here would be nice. And where exactly is the oxygen container, doing what?

I'd like to agree with *Vocable about the use of 'I', although this didn't strike me until I'd read the comment. Still, now that I see it, some more variety would be good.

There are a few word choices I'm not sure about. How is the revenge 'bittersweet'? Bittersweet for whom? Isn't it all sweet for the killer and all bitter for the victim? Confusing! Also, I'm not sure that 'surpass' is the right word - it doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the piece - or even that this sentence needs so many words; just 'a snail could win the race' would do. I also think 'woke up' is a little long, strange as that sounds - 'when I woke' would be snappier and altogether more sinister.

Everyone likes the last line. I do too. Nice work on this.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

angeljunkie [2010-08-09 04:35:26 +0000 UTC]

This spawns so many little questions in my mind of the scenarios that would bring these two people to this point, but that's half the fun. I think the last line is great. The description you use throughout is very evenly paced and nothing feels too rushed or compressed.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Vocable [2010-08-08 13:07:35 +0000 UTC]

Your story is good, but leaves something to be desired. I can somewhat grasp what's happening on my first time reading through it, but I wasn't able to get into it or really picture the whole thing. I had to reread it again to appreciate it. I have to say the ironic detail at the end is a nice touch.

My main criticism for you would be your sentences. They're not very interesting. The beginning has so many 'I's that it got dull real quick. I'd definitely recommend reworking some of the 'I's out of there, especially the ones at the start of the sentences.

You should also watch the length of your sentences. They're all mostly of the same length and short enough that I can hear this being read in a monotone. Your last paragraph suffers the most from this. Put some variation by adding in longer sentences, or shorter ones. As an example, these sentences sound clunky:

"You left me for dead with an oxygen container. I appreciate the irony in my last blow."

You could combine these two into one longer sentence. It'd improve the flow and also make the final sentence stand out more. I'd also recommend using commas and other forms of punctuation too. Also, 'appreciate' should probably be in the past tense here.

Another point of criticism is that there are too many telling sentences. I can see an attempt at showing, and your choice of imagery is rather interesting, but you seem to be struggling with conveying it. Like here:

"I was sinking so slowly a snail could surpass me and win the race – if there was one."

I know what you're trying to tell me and your analogy is interesting, but it comes out very plain. The comment about a race is distracting. I'm not sure what you were trying to achieve with that, but perhaps reworking the sentence would help get your point across. Disregarding that part, "I was sinking so slowly a snail could surpass me..." sounds uninteresting. I actually focused more on the snail than at the fact that the character is sinking. I'd recommend getting rid of the passive voice so that the reader will focus on the sinking. Here:

"I sank so slowly a snail could surpass me ... "

Speaking of voices, let's go back to an earlier sentence:

"You left me for dead with an oxygen container."

The reader will focus on 'You' leaving the character for dead. What you will want the reader to focus on is the oxygen container, however. You can easily fix that by converting this sentence to the passive voice. The active voice is good for getting readers to focus on characters and their actions, but the passive voice is essential when you want your readers to focus on a detail. Like so:

"An oxygen container was all I had when you left me for dead."

It still sounds a bit off, but I think you get my point.

You have some good showing sentences, but I think that you could improve on them by being more specific. The first sentence, for example.

"I lost my senses after your last words."

What were those last words? Perhaps show what exactly the character experienced just before they lost their senses? Was it the face of whoever 'You' is? Maybe the character was looking at 'You's lips when they uttered those last words, whatever they were. And so on.

A simpler example:

"I opened my eyes and couldn't see past my body."

Good sentence, but how about specifying which part of the character's body they couldn't see past? Is it their arms? Their elbows?


All that aside, it really is an interesting piece. The narrative voice sounds more feminine to me, but it could work for either gender.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Adonael [2010-07-29 11:22:32 +0000 UTC]

In the penultimate sentence, if the clause just said "The irony", I think it would've made much more of an impact and you're missing a comma in the sentence "I was sinking so slowly a snail could surpass me and win the race – if there was one" between the "slowly" and "a"

Other than that, it's pretty good. The irony is seductive and very dark and you associate very well with water by what is written

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

distortified [2010-07-27 18:39:53 +0000 UTC]

Phenomenal piece! I'm beyond envious of your poeticism and raw emotion.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

HatakeTixa [2010-07-22 17:22:14 +0000 UTC]

Está mesmo lindo.

A ironia...

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

wapy [2010-07-22 10:33:44 +0000 UTC]

Oh the irony~

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

TheBrassGlass [2010-07-22 04:26:16 +0000 UTC]

Wow, harsh! "You left me for dead with an oxygen container." Deft move. I really like the glimpses of description---"surrounded by water and deadly fauna." Brief but effective, kudos!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

londonrey [2010-07-22 03:55:18 +0000 UTC]

Wow.. this is really dark and interesting! I love it! The ending is biting and just perfect. ^_^

👍: 0 ⏩: 1